Monday, December 20, 2010

Storm of Emotions

My fuse is short.... If you light it... You better run fast.
Kill them with kindness... Kill them with kindness... Kill them with kind.. Kill them with... Kill them... Kill them!!

SOMEBODY! Grant me the serenity to accept the fact that some people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, and the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.

If it moves shoot it.
I envision bones snapping, and I enjoy the sound.

Sometimes I forget this site is my therapy, especially when things are moving along in the ‘normal’ direction. I guess it’s like the people who attend AA or NA, you have to keep going or it stops working.

It’s around 2am, and for the 4th day in a row, I can’t sleep, so I need to return to the one thing that was giving me some sort of peace... My writing.

For the past several days I have experienced extreme anger that boils up from somewhere deep inside my lower stomach and crawls it way into my thoughts. Then comes the slap across my face as homicidal and suicidal thoughts destroy my mind. Everyone that pisses me off in the wrong way, has my mind envisioning the most violent thoughts a person can have.

Only those who deserve it.
Hung with care, will the police soon be there?

6 million ways to die.
Push someone ‘accidentally’ in front of traffic?
Maybe a little rat poison in their food?
Hold their head under water...
Slice their throat?
Baseball bat to the back of their head?
Will it end in suicide?


My brain has locked on and seized this one particular thought so tightly that I can’t seem to be able to let it go without doing something ‘stupid’ to unfreeze my brain. These strange thoughts terrify me, and at times I’m afraid that my forbidden thoughts may become so powerful that they break out and I act on these thoughts. It’s wreaking havoc on my mental health.

I dream horrid dreams, and often mutter unmentionable thoughts... so pay no attention to me as I casual stroll by.

Tomorrow I have to get out of town and go ‘stalk’ someone if that is what is needed to bring me out of this state of mind before Christmas arrives.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Drinking Alone

SoCo & Lime is the stuff to drink
It's for the girl that hurts when she thinks
As she looks at the last remaining shot
She sees the world as the world is not.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Tough Choice

The evening is mine alone... Shall I write a story, or go out on the town for a night of revenge?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Time

I need some alone time....

If I don't get some soon I'm going to ...............................................

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

W

Sorry I haven't been around much, but I've been playing normal...
I'm not sure if it's working out. 

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Secrets...

but I'm afraid of what others might think.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

9/11

youtube video ... 9/11 Respect

Monday, September 06, 2010

Memories

Memory is a funny thing.
It holds back information, I guess.
Protecting us from the horror of truth.
Only allowing us edited versions of events.
Yet the mind knows.
It has to, in order to know what to hold back.
And that's what troubles me.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Today I learned...

Not to go digging around in old haunts...

because you might dig up some ghosts from a long ago forgotten past.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Gotta Carve Out SomeTime to Write

Same time, same place everyday...

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Today I'm a Different Person?

I started this blog on December 31, 2005 with a plan in mind. Like a lot of other people I thought about the variety of ways that I could improve my life in the coming new year. Making a resolution is easy. The hard part is following through with that promise made from deep conviction.

A part of me was determined to find the peace that legal drugs had failed to help me discover. So, I wrote out a promise to myself to try something different, to walk down a different path than the one I had been on for the past 20 plus years. Since the age of 18, I had been on some sort of legal drugs, off and on every few months for my psychiatric disorders.

Just a few months before I started this blog, I quit taking the lithium that the psychiatrist had  prescribed for my bi-polar disorder. I hated the way it made me feel nothing. No highs, no lows, just blank wondering around most of the time. When the drugs finally left my body, I felt alive...on top of the world! I wanted to keep that feeling alive for as long as possible. I rode that roller-coaster to the highest possible point and tossed my hands up as I rode it down to the bottom. The hard part was crawling my way back up to the top, feeling like I was pulling the roller-coaster carts behind me.

For 20 years when this ride occurred I would seek the help of whatever quack doctor my insurance would pay for, and take whatever type of drug was offered until my mood stabilized. I never learned how to deal with the highs and lows without using medication. I let whatever the latest pill was, take care of my problems. Problem was, it never took care of the problem. The pills only made it all easier to deal with.

