Saturday, April 24, 2010

The time I kill is killing me

The time I normal would spend with my older son, is now my time. And to be honest I don’t really want it. I already have enough empty time on my hands. I miss the special early morning bonding with him when he was only a year old and it was just him and me. ....gotta take a break. Sorry I was having several flashbacks to some special moments we have shared over the years. Damn it sounds like he died or something, or moved a thousand miles away, but he hasn’t. He moved in with some friends that live less than a mile from here. I miss him, but I know he’s growing up and wanting to have a life of his own. Still, I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.

There is where my problem lies. With time. It has passed too quickly. He was conceived in November 1988. That was such a long time ago, but it still feels like a few blinks of my eye. I notice time too much now. Each night I go to lay down and as my head hits the pillow I think to myself, “wasn’t I doing this just a few minutes ago?” I need to find something that will make my days feel more memorable. I miss the excitement of new things. It’s not like when I was in my teens and twenties where everyday brought the possibility of something new. Now at 43, I feel like........ There’s nothing for me to do.

Tonight I sit here alone, with a clean house and nothing to do with my time but play games on face book. There’s no yelling at the boys to behave or that’s it’s time for bed...etc. Readjusting to life without them both there is hard. At one point in my life, I truly looked forward to my years when I would no longer have to pick up their dirty socks from the floor, yell at them to pick up their rooms, or to get their chores done. Now that time has arrived, and wish I could go back and do it all over again.

My younger sons 17th birthday was on Monday the 12th but we celebrated it on Saturday the 10th. It gave me a reason to call my older son and have him stop by. It allowed us to have a talk, and I let him know that I was still there if he needed anything. Since then he has stopped by a couple times and picked up his mattress, bedding, more clothing, food, and of course I gave him several boxes of dishes that I had brought last year just for him. Back then when I bought the stuff, I knew this day was coming, but it’s almost like a sudden death in the family... You don’t quite know how to react until it happens.

My moods have been rapidly running up and down hills and through valleys, and frequently getting lost in the woods. There have been recent days when thoughts of death are my constant companion. Then I take a breath and remember, I still have time to put in with my 17-year-old, and that alone is what allows me to see streaks of sunlight peeking through the trees and warming my face.

Thursday, April 08, 2010


I'm in need of a distraction.

I just wish it would rain so I could go walk out in it and let it pour over my face.

Time is free, but it's Priceless

Today has been a long day, and I should be in bed staring at the back of my eyelids, but instead I‘m thinking too much again. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I was thinking about court and about my older son moving out. I finally made it asleep around 5am only to be woke up at 8:30am by my younger son because the person he was riding with ran out of gas and needed my help. By the time I got them off to school I figured I might as well stay awake and get some shopping done.

Problem was I couldn’t concentrate long enough to remember everything I was needing to pick up. So after an hour of wondering around lost in Wal-Mart, I gave up and instead visited Morris park. It gave me time to think about what I wanted to do with my court and what I wanted to say to my older son.

After 2 hours of walking around looking at nature and taking a few pictures, the decision about court was quickly settled. I would be broke, but the fine would be paid in full and more importantly I wouldn’t have to appear in court. I drove to city hall as I continued thinking about my older son moving out.

He’s 19 years old, turns 20 in August, but I still worry so much about him. I want him to succeed where I failed. I’ve given up a lot of things to make sure he had a good chance. Now I don’t know if I did enough. I fully understand him wanting to be out on his own, but I also fear him screwing it up and I have to be the one to bail him out again.

That’s not what’s bothering me right now.... I figure if he fucks up, oh well, he will learn, experience is the best teacher. My problem is ..... Letting him go. There are tears now. He was my baby. My first born. His presences forever altered my life. He was my reason I got out of bed every morning just so I could see his beautiful smile.

Now he’s a grown man wanting to have a life of his own. I knew the day was coming, I just didn’t think it would be so soon. It just hit me hard a couple hours ago when I was moving some of his things to another room. I stared at his baby pictures hanging on the wall, the picture of his cute little smile he had on his face one year when he convinced me to buy him a baby duck, all the years of football pictures, and then there sat his senior picture... I broke into tears. My little man has grown up. Time has passed too quickly.

I think I need to get some sleep now.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Second Chance

I screwed up again. At least it wasn’t a negative thing this time. I thought my court date was on the 6th   which is what the court clerk told me when I called her to change the date last month, but when I drove by the police department there wasn’t anyone there. I was a little early, but not so early that no one else would be there. I thought Tuesday night was a odd night for court, but I found the paper where I had wrote down the 6th.  I either wrote it down wrong or the court clerk gave me the wrong date.

City hall was still open, so I drove there to see how much the fine was and maybe just pay the ticket. The fine was $199 which was a little more than I had on me, and I found out the court date wasn’t until Thursday.  Now I just need to come up with a little more money in two days and avoid going to court.  Anyone care to donate?

Storms are moving in, so I'm going to get off here for the night.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Starting New

I have court tomorrow, and I still haven't told the people around me the truth about what I'm really going to court for. So stress is really impeding my thinking process. Not only do I have court, but I'm also dealing with my 19 year old thinking about quitting Spartan College and wanting to move out to live with friends. I also find out through the grapevine that my sisters house burned down to the ground two weeks ago. My first thought when I found out was why didn't she call and let me know? Am I hated that much by my own family?

I want to write more on this, but I'm having a hard time putting words together. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, too much stress worrying about the outcome of my court, or wondering why I'm still hated by my family. 

I hope everything goes smooth with the court, but sometimes I never know what's going to happen. I keep telling myself that this will be the last time I go to court, but then my reckless mind takes me to other places.

But maybe it's time to start new again. My sister is going to have to start new, my 19-year-old is about to start his new life, so maybe this is the time for me to start with a new promise to stay away from my reckless behavior. It can't hurt, and all I can do is try.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Friday, April 02, 2010

I Yearn for a Sense of Purpose That Will Define My Place in This World

Several years ago I read a short story similar to the one below, but it had a different, happier ending. I don't recall how it was exactly written, so I'm going to write my version...

My  life..

Chapter 1

I’m walking down the street minding my own business.
I don’t see the deep hole in sidewalk.
I fall in.
I can’t see any light around me.
I feel helpless, stupid, worthless.
Everything is my fault.
It takes years to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I’m walking down the same street.
There is that deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I hit bottom, but this time
I’m standing in 2 feet of mud.
I feel so stupid,
I can’t believe I’m in the same place again.
It’s all my fault.
It takes a long time to dig my way out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is that deep hole in the sidewalk again.
I see it has gotten bigger.
I easily fall in,
It seemed like the safe thing to do.
I can’t see anything.
Others are needed to help me out this time.
The fault lies inside me.

Chapter 4

I walk down that same street.
I immediately see the increasing larger hole in the sidewalk.
I try to step around it,
But it pulls me in
until I’m laying face down in the mud at the bottom.
I don’t know how to find my way out.
I have learned nothing.
It’s years before I’m able to wash all the mud off.

Chapter 5

I still haven’t figured out how to walk down another street.

Originally chapter 5 took the person down a different road. But I got lost on my way trying to find another road. I need to find the happy ending in chapter 5... That's the hard part.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Still Awake

Listening to YouTube Videos... hehe..
Comrads... Homeboyz

Potential Victims

Operating on 3 hours of sleep and still going out again tomorrow.

Potential Victims

I think I'm going to scope out the neighbors house...hehe. Let's see if we can have a little fun...hehe.