"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways in a cloud of smoke, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and proudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!"
Have you ever reached a point to where you were just done? Done with people, done with trying. You're feel like a flame that is burning out. But I know if I let myself cross that line once again, I might not get back.
I've roamed around in some of the darkest halls, but somehow managed to find an open door that lead me towards some light. Most all the people that know me, don't know this side of me. Like most with deep depression, it is kept hidden, and I only let the sadness creep out when I'm alone, late at night.
I get out of bed everyday and carry on as if I've gotten everything figured out. The truth is, I just try not to think about the sadness and hope the day comes to a quick end. I've known other people who have walked down these type of halls and some of them never made it back. They ended their misery. I use to think that was what I wanted to happen to me, but I kept on walking around in the dark until I found a door to open.
For me, it was helping others. Even though I have very little, I offer all that I have to others when asked. Rarely is the same compassion offered back to me that I have so unconditionally given to others.
Maybe I've just hit this wall that is without a door. Passion and motivation are gone. I can walk past someone in need and not care any more. I just feel numb. I know there are still a few good people out there, but in my heart, I just don't feel it any more.
I have to remind myself everyday; don't do anything stupid, but stupid is a much easier choice. I've got to find a way to make time for me. I need to smile, laugh, and find the light that shines from some hidden door that I need to open. I'm not sure where I am anymore, and it sucks to be stuck in this nowhere place.