With all this in mind, I started blogging with the determination for the first time in 20 years to ride the roller-coaster without any type of psychiatric drugs. I have to say, it has been an incredible fucking ride! Sometimes I take a sharp left, but then things correct themselves and I’m again going the right way. I have days when things are just not clear, but other days I’m so high up, I can see for miles.

At the end of this year I will have been on here, and off of psychiatric drugs for 5 years. I feel like a completely different person than I was 5 years ago. I’ve learned how to deal with some of my ‘strange’ behaviors, and I’m sure I’ve have a lot more to work on. But I’m doing it on my own terms. Some (law enforcement) may think I still need to be on medication, and maybe they are right, but I just don’t see the same picture right now.

I jump right in. Sometimes without looking.

I’ll do what I have to do, even if it means just simply sitting in front of the police department watching them, and knowing that it’s fucking with their head wondering what I’m doing.

I’m just trying to feel some sort of control. Trying to figure out my own way to stabilize my mood, without using psychiatric drugs.

Life is short, forgive sooner and always keep smiling.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Why do I do this?









To feel some sort of control...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Bad Day

I’ve never been a social person. I guess most of that comes from the fact that when growing up I had very little contact with other people in social settings. Over the years I have learned to adapt to most any situation, but then there are moments when all I want to do is resort back to a more barbaric way of handling things. Maybe I should just let MsPsycho handle all things....?

My 7 year old tv began experiencing difficulties in working correctly, and although I don’t watch much tv, I do have a few select shows that I enjoy watching, so when it failed to come on, I headed out the door in search of another one. Knowing I didn’t have a lot of money, I decided to search at a couple of different pawn shops hoping to find one that wouldn’t cost too much. The first shop I stopped at offered only a couple of small tv’s that harbored pounds of dust. The next pawn shop looked cleaner, but the parking lot was full.

I had a friend drop me off near the door while he and my son looked for a parking spot. The moment I opened the door I should have turned around and walked right back out, but I spotted several nice clean tv’s sitting on a corner shelf, so I stepped on inside. A young, black girl standing near the door, holding merchandise to pawn, stepped towards me just as I enter the door, which caused me to bump into her slightly. I said a low excuse, while she just stared at me.

Ignoring her, I walked on over near the tv’s and found one that had a nice price and looked good. As I’m standing there looking at the others, I can hear this bitch behind me talking about how I had just bumped into her. I tried to ignore her stupidity, but it continued to mount as she continued to throw out insults. I almost snapped!

I took a deep breath.... Bitch do you realize I will go psycho on your ass in about three seconds flat. I will beat you down to the ground and keep stomping your face until the police pull me off your bloody stupid ignorant self. I have been to the Pen and I won’t put up with some low life bitch that needs to grow the fuck up! Deep breath, .... and I put MsPsycho behind the curtains for a moment.

I turn around from the tv’s and walk back near the girl. I look her in the face and again I say excuse me loud enough for everyone to hear. I exit the store and get to the car just as they find a parking spot. I just shake my head and tell them they didn’t have any nice tv’s.

Eventually, I found a tv, but never again will I search at a pawn shop that is really busy. The anti-social, bi-polar, fucked up person inside of me (MsPsycho) might be hard to contain next time.

Part two of my day....

After several hours of having the most vial thoughts about that woman, I had to head home to my happy place. There is one thing that relaxes my body and mind more than anything else, and it’s not marijuana. (Even though that does help.:) I find my peace in my little 18 foot above ground pool that I got from Wal-Mart. During the summer I will spend at least an hour or more everyday, cleaning out the pool, exercising, swimming, and floating in the water, absorbing the vitamin d from the sun.

