Trying to not let myself drown

Death is Ugly

The pain is more intense than any cut I've ever made to my flesh.

A new flavor of pain.

I wanted to talk about it. 

Damn it. 

I wanted to scream. 

I wanted to yell. 

I wanted to shout it to the world. 

But all I could do was whisper, 

'I'm fine.' 

Every Day

Is it wrong that I want to be left alone?

My ‘disorder’ has been peaking in the wrong direction for about a week now. I thought it would just ‘go away’, but this time it wants to keep following me around like a lost puppy. I’ve fought my entire life with thoughts of suicide and letting go of homicidal tendencies, and so far I’ve won that battle, but fear of losing that control has been weighing on my mind more frequently. I try to make myself go out and be around people, but the slightest little thing has me wanting to put my hands around their throats and choke the life out of them.

I stopped writing some time ago out of fear of what others thought about me, but in doing that, I think I lost a part of me. I want that back. I don’t know if I’m any good at writing, but it did give me peace. Writing over the years has giving me a chance to release the demons that are holding me back at being somebody; at least that’s what I’ve been told.  But dammit it’s hard to let them go when they are friendlier and more inviting to me than most people.

My dreams are of killing and being forced to do horrible, heinous crimes, and then I wake up with a smile on my face. Is it because I enjoy the crime, or it is that I’m killing a part of me that no longer needs to be there? Dreams linger throughout the day as if that was reality, and here I am in a dream doing nothing with my life.

I’m going to try and avoid doing anything really stupid, but change needs to come soon. I need to cut ‘things’. I need to shift my thoughts. A psychologist once told me to deal with my fears by exposing myself to that fear until it no longer caused me fear, and that I could do the same thing with my thoughts—expose myself to them on purpose until they no longer bother me.

I hate people

Too Many Voices

Nothing I write can ever compare to what’s going on in my mind. 

Magic Tea

For days now, I have felt like an alien. Strangers passing by me are no doubt judging me as weird, if not completely crazy. Friends and family would just never understand. Numbers are chasing me. I seem to always look at the clock when it’s 12:34, why I don’t know, but twice day there it is; while in the car, out shopping, driving past a bank, going to bed, turning the TV to a different channel, just weird things.

To help me out, I’ve decided to make my own special blend of “magic tea”, hoping this will help me sleep. Like tonight, I just can’t seem to sleep. I’ve had the problem off and on for years now, just sometimes it gets worse and I do nothing but toss and turn all night. I’ve tried the over the counter sleep medicines, which didn’t help at all, and the doctors always want to give me things like Trazodone. Thinking that will somehow fix me.

So instead, I make my own. At first it doesn’t taste good, but gets better with each sip.  I guess the added alcohol doesn’t hurt. By the time I’m finished with a large cup, I’m slowly drifting off to sleep for 6 or more hours of uninterrupted sleep. Feels great when I’m able to sleep that long.

Last night after not having a cup I began dreaming that I was robbing a bank, but just as I got all the money and was walking out the bank I was shot repeatedly in the chest by many officers. I spent the rest of the night awake. The nightmares always continue until I drink more of my ‘magic tea’.  

I just finished an extra-large cup of my ‘magic tea’. I hope tonight sleep will find me running through fields of tall sun flowers to reach the other side.