Happy 4th of July

Lifeless Breeze

Today has been dull. I did a little cleaning around the house, then cleaned out the pool, took a long swim, and then laid around doing nothing else.

I keep thinking of a thousand things to say when I’m in the shower, or in the pool cooling off, but then I get on the computer and my mind goes blank. I guess that’s what happens when you quit smoking weed. I stop again, only because I can’t afford any, so I might do a little drinking this weekend.

Thursday around noon, I’m going to Keystone Lake with a few friends and family. I don’t really need to get out in the sun any more, because I got a little sun brunt today, but it should still be fun anyway. Just got to wear some sun screen on my white ass...hehe. Lol.

I’ve been having crazy thoughts running all around in my little circles, trying to find a place called home. Don’t know if those kind of thoughts will ever cease. I went out driving the other night, around and around, until even I got bored. I’ve just got to find a new way to relax my mind.

That tingling on your cheek;
The itch on your scalp;
The goose bumps on your body;
The cold breeze around you;

Feel the tingle;
Scratch the itch;
Touch your skin;
Inhale the fresh air.

Ways to Annoy People ( and get even ).

I’m thinking of every possible method of harassing, and annoying someone to the point of insanity.


Put Vaseline on their car door handles.
Write their name and phone number on a public bathroom wall.
When you are talking to them, stare back and forth at their eyebrows.
Sign up their e-mail address on spam websites.
Steal their pets and wrap them up in duct tape.
Sign them up with a music or video club, picking out the types you know they don’t like.
Send an anonymous love letter to their house, telling them you will by stopping by at midnight, but never show up.
Unscrew the light bulbs in their house just enough so they won’t work.
Place syringes around them or in their cars, and then car the cops.
If their pets really annoy you, kill them, then run them over and toss them by the side of road so they look like road kill.
When they are gone use their water to water your lawn.
Leave carrots on their doorstep at night.
Clog up their toilet.
Mumble when you speak to them.
Constantly remind them of bad times.
When doing something illegal, use their name.
Drop Alka-Seltzer into their fish tank.
Plant marijuana by the side of their house.
Go to a party, but give them the wrong directions.
Use lamp oil to kill their lawn in spots.
Tap needle size hole into a dozen eggs and sit them in the sun for a week...egg their house or put them under the seat in their car.
Place ad on Craigslist, selling their car for only $100 dollars.
Send out announcements to their family, saying they are having a wild sex party.
Turn on their oven when they aren’t looking.
Put Saran Wrap over their toilet seat.
Turn their car stereo up all the way before they go somewhere.
Follow them around smiling a lot.
Spread nasty rumors about them.
Make a fake pipe bomb and leave it on the street in front of their house.
Use a ice-pick and punch holes into their car tire.
Ask to use their phone, call 911 and put the phone down, then leave.
If you have cock roaches, catch some of them and release them at their house.
Put a condom fill with Mayo, in their mailbox.
Make several indoor sale signs with their address and place them around town, telling people just to come right in.
Put big chunks of broken glass under their car wheels.
Use their trashcan for all your garbage.
Break into their house while their gone and leave their refrigerator open.
Buy a piece of fish, leave in sun to two days, then put it in their car.
Get their credit card number and charge all you can to it in one day.
Put crayons on the dashboard of their car.
Put a small amount of soap in the end of their toothpaste.

Let’s Cut Our Wrist and Then Burn Down Something.

I’m really fucking high right now, so if this comes off sounding crazier than usual, (or better than usual...hehe) you’ll understand why, but I had to get high. I haven’t been high for a long time now, mostly because I just can’t afford to buy any. It really hasn’t bothered me much not smoking, until the past week or so. I’ve been feeling jittery, nervous, agitated, or high-strung, as my last probation officer put it, from the moment I get up until the moment I force myself to lay down for a few hours of sleep.