Just as I changed into my clothes to head to the backyard, my neighbor/friend calls, panicking about how her husband didn’t want to spend 10 dollars at the PUBIC pool for just an hour of swimming for his 3 kids. Apparently he didn’t get off his lazy ass and get them their on time to swim longer. So, she wants to know if they can all swim in my pool. I finally agree, but tell her she has to watch them. I can tell in her voice that she doesn’t want to watch them either. (They’re not our fucking kids....MsPsycho whispers in my ear.)

I tell her that I’m watching a show on tv, so she says the 12 year old can watch the 7 and 5 year old. I’m thinking not a good idea, but I finally agree. Thirty minutes later they show up, but with a couple other kids from the neighborhood that heard they were going swimming and wanted to come.

Deep breathe.... I don’t have a fucking community pool! This is my private pool for me to enjoy! Not for every dirty little snot nosed kid in the neighborhood! This is MY happy place! Every motherfucker on this block probably makes more money than I do. If you want to let your kids enjoy a pool, then you save money to buy one. That’s what I have to do. I don’t make over 100 thousands dollars a fucking year.... but you do! You put in the time to set up the pool, fill it with water, pay the water bill, buy the chemicals needed to keep the water clear, clean it out everyday. Then when I come asking if I can swim in your little personal sized pool, I wonder what you will have to say. Fuck people! You’re fucking up my space!! Deep breathe! And MsPsycho steps behind the curtain.

You guys have fun, just be careful. I walked off to my room and smoked a joint.
We’re much better now.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Am I God's Tragic Mistake?

No Matter how Many "Watch Your Step" Signs There are... I always seem to fall.


Damn it! I went left.

I don’t think my brain needs 'crazy pills' to rescue itself. My mind is just tilted in odd directions, and that can’t be a mistake. It has become a part of who I am. But after time running up and down stairs can wear down even the toughest, leading the person to consider suicide. That’s where I use to go. Now when it becomes too much, I run into the lions den, which might not be a real good idea, but it works. The chemical shift in my brain occurs, and I once again return to ‘normal’. Sometimes I pay a high price for my ‘stupidity’, but if death was the alternative, which would you choose?

Someone once told me that I enjoyed having others think about me, that’s why I repeatedly drive past law enforcement. A part of me does... it’s the tiny, squeaky little voice wondering around that loves to giggle at the thought that she’s manipulating them into wondering what the fuck she’s up too. Then there are other  parts of my brain that shouts at me, asking me what the fuck am I doing?  The OCD part of me tells me if  I don‘t, something seriously bad will happen later.

I’ve tried on many occasions to convince myself that nothing bad would happen if I got near law enforcement. I wasn’t going to stab them, I wasn’t going to attempt to choke, I wasn’t going to pull out a weapon and shoot them, and in return... If I got near them, they wouldn’t  attempt to stab, choke, or shoot me. But I have a hard time trying to convince my mind of this reality when I am near them. Sometimes when I know they are in some store, I will go into the store for the sole purpose of trying to persuade myself that nothing bad is going to happen.

People just don’t realize how hard it really is to be me. It is exhausting trying to following the right voice, and not the wrong one. Sometimes a part of me is willing to do anything to return to some state of normal, even if it means driving around the police department 20 times, or doing some other random stupid act that leads to their intervention. If I didn’t do it, I would have probably already taken someone’s life, or at least my mind has me convinced that is what will happen.

I might have went too far this time, which could lead to serious consequences if everything continues to go left. But it has re-sifted my mind enough that I slept for 9 solid hours of sleep last night. I’m thinking differently now, and things that were previously unclear are now in focus. My brain has temporally corrected itself without the use of medication.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Tried to Write....but this is all I could do.

I let the anger boil until it was overflowing, spilling out in a violent rush as I stood in line, sizing him up. I could take him.


I’ve been trying to do other activities that keep me from thinking as much, like painting. Problem is painting is not a good thing to do when you are angry, and I really tend to think too much, which is not a good thing right now. I’ve got to get away from everybody and everything for a little while. Some type of distraction... Anybody got any good ideas? Any idea has got to better than the ideas that are running around in my head right now.

