Walking into a nursing home, the smell is what seems to
always hit you first. It invades all the fine hairs that are found in your nose,
and lingers even after leaving the building. It’s an unforgettable smell that seems
to seep from the bodies of the old. I think it’s so unpleasant because the
smell is associated with death.
On Monday, that smell was stronger than usually when I
walked into the nursing home to see my mom one last time. She had died several
hours before my arrival, so her body has already begun to stiffen, and her
mouth hung open as if she were still trying to grab one last breath. Her body
almost didn’t look real, so I felt the need to touch her one last time. Her
body had already gone cold and the color around her eyes had changed. She was
gone, leaving behind a body that seemed like an empty envelope.
I wasn’t sure what to feel; relief that she was no longer
suffering, or sadness that she had left too soon. I had helped her bury Rusty at the end of January,
and here I was again, burying another family member. I think that is partly
what led to her departure. She had put 100% of her time into taking care of my
brother after he was shot, leaving no time for herself. When he passed before her, I think she gave up her reason to keep going.
After the people from the funeral home arrived, they spoke
with us briefly about her wishes, and then asked us to leave the room before
taking her body. I glanced over at her one last time and then turned to follow
my sister outside. My sister had been with her, when she took her last breath.
I was glad she was there for her, because I don’t think I could have.
We stood outside talking for a few minutes, before they
rolled her body out to the awaiting hearse. Sadness slammed me and I had to
swallow hard to hold back the tears. We loaded up the few things she had at the
nursing home and drove to her place in Alluwe. I was shocked when I walked into
her house to see everything gone. My sisters, my nieces and nephews had already
been in her house and taken everything. I really didn’t care about having a lot
of her things, but I wanted to be there to help take down our baby pictures, to
put things away, to say one last goodbye. I was so disappointed that again they
didn’t care enough to include me. I felt it was one last fuck you.
Sunday I will make a final trip to Alluwe to say good bye. I
haven’t broke down into tears yet, but I know it will come soon.
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