Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Decompensation and Mental Illness

I didn’t get but a couple of hours of interrupted sleep last night. My thoughts just wouldn’t lay down and relax with the rest of my body.  I hate days like this.

My thoughts are drifting towards wanting to cut just for the soul purpose of achieving a forced chemical reaction in my brain. But I can’t because I have to go to court in a few hours for the dog ticket. ... You could just wear long sleeves. Nobody would notice since it‘s wintertime. ...  SHUT UP! I don’t want another scar. FUCK! I’m past forty years old, I’m not some young stressed out teen that doesn’t know a thing about life.

I attempted to send my focus elsewhere early this morning by checking out some of the links that people come from when they visit my site. One person linked back to my site quoting parts of my very first post....

“Antisocial personality with intermittent psychotic decompensation.”

They then wrote the following on their site...

“Decompensation or episodes of deterioration are quite common with mental illness. Decompensation means that when a person is stressed out, they withdraw from the situation. Decompensation and mental illness go hand in hand. In decompensation, the person loses control even when they are trying to be on their best behavior. The signs and symptoms of mental illness then keep them from working and they end up having repeated episodes. They show less fear of punishment, and seem to need to do things that excite their nervous system, such as thrill-seeking behaviors.”

Guess whoever this person is, they are using me as an example. It does describe me well, but I won’t follow their suggestion.... Medication and therapy. I refused to take anti-psychotic pills and I don’t have the money for therapy. Besides this is my therapy. It’s worked so far. I’ve been on here for a little over 4 years now and I haven’t killed anyone or myself. I still think about doing so quite frequently, but as long as I continue to seek out other alternatives that excite my nervous system, no one’s life will end today by my hands. Unless of course some jackass at court pushes my wrong damn button.  

8 comments:

Coffeypot said...

I do have to deal with my dark side more often than I like, but I have never thought about cutting or burning myself. Killing myself, yes, but to do something to just have the pain...not today. I guess it's a good thing you can't carry a gun or knife to court.

MainliningEyeliner said...

wow...never heard of this until now...and that would explain why I went out to hitch hike for booze at midnight last night...

Alex said...

Hey i'm with you. Do whatever the hell you want to.

GregoryJ said...

I self spank and cane and strap. Some frustrations lead to head punches or head banging.
I have depression and medicate. I've been through therapists; none seemed to work.
I've read your stories. Might they be an outlet for you?
aka Bumtickler

MsPsycho said...

Thanks everyone for stopping by.

Coffeypot... I did carry a knife with me, but I always have one on me. The small court around here doesn't have a metal detector so they don't bother to check what a person is carrying. But everything turned out okay... I guess... the lowered the fine to 10 dollars plus 30 dollar court cost. I paid it and was done with the whole stupid thing.

Yes, GregoryJ... My stories are my outlet when dealing with my dark side. This way I can talk about cutting, killing, etc... without actually doing any of those things. Works for me... so far.

BipolarBeauty said...

BipolarBeauty

I've never posted to a blog before but I have written a little on Facebook sometimes. I journal by hand and just recently got a computer and days ago I got Internet. I was looking up "decompensating + mental health" and your blog came up on Google. I've only slept 5 hours a night for the last 4 nights. I'm starting to lose it. I'm bipolar-get in trouble with mania but severe depression just makes me sleep 20 hours a day. I'm decompensating and called my social worker yesterday and see her tomorrow. Time for me to return to individual talk therapy. No group therapy for rape survivors here in Dayton (by a neighbor where I live-knew his Apt. # but not his name when it happened). Civil protection order took a while but he ain't here no more.

Anonymous said...

Truth cannot be organized without invalidating it. If you really want to change these things about yourself, get closer to them. Know yourself and how you feel intimately in every moment. Meditate on your every experience, and grow through this knowledge of yourself into a new body of ecstasy and equanimity. I Was beaten as a child (literally black and blue). My mother abandoned my family and wound up in jail for most of my adolescence. I ran away at 16. I couch surfed, slept on park benches, and totally lost a grip on reality. I'm coming back home a little more every day. The important question is WHAT THE FUCK IS REALITY? The answer is simple: THIS IS IT! Good or bad, this is it. Pay attention and become intimate with it. Stop running from it.

Anonymous said...

I live and work across the road from a Hospital. All the young doctors live accross the road. I'm out there yelling at the top of my head how much I hate doctors in the middle of the night etc, as I get no sleep as the big bore scum tear up and down all night but they are friends of the doctors I'm sure.
Recently I have been taking my Pain meds, among which is some stuff called DHC and it seems to help keep a lid on things for me. But I hate it even so I dont believe in drugs really. So I stop taking it, and then get withdrawal symptoms which make me even more looney. Good Blog cheers.