I want to go right, not left, but I can’t figure out which direction is right.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Blogging

First of all, let me thank everyone who has joined my site recently. Normally I would visit your blog the day you joined mine, but I decided to take a short break from my blogging addiction/therapy. I promise I will soon visit your blogs, and get caught up on many of the other blogs I follow.

Taking a break from blogging has allowed other doors to open, but it has also allowed some of my other addictions to thrive. I want to post about what's going on, but I have fears that law enforcement still occasionally check in on my blog, so I have to be careful what I say anymore. I'm good at keeping secrets. It'll be another thing that I hide behind the black curtain in my mind.

I first started blogging with hope that it would somehow let other people understand why I... do the things I do. Deep down I think everybody has the need to feel understood. To be able to explain why and have others understand. Another reason I started blogging was to halt some of my own actions, and not let all the voices in my head frolic around in their own direction. It's like a circus in my head right now with thoughts jumping through hoops of fire, while others hang tediously by a thin rope high in the air.

I'll never see normal. This is as normal as I'll ever be. Forever dealing with psycho thoughts. But I REFUSE, even under a court order to take medication that only dulls my mind and allows me feel.... nothing.

I go to court Thursday morning for my illegal passing. I've managed to save the $169 and paid the fine earlier today, but I still have to appear before the judge. I've made it through the 3 months probation without getting another ticket, but what the judge doesn't understand is, that's normal for me. I will sometimes go long periods of time without an encounter with law enforcement, but a shift in my brain chemicals will quickly send me right back out at 1am driving around in my circles, or recklessly driving a little too fast in the afternoon. I still don't think the police have figured out why I have to drive past them 4 times if I see them standing outside their cars...lol. Gotta love OCD.

Thanks everyone for visiting my blog. I look forward to reading yours. Have a wonderful day.

Funny thought for the day... If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey... Would I be stoned off my ass? Hhmmm?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Stay Tuned...

Going to find the part of me that hasn’t giving up and try to convince the part of me that has giving up, that it will be alright.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Therapy cost... This is free.

I began writing when I was only 9 years old. It was always a way for me to escape to another place that was more pleasant than the reality around me. But even my writing back then showed the pain I was living through daily. I never wrote about seeing a double rainbow, about walking through a fragrant field of flowers,or any other type of happy thoughts. When happy thoughts occur, I never felt the need to express myself like I do when the 'dark' thoughts surface. So, forgive me if this blog is sometimes quite depressing, but that is partly what this blog is for.

Today I spent a little time reading some of the poems and other writing that I have accumulated over the years. Mostly because recently I've felt like giving up writing, because I have no belief in my writing abilities. I want to recapture that feeling I felt years ago when I truly believed that one day I would be a writer. I feel like I've lost that, and I want it back.

Here's a short poem I wrote when I was 12 years old. I remember being so excited when I had finished writing and re-writing the lines until I felt it was perfect. Of course it was never going to be perfect, but the satisfaction I felt when it was complete is what I want to feel once again.

The Little Doll

She sits alone on the bottom shelf
With rosy pink cheeks and curly blond hair.

Then nasty big hands picked her up
And only violent games did they play.

Twisting and pulling,
Body parts are easy to break.

But it doesn’t hurt,
Because dolls can’t cry.

They only suffer in silence
And die a little inside.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The time I kill is killing me

The time I normal would spend with my older son, is now my time. And to be honest I don’t really want it. I already have enough empty time on my hands. I miss the special early morning bonding with him when he was only a year old and it was just him and me. ....gotta take a break. Sorry I was having several flashbacks to some special moments we have shared over the years. Damn it sounds like he died or something, or moved a thousand miles away, but he hasn’t. He moved in with some friends that live less than a mile from here. I miss him, but I know he’s growing up and wanting to have a life of his own. Still, I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.

