Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Would you like another slap to the face?

As I’m sitting here typing this I think to myself I should be writing my brother a letter. I remember how it was when I was in prison…you really looked forward to getting a letter from someone on the outside. It’s just that every time I sit down to write him, I go blank, and all I can think about is how we were treated when growing up. TEARS. From the very beginning when we were first born, we never had a chance from day one. Breathe.
I somehow thought in the back of my mind that writing about my life story and finally getting it all out of my system that I would finally magically be healed. So for the past two years that’s what I’ve done, I put it on paper…I should say all on the computer. I hand wrote most of it, but there was a lot that I did on the computer that I don’t have wrote down anywhere. And now….I’ve fucking lost it all!!! I believe AOL caused my computer to crash, and now it won’t load. I'm using my a older comupter that is slow as hell, but at least it works for now.

Would you like another slap to the face?
I feel that’s what God is saying to me. My hope was to find someone who could help me edit my story, and then to publish it for the world to see. Then maybe they would understand why I feel like a psycho every day, every moment of my life. Once everyone knew, then somehow that was to make me feel better. But now I’ll never know. I can’t start from the beginning and write about things so horrible it makes the mind shake. I feel I gave it my one shot, and it didn’t happen so I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I’m not a writer and I never will be. I just don't know what I'm going to do now to get the money that I need. Money is the key, without it you become lost.

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