Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sitting In The Dark Getting Buzzed

Two roads split in the woods,
  I took the one less traveled by others, 
Now I’m wondering where the hell am I?


I remember as a teen I once tried to explain to an officer ‘what my problem was’, but I couldn’t put into words the chaos that was driving around in circles in my mind. I’m still not sure I can explain it to people who have never experienced intrusive thoughts. It’s similar to being in a room full of people, each one with their own thoughts and ideas, right or wrong, speaking rapidly, and I have to decide which voice I obey.

My latest thoughts involved the death of many people. One by one, going door to door, leaving no one standing until the entire block is clear. I see the images, the blood, the look of shock on their faces, puzzlement, wondering why. Don’t ask me, I still don’t know why. It just has to be done.

I’m a weak person, so many times I listen to the wrong voice. Tell me what I’m living for.

When the thoughts become louder than usual, I have to get out. This is when I spend most of my time driving around in my circles, playing music loud enough to drown out all the noise in my head. People sometimes look at me crazy when I pull up next to them and my music is vibrating their car windows. But I don’t care what they think, it’s the only way to drown out all the other voices.

At least I’ve figured out an early warning signal that I get right before I’m about to experience violent intrusive thoughts. It can happen anywhere or at anytime, depending on the odors around me, but certain things that I smell impact my thought process. The stronger the odor the stronger my response. Sometimes it can be pleasant at first, like when I was shopping at Wal-Mart the other day, I walked past this average looking guy who had on some wonderful smelling cologne, which set off my intrusive thoughts. The next thing I realize, I’m stalking this guy just to smell him, and I’m dreaming about having sex with him. Then suddenly my mind shifts and I go from wanting to have sex with him, to wanting to take his life slowly. My mind then fears that I might suddenly act out some sexually inappropriate behavior right there in the middle of the floor in Wal-Mart, so I have to quickly get away from him.

Then there are the times when I smell something that isn’t pleasant, like the exhaust from my car sitting in the garage. My mind will sometimes tell me to just sit there with the engine running, without opening the garage door, and just let things happen. First though I might go out and smash my car into as many things as I can, and then come home and close the garage tightly down around me.

This is mostly why I smoke weed. It shuts up all those stupid ass voices floating around in head.

Below is a link to a site I think I've posted before, but it explains what violent intrusive thoughts are and how treatment might work for people looking for a solution.
Violent Obsessions Killer Thoughts

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Keeping me sane...

My post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxiety is in full swing right now. But I shouldn’t bitch because I did it to myself when I got bored and began reading stories about children being abused.  When I read about or see stories about child abuse or sexual abuse, my heart rate increases rapidly and nausea will follow. I then have to swiftly re-arrange my thoughts to stop myself from doing something stupid. If I can’t do it for myself, I’ll do it for them.

I thought about suicide so frequently today that it became my obsession. I repeatedly thought about all the possible ways to die, and the easiest method to achieve this goal. One of my hidden personalities who is the responsible, level headed one, stepped forth in my moment of severe distress and prevented me from taking my life. But the one that scares me the most, is the personality that shows no fear. She knows that we can’t take our own life, but she can force others to do it for her. This war is a non-stop battle in my mind, and sometimes I feel like surrendering to the wrong side. Having children is the only thing that has prevented me from crossing that line.  

I’ve been trying to do the right things like exercise, eat right, get a good night’s sleep, get out in the world and be more social, stop all the negative thinking, and do more things that I enjoy. But, it’s tough to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like, ‘what’s the point’. I’m not making a difference in this world, I’m not a productive member of society, I’ve been to prison, I’ve broken many laws, etc. I could list a hundred negative things about myself. But, all they have to do is smile and I remember what I’m here for.

What I dislike most about myself is that I’m not very intelligent. Compared to some I might be, but I feel way below average. And I hate that about myself. I’m not sure who is to blame, probably me, or it could have been the fact that it was impossible to concentrate in school when I was always thinking about what was going to secretly take place at home later. Maybe I can place the blame on the hours of lost sleep due to the unbearably cold room that I slept in while growing up, or the hole in the roof near the foot of my bed that leaked large buckets of water every time it rained, or maybe it was because I always feared that one day my father would snap and kill everyone in the house. FUCK! Maybe it was because I was thinking about my brothers being in the hospital after they were shot. I didn’t have fucking time or room in my head to think about what was being taught. If I did think about school work, I did only long enough to memorize what was on the test, pass it, and then I would forget. They will never have to deal with this kind of stress.