There is where my problem lies. With time. It has passed too quickly. He was conceived in November 1988. That was such a long time ago, but it still feels like a few blinks of my eye. I notice time too much now. Each night I go to lay down and as my head hits the pillow I think to myself, “wasn’t I doing this just a few minutes ago?” I need to find something that will make my days feel more memorable. I miss the excitement of new things. It’s not like when I was in my teens and twenties where everyday brought the possibility of something new. Now at 43, I feel like........ There’s nothing for me to do.

Tonight I sit here alone, with a clean house and nothing to do with my time but play games on face book. There’s no yelling at the boys to behave or that’s it’s time for bed...etc. Readjusting to life without them both there is hard. At one point in my life, I truly looked forward to my years when I would no longer have to pick up their dirty socks from the floor, yell at them to pick up their rooms, or to get their chores done. Now that time has arrived, and wish I could go back and do it all over again.

My younger sons 17th birthday was on Monday the 12th but we celebrated it on Saturday the 10th. It gave me a reason to call my older son and have him stop by. It allowed us to have a talk, and I let him know that I was still there if he needed anything. Since then he has stopped by a couple times and picked up his mattress, bedding, more clothing, food, and of course I gave him several boxes of dishes that I had brought last year just for him. Back then when I bought the stuff, I knew this day was coming, but it’s almost like a sudden death in the family... You don’t quite know how to react until it happens.

My moods have been rapidly running up and down hills and through valleys, and frequently getting lost in the woods. There have been recent days when thoughts of death are my constant companion. Then I take a breath and remember, I still have time to put in with my 17-year-old, and that alone is what allows me to see streaks of sunlight peeking through the trees and warming my face.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

FUCK!!

I'm in need of a distraction.

I just wish it would rain so I could go walk out in it and let it pour over my face.

Time is free, but it's Priceless

Today has been a long day, and I should be in bed staring at the back of my eyelids, but instead I‘m thinking too much again. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I was thinking about court and about my older son moving out. I finally made it asleep around 5am only to be woke up at 8:30am by my younger son because the person he was riding with ran out of gas and needed my help. By the time I got them off to school I figured I might as well stay awake and get some shopping done.

Problem was I couldn’t concentrate long enough to remember everything I was needing to pick up. So after an hour of wondering around lost in Wal-Mart, I gave up and instead visited Morris park. It gave me time to think about what I wanted to do with my court and what I wanted to say to my older son.

After 2 hours of walking around looking at nature and taking a few pictures, the decision about court was quickly settled. I would be broke, but the fine would be paid in full and more importantly I wouldn’t have to appear in court. I drove to city hall as I continued thinking about my older son moving out.

He’s 19 years old, turns 20 in August, but I still worry so much about him. I want him to succeed where I failed. I’ve given up a lot of things to make sure he had a good chance. Now I don’t know if I did enough. I fully understand him wanting to be out on his own, but I also fear him screwing it up and I have to be the one to bail him out again.

That’s not what’s bothering me right now.... I figure if he fucks up, oh well, he will learn, experience is the best teacher. My problem is ..... Letting him go. There are tears now. He was my baby. My first born. His presences forever altered my life. He was my reason I got out of bed every morning just so I could see his beautiful smile.

Now he’s a grown man wanting to have a life of his own. I knew the day was coming, I just didn’t think it would be so soon. It just hit me hard a couple hours ago when I was moving some of his things to another room. I stared at his baby pictures hanging on the wall, the picture of his cute little smile he had on his face one year when he convinced me to buy him a baby duck, all the years of football pictures, and then there sat his senior picture... I broke into tears. My little man has grown up. Time has passed too quickly.

I think I need to get some sleep now.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Second Chance

I screwed up again. At least it wasn’t a negative thing this time. I thought my court date was on the 6th   which is what the court clerk told me when I called her to change the date last month, but when I drove by the police department there wasn’t anyone there. I was a little early, but not so early that no one else would be there. I thought Tuesday night was a odd night for court, but I found the paper where I had wrote down the 6th.  I either wrote it down wrong or the court clerk gave me the wrong date.

City hall was still open, so I drove there to see how much the fine was and maybe just pay the ticket. The fine was $199 which was a little more than I had on me, and I found out the court date wasn’t until Thursday.  Now I just need to come up with a little more money in two days and avoid going to court.  Anyone care to donate?...lol.






