I would give anything right now for a tiny bit of mania. I’ve got brain fog going on, and all I want to do is sleep and eat. For the past few days all I've done is hibernate like a bear in the winter. It’s too cold to go outside and do anything, and everything inside makes me feel sick to my stomach, so I’ve just been sitting around or laying around doing nothing.
I’ve been trying to do some of the things that shock my brain enough to bring me back to reality, but those are failing, and this time I feel like saying fuck it... I don’t really give a damn.
They say women are effected more by the wintertime blues than men, because basically woman start off in life with less serotonin in our brains than men, so wintertime can be very rough on people like me. Gee thanks... one more disorder I have to deal with.
I forced myself up out of bed around 1pm today, (woke up at 10am, just didn’t want to get up) and tried to do a little exercising like they suggest when a woman feels this way, but that did nothing but make my head hurt more than it already was. Instead I got online and surfed around to a few different blogs, which is sometimes a good distraction at least, but not today.
I spent several hours reading other peoples blogs, and even more hours just sitting there playing Bejeweled Blitz. It kept me distracted for a few hours, but tomorrow I have to try something different. I’m going to try and get outside in the sun, even if it is only for a few minutes. If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what extremes I’ll be willing to try.
I know I won’t use any antidepressant or antipsychotic medications. I’ve tried a variety of drugs in the past, and each one failed in it’s own way. I just have to use what I’ve learned in the past to make sure I don’t do something really stupid tomorrow.
My court really sucked Thursday. Once again the court room was standing room only, even though I got there almost an hour before court started. I spent most of the first 2 hours reading a book and trying not to look around at anyone. Finally around 6:30pm, after the attorneys finished, the DA tells everyone to line up against the wall that wants to talk with him. FUCK! A line forms going out into the hall. Separately the Judge announces if anyone wants to plead not guilty, to step forward and the court date would be set for February. I was going to wait and talk with the DA, but changed my mind and quickly stepped forward. I gave my name and was told to return in February. I quickly left the courtroom, leaving everyone else standing there for the next couple of hours. Maybe I’ll come up with a good excuse and postpone my court date until March sometime. Maybe then it’ll be warm and I won’t feel the need to cuss someone out.