I’ve had this feeling off and on over the years. When I was a teen and it would happen, I would often find myself locked up either in jail or in a nut house somewhere. That was one of the reasons I began smoking weed... To help calm me down and relax me from the agitated state that my mind often goes to for no reason. Fuck both of those places! Being locked up when I’m in this state of mind is usually never any good... I’m probably going to cut myself with the first sharp object I find or get into some altercation with those who have me incarcerated.

I’ve been trying everything short of cutting myself, or fucking with law enforcement, to bring myself out of this unsettling mood, and nothing seems to be working. So, when a friend from Tulsa called and asked me to stop by, I didn’t hesitate. I figure it’s better to be high than to commit a crime, injury myself, or do something else stupid.

I was met at the door with a 6-point beer and a hefty blunt, which I lit before I made it back to his bedroom. We sat on his bed, watching the news and discussing the latest information about Michael Jackson dieing. Half-way through the blunt, I began talking about some of my stress from the past week, and before I knew it, my stress was greatly diminished. Shit that I had been stressing over, suddenly didn’t feel like that big of deal any longer.

I FORGOT all my problems.. hehe.

A couple hours later, in possession of a limited amount of marijuana, (in case the stress returns), I cautiously made my way through Borg territory, and safely through the front door to my nicely chilled home. After relaxing for a little while, I managed to get some laundry done, and the house straightened to acceptable standards. Next, I called my little friend, and of course she told me to come right over.

The effects of the blunt still lightly lingered, so when we smoked a bowl, my high kicked right back in to a nice and relaxed state. If only this shit was legal there would probably be a lot less killing in this world. I mean, think about it... For me... If I’m high, I’m engrossed in other thoughts, I’m not angry or thinking about smashing in someone’s face.


If you don’t light up the darkness, you’ll always being living in the shadows.

Once Again, Hell is my Home

Blame it on the heat, or my fucked up mind, but if I would have had my gun today, right now outside there would be several cars with their lights on. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I can’t stand being around certain people, without feeling the need to hurt them. I’ve gone on so many walks trying to gain a different perspective, which has helped some, anyway no one is dead yet. But now I’m having a lot of pain in my knees again, so long walks to relieve the stress will have to put on hold for a little while. For now, I guess it’s back to sitting on my ass, writing again and gaining back all the weight I’ve lost. FUCK!

I guess I will forever be the bad guy (girl).

Once again, hell is my home.

I am a poet of the body and soul;
Just trying to make my mind whole.

I got lost on the journey to find myself;
Like a forgotten book on a shelf.

The pleasures of heaven I write for temptation;
And the pains of hell are my private communication.

Vulgar and rude are prevalent to my writing;
This is why MsPsycho is so enticing.

A tempting snack specifically designed,
To help the mind leisurely unwind.

Push it hard, and run it deep;
Are wonderful words that help us sleep.

But don’t get to close to me,
Because all you’ll ever feel is misery.

There’s always a creature lurking in the distance,
Trying to end my miserable existence.

Let me feel the heat of your breath on my skin;
So I can feel alive once again.

Swirl your tongue around through my mouth,
Rinse it around and spit it out.

Cease my breathing and close my eyes,
So that I might once again unfurl my wings and learn to fly.



Just don’t let me get me;
For sometimes I just can’t see.

Life is a rollercoaster ride.... So ride that son-of-bitch until you puke!!
Go ahead... Piss me off... Blood looks stunning on white carpet!
Let’s cut our wrist and then burn down something.
Dreams come true, but so do nightmares.

Stalking Fun on My Other Blog... hehe

For those who follow my other blog ... http://mspsycho.wordpress.com/ I have posted a new story titled Stalking Can Be Fun. Hope everyone enjoys!!!
XXX ... Warning Adult Stories... XXX


This story, like most all others on my site, is purely a work of fiction from a writers mind that is sometimes not always stable, but she stills enjoys a good naughty story. No harm to any actual person will every occur.
*****************************
She wasn’t following you, but I was. I was watching you as you drove down the highway, turning left and then back right. I see where you’re going. Into the store for a quick drink, and maybe a little chatting with the cute girl standing in line. Then a stop at the smoke shop for a pack of cigarettes to smoke during the times when you are bored out of your mind and waiting on some criminal to break the law. After all, you’ve got to use those shinny new cuffs for something.