Storms are moving in, so I'm going to get off here for the night.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Starting New

I have court tomorrow, and I still haven't told the people around me the truth about what I'm really going to court for. So stress is really impeding my thinking process. Not only do I have court, but I'm also dealing with my 19 year old thinking about quitting Spartan College and wanting to move out to live with friends. I also find out through the grapevine that my sisters house burned down to the ground two weeks ago. My first thought when I found out was why didn't she call and let me know? Am I hated that much by my own family?

I want to write more on this, but I'm having a hard time putting words together. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, too much stress worrying about the outcome of my court, or wondering why I'm still hated by my family. 

I hope everything goes smooth with the court, but sometimes I never know what's going to happen. I keep telling myself that this will be the last time I go to court, but then my reckless mind takes me to other places.

But maybe it's time to start new again. My sister is going to have to start new, my 19-year-old is about to start his new life, so maybe this is the time for me to start with a new promise to stay away from my reckless behavior. It can't hurt, and all I can do is try.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Friday, April 02, 2010

I Yearn for a Sense of Purpose That Will Define My Place in This World

Several years ago I read a short story similar to the one below, but it had a different, happier ending. I don't recall how it was exactly written, so I'm going to write my version...


My  life..

Chapter 1

I’m walking down the street minding my own business.
I don’t see the deep hole in sidewalk.
I fall in.
I can’t see any light around me.
I feel helpless, stupid, worthless.
Everything is my fault.
It takes years to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I’m walking down the same street.
There is that deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I hit bottom, but this time
I’m standing in 2 feet of mud.
I feel so stupid,
I can’t believe I’m in the same place again.
It’s all my fault.
It takes a long time to dig my way out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is that deep hole in the sidewalk again.
I see it has gotten bigger.
I easily fall in,
It seemed like the safe thing to do.
I can’t see anything.
Others are needed to help me out this time.
The fault lies inside me.

Chapter 4

I walk down that same street.
I immediately see the increasing larger hole in the sidewalk.
I try to step around it,
But it pulls me in
until I’m laying face down in the mud at the bottom.
I don’t know how to find my way out.
I have learned nothing.
It’s years before I’m able to wash all the mud off.

Chapter 5

I still haven’t figured out how to walk down another street.


----------------------------
Originally chapter 5 took the person down a different road. But I got lost on my way trying to find another road. I need to find the happy ending in chapter 5... That's the hard part.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Still Awake

Listening to YouTube Videos... hehe..
Comrads... Homeboyz

Potential Victims

Operating on 3 hours of sleep and still going out again tomorrow.

Potential Victims


I think I'm going to scope out the neighbors house...hehe. Let's see if we can have a little fun...hehe.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mind Hating Self --- Anybody Got a Really Big Shovel They Can Loan Me?

I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to dig my way out of this gigantic hole I’ve dug for myself at some unknown location, where no one is able to locate me. Not sure if I want to be found right now anyway, but I’ve been here for a couple weeks and if I don’t start looking for a way out, I might be lost for a long time.

My impulsive actions sent me out late back on the 4th, wondering around in my circles again, which led to another stop for doing a u-turn. It wasn’t illegal, just caught law enforcements eyes at almost 1am. It was an officer that I hadn’t had contact with, anyway I didn’t recognize his face and I don’t think he knew me. I handed over my insurance and ID, then he went back to his car to checked me out in the system. When he returned, I could tell by his actions, that he was informed to who I was. He gave me back my insurance and ID, then asked me a couple questions. The one that stayed in my mind was when he asked if I was okay. I should have been honest and said no, I’m not okay right now. But I know what that would mean. A trip to the psych ward. So I lied, and drove away without breathing, and without a ticket.

