My ‘disorder’ has been peaking
in the wrong direction for about a week now. I thought it would just ‘go away’,
but this time it wants to keep following me around like a lost puppy. I’ve
fought my entire life with thoughts of suicide and letting go of homicidal tendencies,
and so far I’ve won that battle, but fear of losing that control has been
weighing on my mind more frequently. I try to make myself go out and be around
people, but the slightest little thing has me wanting to put my hands around
their throats and choke the life out of them.
I stopped writing some
time ago out of fear of what others thought about me, but in doing that, I
think I lost a part of me. I want that back. I don’t know if I’m any good at
writing, but it did give me peace. Writing over the years has giving me a
chance to release the demons that are holding me back at being somebody; at
least that’s what I’ve been told. But dammit
it’s hard to let them go when they are friendlier and more inviting to me than most
My dreams are of killing
and being forced to do horrible, heinous crimes, and then I wake up with a
smile on my face. Is it because I enjoy the crime, or it is that I’m killing a
part of me that no longer needs to be there? Dreams linger throughout the day
as if that was reality, and here I am in a dream doing nothing with my life.
I’m going to try and avoid
doing anything really stupid, but change needs to come soon. I need to cut ‘things’.
I need to shift my thoughts. A psychologist once told me to deal with my fears by
exposing myself to that fear until it no longer caused me fear, and that I
could do the same thing with my thoughts—expose myself to them on purpose until
they no longer bother me.
For days now, I have felt like an alien. Strangers passing
by me are no doubt judging me as weird, if not completely crazy. Friends and
family would just never understand. Numbers are chasing me. I seem to always
look at the clock when it’s 12:34, why I don’t know, but twice day there it is;
while in the car, out shopping, driving past a bank, going to bed, turning the
TV to a different channel, just weird things.
To help me out, I’ve decided to make my own special blend of
“magic tea”, hoping this will help me sleep. Like tonight, I just can’t seem to
sleep. I’ve had the problem off and on for years now, just sometimes it gets
worse and I do nothing but toss and turn all night. I’ve tried the over the
counter sleep medicines, which didn’t help at all, and the doctors always want
to give me things like Trazodone. Thinking that will somehow fix me.
So instead, I make my own. At first it doesn’t taste good,
but gets better with each sip.I guess
the added alcohol doesn’t hurt. By the time I’m finished with a large cup, I’m
slowly drifting off to sleep for 6 or more hours of uninterrupted sleep. Feels
great when I’m able to sleep that long.
Last night after not having a cup I began dreaming that I
was robbing a bank, but just as I got all the money and was walking out the
bank I was shot repeatedly in the chest by many officers. I spent the rest of
the night awake. The nightmares always continue until I drink more of my ‘magic
I just finished an extra-large cup of my ‘magic tea’. I hope
tonight sleep will find me running through fields of tall sun flowers to reach
the other side.