Are you watching me? I’m watching you. Are you afraid of me? You might want to be.

Some people will tell that preparation is the key, and they are not totally wrong, still I prefer the spur of the moment decision in picking out a random officer to stalk. Then I’ll watch him for days, learning the times when he is at home, where he goes when he leaves, writing down all the important notes in my spiral bound notebook to study later. Personally, I don’t won’t a defenseless victim… That’s why I target law enforcement… I want someone who will try to fight back.

The most important factor in successful stalking is not getting so close that your target figures out you’re following them. If they figure out you’re following them, they will bolt like a scared little rabbit, ruining in future plans of torture to your victim.

Next follow them home. Once you’ve found out where he lives, you can easily monitor when he is at home and when he is working. Making it easy to find the right time to creep into his house and maybe remove a few personal items to keep as trophies, or just to touch and smell later. Since they are in law enforcement, doing something to draw them away from their house is a easy thing to accomplish.

Just make sure you study the layout of his house while there, that way when you return it won’t be a problem navigating your way around in the dark.

It’s also a lot of fun looking through his windows later… you watch him as he stands beside his bed and removes the keys hanging from the front of his belt, along with the extra set of cuffs hanging in the back. He slowly removes the belt from around his waist that holds his weapon on the right side of his body. He then removes his badge from over his heart and sets it gently on the table near his bed along with the pen he has used that day to write law breakers citations. He removes his radio and then unbuttons the front of his shirt, exposing the bullet proof vest underneath. Carefully he removes the straps and tosses the vest onto a chair sitting in the corner. He stands there in only a black tee-shirt and his pants with the many pockets, each filled with various items needed to fulfill his duty requirements.

I observe my target and establish his routine. I may even find him online so I can learn his habits, what he likes and doesn’t like. I want to know what he knows. Eat where he eats. I want to watch him each day and night as he finishes removing the last few articles of clothing from his body, exposing his fully nude body. Is it then that he feels the most vulnerable? Should I attack him then?

It was all too easy, I thought with a wide smile across my face. He had just gotten off duty and would probably be standing next to his bed getting ready to make love to his wife. As his wife watches him removing his uniform, I was busy cutting the main phone line into the house and then unlocking the side door leading into his garage. Walking silently into the dark garage, I find the door leading into the kitchen. There was no need for a light of any sort because I had been in his house many times before and easily knew where everything was located.

Suddenly there was a flash of a light being turned on, and the sound of a man’s voice broke through the quiet night air.

“Who’s there?” his deep voice shouted from the other side of the room.

I froze for a second, and then looked up to see it was my prey standing there in nothing but his boxers. For a man in his forties, he still looked really good and was in great psychical shape.
_____________________________
For the rest of the story visit: http://mspsycho.wordpress.com/

Don’t Annoy the Crazy Person

Today I hate everything and everybody. People sometimes get on my nerves so bad, that I barely believe that I haven’t gone on a violent killing spree, ending the life of all the worthless, inconsiderate, stupid individuals that care only about themselves and what they can get from others. I’m not going to name names, because I have to deal with these people everyday, but if I do ever snap they are going to be the first ones I open fire on.

Things have been moving along pleasantly enough that I haven’t felt stressed or lost out of my mind since the car accident, until today. Not having enough money to get everyday things done, is my main concern. I often think about robbing a bank or something, but then my reason for robbing the bank would be lost when I have to go on the run. At times, that is the way I think I would like my life to end... Instead of death laying beside me on the couch or in my bed, I want him to push me off and walk with me for my last few breaths as I liberate enough funds for one last celebration. That’s just a psycho thought right?