I wanted so much to go to college after high school, but there was no way for me to achieve that goal. Once I let go of that dream, all hope was lost and arrest, jail, prison, mental hospitals, drug rehabs, all soon followed. By the time I finally got my life in some sort of order and was ready to commit to going back to school, I got pregnant. All plans to further my education again came to a halt. For the past 20 years I have focused on making sure my boys have all the opportunities to better their lives in a way that I never had. I’m sure I still have a few more years to go, but what will I do when they are not there to keep me sane?

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Decompensation and Mental Illness

I didn’t get but a couple of hours of interrupted sleep last night. My thoughts just wouldn’t lay down and relax with the rest of my body.  I hate days like this.

My thoughts are drifting towards wanting to cut just for the soul purpose of achieving a forced chemical reaction in my brain. But I can’t because I have to go to court in a few hours for the dog ticket. ... You could just wear long sleeves. Nobody would notice since it‘s wintertime. ...  SHUT UP! I don’t want another scar. FUCK! I’m past forty years old, I’m not some young stressed out teen that doesn’t know a thing about life.

I attempted to send my focus elsewhere early this morning by checking out some of the links that people come from when they visit my site. One person linked back to my site quoting parts of my very first post....

“Antisocial personality with intermittent psychotic decompensation.”

They then wrote the following on their site...

“Decompensation or episodes of deterioration are quite common with mental illness. Decompensation means that when a person is stressed out, they withdraw from the situation. Decompensation and mental illness go hand in hand. In decompensation, the person loses control even when they are trying to be on their best behavior. The signs and symptoms of mental illness then keep them from working and they end up having repeated episodes. They show less fear of punishment, and seem to need to do things that excite their nervous system, such as thrill-seeking behaviors.”

Guess whoever this person is, they are using me as an example. It does describe me well, but I won’t follow their suggestion.... Medication and therapy. I refused to take anti-psychotic pills and I don’t have the money for therapy. Besides this is my therapy. It’s worked so far. I’ve been on here for a little over 4 years now and I haven’t killed anyone or myself. I still think about doing so quite frequently, but as long as I continue to seek out other alternatives that excite my nervous system, no one’s life will end today by my hands. Unless of course some jackass at court pushes my wrong damn button.  

Monday, February 08, 2010

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional

There are moments when my mind misses a few beats, and days pass without remembering the events. I find myself in mid-step or mid-breath, feeling as if being delivered abruptly into my body after a long absence. Spent where, I couldn’t really say, it’s sorta like being in a long, dreamless sleep. I had one of those days today. Bad weather or not, I forced myself out into the world for a walk to restore my self and maybe find a little .... something.... I just don’t know what it is yet.

Let’s free the mind with a little nonsense writing, even if it will only make sense to some.

My Crazy Day

This morning when I first stumbled out of bed, I stubbed my big toe on the edge of the bed, which sent waves of unpleasant sensations throughout my already aching body. Blood immediately pooled under the nail, and then oozed out the corners onto the carpet. It was only a small dose of what my day would entail.

I sat in my dark bedroom, drinking my morning obese cup of French vanilla coffee, listening to Headline Morning News as I nursed my aching big toe, when the power suddenly went out. It was another random blackout that had been occurring daily for the past couple weeks. I cursed loudly as I blindly finished wrapping a large Band-Aid over the top of my toe, and then I carefully slip on my shoes. As I stood to feel myself along, the sound of the TV return and I could feel the fan blowing again, but I could see anything. The power was all back on, but I was partly blind, able to only see outlines of harsh images.

I experienced this moment of raw terror, and I felt around for the phone. I was feeling an overwhelming need to call work and let them know I would be late. Only, I couldn't remember the number. And, even if I could, I didn’t think I could remember the layout of the numbers on the keypad.

Fear of losing my job overtook my mind, because we all know what happens to people who lose their jobs, so I didn't hesitate. Fortunately, my purse and keys were near the front door, so I able to easily locate them. I then stumbled out my apartment door. I felt along the railing until I came to the stairwell and eased myself down along each step.

I was down about 8 steps when suddenly this thing slammed me up against the wall and licks me across the face. I open my mouth wide as I let out a loud ear piercing scream, and it jams its tongue right into my mouth. Gagging for air, I bite fiercely down on the tongue and feel metal with my teeth. My thoughts run to whatever this is, it was into body piercing.

