Sunday, August 08, 2010

Today I'm a Different Person?

I started this blog on December 31, 2005 with a plan in mind. Like a lot of other people I thought about the variety of ways that I could improve my life in the coming new year. Making a resolution is easy. The hard part is following through with that promise made from deep conviction.

A part of me was determined to find the peace that legal drugs had failed to help me discover. So, I wrote out a promise to myself to try something different, to walk down a different path than the one I had been on for the past 20 plus years. Since the age of 18, I had been on some sort of legal drugs, off and on every few months for my psychiatric disorders.

Just a few months before I started this blog, I quit taking the lithium that the psychiatrist had  prescribed for my bi-polar disorder. I hated the way it made me feel nothing. No highs, no lows, just blank wondering around most of the time. When the drugs finally left my body, I felt alive...on top of the world! I wanted to keep that feeling alive for as long as possible. I rode that roller-coaster to the highest possible point and tossed my hands up as I rode it down to the bottom. The hard part was crawling my way back up to the top, feeling like I was pulling the roller-coaster carts behind me.

For 20 years when this ride occurred I would seek the help of whatever quack doctor my insurance would pay for, and take whatever type of drug was offered until my mood stabilized. I never learned how to deal with the highs and lows without using medication. I let whatever the latest pill was, take care of my problems. Problem was, it never took care of the problem. The pills only made it all easier to deal with.

With all this in mind, I started blogging with the determination for the first time in 20 years to ride the roller-coaster without any type of psychiatric drugs. I have to say, it has been an incredible fucking ride! Sometimes I take a sharp left, but then things correct themselves and I’m again going the right way. I have days when things are just not clear, but other days I’m so high up, I can see for miles.

At the end of this year I will have been on here, and off of psychiatric drugs for 5 years. I feel like a completely different person than I was 5 years ago. I’ve learned how to deal with some of my ‘strange’ behaviors, and I’m sure I’ve have a lot more to work on. But I’m doing it on my own terms. Some (law enforcement) may think I still need to be on medication, and maybe they are right, but I just don’t see the same picture right now.

I jump right in. Sometimes without looking.

I’ll do what I have to do, even if it means just simply sitting in front of the police department watching them, and knowing that it’s fucking with their head wondering what I’m doing.

I’m just trying to feel some sort of control. Trying to figure out my own way to stabilize my mood, without using psychiatric drugs.

Life is short, forgive sooner and always keep smiling.

9 comments:

bazza said...

Hi MsPsychos. Wow! I think you have found a wonderful therapy through blogging. You write very skillfully and powerfully and I hope you keep making progress in all aspects of your life. You have done brilliantly to get this far and survive!

In the Pink said...

Your blog has sent me in a frenzy. I want to stop all my meds. Aaagghhh. Sorry, it isn't your fault but my own. I have been longing to quite my cocktail so I may enjoy just one more blessed full blown mania. Fly me to the moon.

I do not dare stop my meds though. I am afraid of the person i used to be. Drinking to cope with my moods. It was an awful time.

I always appreciate your post and love the absolute honesty.

Joe Cap said...

Kind of amusing how you 'taunt' law enforcement.

MsPsycho said...

So far this is working for me. But I DO NOT suggest that others try this. Do Not stop taking your meds without first speaking with someone. If taking meds works for you, then you should continue on that path.

I have to do some really 'strange' things sometimes to correct my odd behaviors. I just think everyone has to find what works for them.

Yeah... the taunting thing...hehe. see it makes me giggle now. I'll do whatever I have to do to live my life without taking another mood altering pill.

Thanks everyone for stopping by. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Anonymous said...

I really want to stop taking my meds, but am afraid of the person I may become. I am making some major changes in my life to calm things down, so perhaps in the next year or so I will be able to find relief without meds. I don't know you, but so glad I stumbled on to this blog.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Your history with legal drugs and current solutions echo my past and present. I can relate! I appreciate you sharing yourself so openly. Keep on LIVING life!

Midnitefyrfly said...

I am with you! I haven't been blogging for as long as you, but i have been off my psychiatric meds for around 7 years or so now. I am also bi-polar. I LOVED your comparison to the roller coaster. The feeling of dragging it up the hill behind you is so accurate. I, too, have to do some strange things to manage my ups and downs, but it is worth it.

I wish Dr's and therapists had more time to help teach people coping skills for depression and mania instead of just stabilizing them with meds.

I sometimes mourn the loss of time when I lived life emotionless because of my meds. The depression can be hard at times, but it is always worth it for the glorious times of mania, when I am on top of the world and accomplish so much.

Thanks for sharing your experiences so candidly and honestly.

Michel Le said...

Hey MsPsychos!
I commend your resilience and was wondering if you have ever read any of the following books:
"The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, "Relaxation Revolution" by Herbert Benson, or any of Deepak Chopra's works. It's possible you would find something helpful in one (or all) of them!
Have a joyful and peaceful day :)

Eternal Impugner said...

Never came across dopers before. never knew how it feels like. The rollercoster? Oh my god, Iam happy for you MsPsychos.

You write impeccably.