Friday the 5th was even worse. Anger was raging deep inside me for no known reason. The universe felt foreign, and I wasn’t willing to be a part of anything the world was offering. I was hating everybody and everything they were doing. Little things annoyed the hell out of me as I tried to complete a forgotten task. And when I stopped to think about it all, it caused me to have those uncomfortable palpitation in my heart that often lead me down the wrong roads in my attempt to quash my tedious and trying dark thoughts.

My windows were up as I drove along Highway 117 playing Knockin Doors Down at full volume. No luck. The voices just screamed at each other a little louder in my head.

My body began feeling like it was being squeezed by some giant hand reaching out and wrapping its fingers around my entire body. I couldn’t breathe, and the need to escape overtook my mind after I had drove several slow miles blocked behind a couple cars. As my thoughts raced non-stop, impulse control was thrown out the window and without thought or care, I drove wildly into the center turning lane in my attempt to escape whatever it was that I was convinced was after me. Reality was gone.

After breaking free from my enclosure, I felt a brief sense of relief, but that would be short-lived. Again the story of my life... I wasn’t paying attention, but THEY were. Damn those unmarked black cop cars! He caught up with me about 3 miles later.

I quickly pulled over as a few hundred thoughts ran rapidly across my forehead. I reached out and grabbed one thought as the officer tapped on my window. I didn’t want to try and explain it to the officer that if I didn’t do what I did, the world might have exploded. Anyway that’s what my mind had convinced me was going to happen if I didn’t pass the two idiot drivers in the center lane, and then sped off at double the speed limit.

Instead, I lied and told him I was a diabetic and my blood sugar was low. It might have been, I hadn’t eaten anything that day. But I also know when I get stressed, like being stopped, my blood sugar will spike real high. So even if it was low before he stopped me, it had to be somewhere around 180 after the stop.

At least the officer was polite, even after he ran my record and let me know, as if I didn’t already know, that I have a very extensive driving record. I’ll be lucky as hell if I don’t lose my drivers license again.

FUCK! This time I got a ticket for illegal passing. The officer said he knew I was speeding but he wasn’t going to give me a ticket for that since he said he didn’t actually catch me speeding. Then came the serious question again, ‘Are you okay?’ Two days in a row, two different officers asking the same question. Again I lie. I convince myself that these feelings, mood swings, whatever you want to call it, will pass... I just have to ride out the storm. I just hope they make a towel big enough to dry myself off when its all over.

I have court on March 22 for this charge and April something for the speeding ticket I got last month....again FUCK! The two tickets total over $500 dollars, plus the time I have to spend going to these damn things because I can’t come up with that much money unless I commit a crime.

The next day, I crashed hard. I’ve been down since with no motivation to do anything. My psychological inertia is now preventing me from doing anything constructive to help me elevate my mood. I’m lost. I don’t want to move, think, write or participate in life. I haven’t done any writing in weeks. The thoughts are just blank.

DEEP Breath!

This is step one again...
I made myself move a few hours ago, then I started thinking, and now I’m writing. Maybe tomorrow I’ll participate in life.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

When my life flashes before my eyes, will it be worth watching?

F   U   C   K !

I fucking hate my 
borderline personality disorder!!!


Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sitting In The Dark Getting Buzzed

Two roads split in the woods,
  I took the one less traveled by others, 
Now I’m wondering where the hell am I?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I remember as a teen I once tried to explain to an officer ‘what my problem was’, but I couldn’t put into words the chaos that was driving around in circles in my mind. I’m still not sure I can explain it to people who have never experienced intrusive thoughts. It’s similar to being in a room full of people, each one with their own thoughts and ideas, right or wrong, speaking rapidly, and I have to decide which voice I obey.

My latest thoughts involved the death of many people. One by one, going door to door, leaving no one standing until the entire block is clear. I see the images, the blood, the look of shock on their faces, puzzlement, wondering why. Don’t ask me, I still don’t know why. It just has to be done.

I’m a weak person, so many times I listen to the wrong voice. Tell me what I’m living for.

When the thoughts become louder than usual, I have to get out. This is when I spend most of my time driving around in my circles, playing music loud enough to drown out all the noise in my head. People sometimes look at me crazy when I pull up next to them and my music is vibrating their car windows. But I don’t care what they think, it’s the only way to drown out all the other voices.