I fight hard to free myself from this things painful clutches. The pain was mixing with the throbbing of my big toe, making my head spin. It’s nails penetrated my flesh as it held me firmly in place. It reeked of rotting meat, making me feel ill. Then, abruptly it jammed it’s tongue into my right ear and held me firmly in place. I could hear a weird noise in my right ear as if someone was playing a tiny drum set in a sewer pipe. Next, I heard what sounded like someone shooting a gun nearby, and the thing let me go.

I stood back and shook my head, and that was when my eyesight returned. I looked around and saw no one or anything, and decided to go onto work. I made it in the front door just in time to see the boss standing near the time clock. I casually stroll his direction, and he eyeballs me in a strange way. I freeze, expecting him to say something, but he makes a grunting sound and walks back to his office.

I clock in and then go to my cubicle and sit down in the overly stuffed office chair. It feels foreign, or unreal like. I look around and notice I don’t recognize anything or anybody. I can’t shake the feeling and quickly make a beeline to the bathroom. I see myself in the mirror and I look horrible. The front of my white blouse was spotted with blood as if I had fallen on a bed of needles. A gel like substance oozed from my right ear, dead leaves were stuck to my shirt, and other various small pieces of debris was stuff into my hair.

I cleaned myself the best I could, and then returned to my corner. I couldn’t believe the boss didn’t say anything. I work my way through lunch without a break, and then stayed a little past five until everyone had left for the day. By the time I was ready to go home, my right ear finally stopped hurting, and the gel substance stopped flowing from inside.

So, as you see it’s been a fairly normal day, apart from the vomiting fit which kicked in just after I got home. I spent half an hour vomiting up blood, and once again, there were those little white spiders mixed in that run around in circles shouting the words crazy. The right side of my face is now numb, and I can still feel a couple of the critters crawling around somewhere behind my eyes. I think they are painting something hateful. It's really annoying as hell,and it's driving me crazy.

Except that I won't go crazy. That's one thing that's become plain. Nobody goes crazy. They just are or aren’t. Stone cold sanity. That's what we endure.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

In Need of a Distraction

All my life I’ve had to deal with depression or some other disorder of the mind. I’ll be the first to admit there are days when I feel like death would be a better option. Then there are the days when everything is beautiful and I just have to giggle at the world we live in. Those are the days that I reach out for, grab onto and put in my pocket for later.

When my mind set turns dark, and I just can’t seem to force myself out into the sunlight, I look for other distractions such as cleaning long ago forgotten corners of my house. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve lived in one house for any extended amount of time, you never know what you might find in your quest to clean out clutter. Such as a missing sock that you were sure the washer or dryer ate or carried away to another land never to be seen again.

Over the years I’ve discovered when I have my first thought of suicide, that very first moment of thought when my world feels dark, if I will instead seek out some sort of distraction, a little sunlight can shine through the tiny holes in the foil that covers my windows.

I believe each person has their own reason to feel like giving up on some days, and each person has to discover their own distraction that works for them. If you’ve read much of my blog you will see where I have tried numerous options. Some traditional, like going for a walk, while others options that I have chosen over the years maybe be extreme for most., such as my ‘stalking’ of police. The point is you have to find what works for you. Even if it is as simple as taking a walk, going to see a movie, reading a book, re-arranging a room for just the right look, cleaning, or relieving your mind through writing. Find what works for you, but don’t stop trying.

A really good one is meeting new people and finding out what’s going on in their lives. This sometimes helps me see my own life a little clearer. My problem is sometimes my disorders kick in and I can’t force myself outside to meet the sunlight, let alone another human being. On these days, I turn to my computer. I secretly read about what others have wondering around in their minds, but if I’m feeling really bold, I sign up at some site or forum and be someone I’m not. Someone I would maybe like to be. No one but me has to know the truth. One day maybe I’ll return to these sites as the real me and thank them for keeping me distracted enough to live my life one more day.

Recently I came across a really great site. There are a bunch of great normal guys that hang out there and talk about coin collecting and whatever else their mind concocts. It’s a wonderful place for a good giggle or two, and you might find this distraction to be just what your mind needed. If you ever feel the need to hide out somewhere and make a few new online friends go visit:

Open Forum Refuge

Tell them MsPsycho said hello. You never know, I might be hanging out there myself.