I am once again having some medical issues that has to be addressed soon. Sometime tomorrow, I have to go the ER because my fucking, stupid insurance won’t pay for urgent care, and my retarded ass doctor’s office never called me back. I’m not going to go into that shit right now, besides this blog is not suppose to be about my daily life, but about the insane thoughts that float freely inside my head. I’m working on a new story, but I haven’t been able to focus on it much since I got a headache on Tuesday, and it still hasn’t gone away, no matter what I take for the pain.

Adios

If it makes you less sad I will die by your hands. You can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

Pain Drives Me

Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind and sadly still lingers hours later. After the accident I can’t help but think if it wasn’t for me, my son would be better off. He would still have his car, I wouldn’t have to face going to court on yet another charge... Failure to yield. How many more times in my life must I be punished?

Most people who have suicidal tendencies, usually always have a suicide plan. A way out when all else fails. The finally option. I’ve had a plan since the first day I began thinking about taking my life at the young age of 12. Over the years, the plan has changed and become more sophisticated and thought out down to the final details of what should be done with my body. I don’t think I want to be buried the traditional way of a body being placed in a casket, instead I want to be cremated. I look at it this way, I don’t want others to ever have to bear the weight that I have carried throughout my life.

Sometimes it feels like each years that passes, my life only gets worse, and I can’t imagine living like this for 40 more years. I think about jumping in front of a semi-truck, swimming down to the bottom of the deepest water until there is no possible way to make it back to the top alive, taking too many pills, cutting a little too deep, etc. And as the finally resort, letting law enforcement do what I am a failure at doing, ending my years of misery.

But then suddenly out the blue things change, and you want to live. You have all these wonderful plans on how things are going to work out one day. All I have to do is distract myself long enough to climb out of the fucking mud. It’s not easy when the mud is clinging to every pore in my body, and there just doesn’t seem to be enough water in the world to wash it all away. Still, I keep trying, wishing there was an alternative to committing suicide, but at times I just can’t see one. I just have these wavering, mixed feelings about death, that I sometimes have a hard time understanding.

My court is tomorrow in Sand Springs, so I probably won’t be sleeping much tonight. I just hope everything rides along without any glitches...lol.

_______________________

Please, Please.... if you are having serious thoughts of suicide and need help, contact a friend, email me (fukitsacoldworld@yahoo.com), take a walk, or call one of the numbers below, before you do anything. I've lived with suicide thoughts for over 30 years, and so can you. You don't have to die. There are alternatives, other distractions, that will keep you from making a decision that you can't reverse.

Suicide hotlines to call for help:
If you or someone you care about is suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).
These toll-free crisis hotlines offer 24-hour suicide prevention and support. Your call is free and confidential.

Totaled My Son's First Car

When I was a teen living out on my own, I would occasionally drive after I had been drinking or doing drugs, and throughout the years, off and on, I would drive after I had a become legally impaired. But never once did I ever have an accident, not even a close call. I wish to believe no matter what, I’m a safe driver, even though my driving record doesn’t reflect that. Today was totally different... Or maybe more unexpected. I wasn’t drinking, doing drugs, smoking marijuana, or under the influence of anything, I was just momentarily distracted.

I was coming home from my oldest son graduation, proud that my son was able to accomplish what many of my friends and family haven’t been able to do. We were talking about what we were going to do for the rest of the evening after we got home, and some future plans. We were within a couple miles from the house, heading down highway 75, when I looked in the rearview mirror at someone behind me. When I looked back in front, the traffic had come to a complete stop. I hit my brakes and quickly looked to the other lane to see if I could get over, but there was a car in that lane, so I had no other choice but to hit the brakes harder and hope I would stop in time. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop in time.

It was like a bad dream. The airbags deployed, hitting me hard in the face, chest, and arms. I remember trying to stand, but I felt too much pain in my knees and the rest of my body, so I just sat there until help arrived. For some reason, there are parts of what happened that I have apparently blocked out, because I didn’t remember how I got my seatbelt off until someone told me they took it off. I also don’t recall the fire trucks and the police arriving on the scene.

