Friday, August 09, 2013

~You should have never rocked the boat~

I’ve been quiet for many months now, dealing with my issues in my own way and for the most part leaving everyone alone. Which is exactly what I wanted everyone else to do in regards to me. Just leave me the fuck alone. But recently I have moved into the scary part of my ‘disorder’ where I have to deal with being in a ‘mixed’ state. It’s where I have depression and mania at the same time. The depression leaves me feeling suicidal/homicidal, and the mania gives me just enough energy to carry out any plans that could form.

In one of my stories I left the ‘others’ locked away in a small building surrounded by colossal size sunflowers, with heads so big that they leaned downwards as if they where bending down to whisper some secret in your ear. The others had to be left behind in order for me to move forward with my life, but for quite some time now, I feel like a part of me was gone. Today, I feel like I need them all here with me now, so I’m going to get them all and bring them out to see the sunflowers again. They are all a part of me, I have to learn how to deal with them, even if it means listening to them talk about ‘hunting this bitch and her children down. Making her watch as we kill her children and then force her to eat them.’ Yes, that is some sick shit, but the thought of revenge somehow makes it all seem okay.

I spent most of my day fantasizing about the various ways that a persons life could be taken in the most extreme fashion. I searched my mind for secret locations that I knew where a body could be placed and no one would ever be able to locate their remains. Even as I followed through with my daily routine of cleaning and gardening, the images repeat over and over in my mind with fleeting swiftness; and I smiled at the thoughts.

My mood has now changed and has become something else unknown to the average person you pass on the street. Paranoia creeps in and all thoughts turn into frightening, alarming thoughts. I want to silence my brain, but first I want to silence those who made my thoughts run so wild.

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