Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Butt Cheek Bandits Terrorizing Kearney, Nebraska

Apparently a vandal or vandals have been terrorizing the town of Kearney, Nebraska (pop. 27,431) by leaving Vaseline ass prints on the windows of local businesses. Over twenty sites have been hit on this ass print crime spree that started last May. My favorite line of the article is “there may have been copycat printings”. Really, “may have been”? Don’t they have a crack C.S.I. squad out there in Kearney that can determine if we are talking about one ass print or multiple ass prints?

At least that’s what folks in Valentine hope after someone slathered his bare backside — and front side — with Vaseline, then left prints on windows of businesses, schools and churches. The local Midland News newspaper called the vandal or vandals “lewd, lubricated, lurching lunatics.”

“It’s just a weird deal, but it’s weird enough to cause a little bit of concern,” said Valentine Police Chief Ben McBride. “Who in their right mind would do something like that?” McBride has fielded about 20 reports.

“I don’t know what kind of people it takes to do that,” Nollett said. “Someone with a weird sense of humor, I guess.” The wrongdoing is more disgusting than destructive. There has been no physical damage, although producing the printings would involve indecent exposure.

Maybe I have a “weird sense of humor” but I think this is friggin’ hilarious. How much beer to do you have to drink and how bored do you have to be to realize it would be pretty funny to cover your ass in Vaseline and leave ass prints around town? I am guessing at least 15 beers.

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