The officers, ambulance personal, and everyone else who help were really nice. I probably should have went to the hospital and got checked out, but it’s my sons graduation, so I didn’t want to spend hours at the ER. Besides, I think I’m just going to be really sore for a few days. More parts of my body are starting to hurt as time passes. The bruises look really bad and I hurt across most of my body, but the thing that hurts the most is knowing that I destroyed my son’s first car. I’m not sure If I’ll ever forgive myself for that. I was really thankful that everyone else in the car with me was okay, and the young guys that I hit were fine.

It’s almost 2 am, so I better try to lay down and get a little sleep. I have a feeling tomorrow I’m going to feel a lot worse.

Tonight, My Nightmares Feel Real

I’ve had two dreams about going to court in Sand Springs. In the dream, I’m at the courthouse and just as I walk inside I hear the voice of the officer I talked to a few years ago from a pay phone, but I never see his face, I only hear his voice and the voice of other officers suddenly talking. I feel extreme panic and feel the need to escape so I turn to walk outside. When I step outside I meet face to face with badge bunnies husband and he just stares into my face. At that point, I realize I’m dreaming and force myself to wake up. I think I see his face because he is the only one that I have actually met, and I recently saw him while I was in Sand Springs.

The dream and appearing in court are both equally stressing me. I keep thinking about what the officer posted online at Coplouge a few years ago after I talked with him that day...

Quote: If you could spend a day with a board member who would it be?

I'd like a day with Thief...oh yes just one day...we'd work out some things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~>:view19: Me taking care of Thief. Here thiefy, thiefy, thiefy!!

Guess I really pissed him off. This happened several years ago, so maybe he isn’t even around any more, and if he is, hopefully he has let it go. (yes, I fucking access your board Dunny...get over it... I was just looking for that quote from Baker.)

My court date was for tonight, so I’m glad I pushed it off until after my son graduates, just in case ‘Baker’ decides he still wants to ‘work out some things’. Regardless, I’m going to prepare myself... Put my plan in motion... Take a pill or two... And stay as calm as I possibly can. Maybe I’ll walk out without even seeing any of them.

Feeling Normal

Click to Enlarge...
Flowers at Chandler Park


Right now, I feel .... stable. I'm not experiencing any highs or lows, no intrusive thoughts or weird reactions, just normal. Which is good, so I hope it will last.

I'm having a garage sell tomorrow, which is keeping me really busy. I have to make enough money to pay my gas bill, if not I'm going to have to do some 'fucked up shit' to make sure it doesn't get shut off. Don't really want to go there.

Think I'm going to take a break from being online for a few days and instead work on some writing I've been putting off for a long time. When my mood changes I'm sure I'll be back. It's just right now too many things are going on in my life. My oldest boy will be graduating from high school next Saturday, and my younger one will be out for the summer in just a couple weeks.

When my court date in Sand Springs gets closer, I'm sure I'll be stressing out and will want to write, so until then HOPE EVERYONE HAS A SEXY ASS DAY!!!

Change of Plans

Yesterday sucked and today wasn't much better. I have no energy, all I want to do is eat, drink alcohol, and not expel any form of movement. I don't want to blink, exist, or even think about any of these things. I've been trying to force myself to write, but even that seems to take every ounce of my will.

Thursday, before this mood hit me, I called Sand Springs court and had my court date changed. The 12th of May was a bad timing since my oldest son is graduating on the 15th. I can't believe how fast time has passed. I was just glad it wasn't a problem putting the date off. The lady told me the 26th of May at first, which would have been great, except that's when I changed my Friday's doctor appointment to (I canceled it because... I just didn't want to go).

Shit I hope this mood doesn't last long. If not, I'm going to have to start smoking weed again, or invest in a fucking liquor store. The only good part is I finally slept... 9 hours. Well, I'm bored. Everything seems to bore me. Guess I'll go lay back down.

Stalking Can be Fun?

I got stopped again yesterday. This time for ....hhmmm...following an officer...lol. Maybe I just freaked him out... hehe. I wasn’t trying too. I was just trying to kill a little time while I was waiting to pick up my son from school at 2:00. It was raining and I really didn’t want to go back to the house, get out the car, get wet, go in the house for 15 minutes, and then go back out in the rain to get in the car again, just so I could pick him up. Instead I decided to just drive around in my circles.

Unfortunately, that made me repeatedly run into the same officer over and over again. I really didn’t think he would stop me for following him anyway, because....well... It was raining out, and what officer would want to get out in the rain for something as silly as a person following them? Maybe I scare them a little. ...lol. Anyway, it gave me an idea for a new short story about stalking, so I’ll post it sometime this weekend.

And honestly, do you really think someone would admit to following an officer, if that officer stopped you and asked you outright, ‘were you following me?’ If I would have said, ‘yeah, I was bored and just following you around to see if you’re doing anything interesting’, I would probably still be trying to get out of jail for stalking.

SERIOUSLY!!!

I'm not stalking you.

I'm just sneaking a peek to make sure you're ok.

OH!!! By the way...Nice Pajamas....hehe

Can't Sleep...Clowns will Eat Me

Depression: Anger without Enthusiasm

When You See My Face I Hope it Gives You Hell!!

Right now, I’m drinking. Not only am I drinking, but I’m a little fucking drunk. Hey! It’s legal! I would drink some more, but I’m out, and I’m damn straight not rolling to the store for more. Plus, all I can get at this time of the day is the 3-point piss water. Nasty shit...bout time to make a trip to Kansas!!

Also, Officer Asshole would love to bust me for that one, and tonight would not be a good night for that type of encounter. I’m in this fucked up mood where I feel like I want to slice the heads off every stupid motherfucker I meet. I could cuss someone out in about 3 seconds flat, which would probably led to a tasering now days. I'm just in a pissed off at the world kind of mood.

Maybe it’s because I’m not sleeping much. I only got about 4 hours last night. I take forever to fall asleep, then I wake up early and can’t seem to close my eyes again. That’s mostly why I’m drinking tonight. I’m hoping the alcohol will help me sleep a little longer. If I do get up early, I’m just going to get out and maybe go for a long walk at some park...maybe Chandler again.

I’ve slowed up on taking the Phentermine, thinking maybe that’s what is making my insomnia worse, but I don’t think that’s the problem. I’ve gone through this in the past when I wasn’t taken the phentermine, still I have to try something to stop the increasingly louder ringing in the my ears that I experience when I haven‘t slept much.

I also did a little research and found out I’m experiencing what is called a Mixed state. It’s when symptoms of mania and depression meet and collide, which can be very dangerous the way I understand it all. I guess it is, because when I’m just depressed I don’t have the desire or energy to force myself out of bed long enough to bathe, let only have the energy to kill myself. All I do is eat and eat everything sweet, until I fall asleep. With the mania, I’m too busy doing a thousand things to sit still long enough to think about dieing. Roll the two together, and I could be in serious trouble. The mania gives me just enough energy to carry out the plans of my depressed mind.

I’ve been thinking about getting on some sort of medication again, but that means calling my OHCA insurance and finding out what doctor I can see; fight with them on the phone for 30 minutes or more, until I‘m ready to just cut my wrist instead. Then I have to call the doctors office, and hope like hell they are not crazy than me; make the appointment; for probably a month or more from now; (which by then I might feel different or I’ve already killed myself); force myself out of the house to go; sit in the waiting room for an hour at least; sit maybe 5 minutes before some motherfucker thinks he immediately knows my diagnosis; get on some fucked up pill that might make it all worse. It’s all guess work.

Okay, this shit is making me lose my buzz. Fuck all you motherfuckers who don’t like the way I am. Want to do something about it...then you call my insurance company, you set up the appointment, you come pick me up and make sure I arrive at every appointment, then you bring me back home and let me be. Yeah, that’s what I thought. You give a fuck as much as I do. I’ve got to get off here before I start letting my true feelings show.

Pain is delicious
Reminds me that I’m real.
Pain organizes me
Defines the boundaries of where I end
And the world begins.