At least I’ve figured out an early warning signal that I get right before I’m about to experience violent intrusive thoughts. It can happen anywhere or at anytime, depending on the odors around me, but certain things that I smell impact my thought process. The stronger the odor the stronger my response. Sometimes it can be pleasant at first, like when I was shopping at Wal-Mart the other day, I walked past this average looking guy who had on some wonderful smelling cologne, which set off my intrusive thoughts. The next thing I realize, I’m stalking this guy just to smell him, and I’m dreaming about having sex with him. Then suddenly my mind shifts and I go from wanting to have sex with him, to wanting to take his life slowly. My mind then fears that I might suddenly act out some sexually inappropriate behavior right there in the middle of the floor in Wal-Mart, so I have to quickly get away from him.

Then there are the times when I smell something that isn’t pleasant, like the exhaust from my car sitting in the garage. My mind will sometimes tell me to just sit there with the engine running, without opening the garage door, and just let things happen. First though I might go out and smash my car into as many things as I can, and then come home and close the garage tightly down around me.


This is mostly why I smoke weed. It shuts up all those stupid ass voices floating around in head.
----------------------------------------------

Below is a link to a site I think I've posted before, but it explains what violent intrusive thoughts are and how treatment might work for people looking for a solution.
Violent Obsessions Killer Thoughts

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Keeping me sane...

My post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxiety is in full swing right now. But I shouldn’t bitch because I did it to myself when I got bored and began reading stories about children being abused.  When I read about or see stories about child abuse or sexual abuse, my heart rate increases rapidly and nausea will follow. I then have to swiftly re-arrange my thoughts to stop myself from doing something stupid. If I can’t do it for myself, I’ll do it for them.

I thought about suicide so frequently today that it became my obsession. I repeatedly thought about all the possible ways to die, and the easiest method to achieve this goal. One of my hidden personalities who is the responsible, level headed one, stepped forth in my moment of severe distress and prevented me from taking my life. But the one that scares me the most, is the personality that shows no fear. She knows that we can’t take our own life, but she can force others to do it for her. This war is a non-stop battle in my mind, and sometimes I feel like surrendering to the wrong side. Having children is the only thing that has prevented me from crossing that line.  

I’ve been trying to do the right things like exercise, eat right, get a good night’s sleep, get out in the world and be more social, stop all the negative thinking, and do more things that I enjoy. But, it’s tough to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like, ‘what’s the point’. I’m not making a difference in this world, I’m not a productive member of society, I’ve been to prison, I’ve broken many laws, etc. I could list a hundred negative things about myself. But, all they have to do is smile and I remember what I’m here for.

What I dislike most about myself is that I’m not very intelligent. Compared to some I might be, but I feel way below average. And I hate that about myself. I’m not sure who is to blame, probably me, or it could have been the fact that it was impossible to concentrate in school when I was always thinking about what was going to secretly take place at home later. Maybe I can place the blame on the hours of lost sleep due to the unbearably cold room that I slept in while growing up, or the hole in the roof near the foot of my bed that leaked large buckets of water every time it rained, or maybe it was because I always feared that one day my father would snap and kill everyone in the house. FUCK! Maybe it was because I was thinking about my brothers being in the hospital after they were shot. I didn’t have fucking time or room in my head to think about what was being taught. If I did think about school work, I did only long enough to memorize what was on the test, pass it, and then I would forget. They will never have to deal with this kind of stress.

I wanted so much to go to college after high school, but there was no way for me to achieve that goal. Once I let go of that dream, all hope was lost and arrest, jail, prison, mental hospitals, drug rehabs, all soon followed. By the time I finally got my life in some sort of order and was ready to commit to going back to school, I got pregnant. All plans to further my education again came to a halt. For the past 20 years I have focused on making sure my boys have all the opportunities to better their lives in a way that I never had. I’m sure I still have a few more years to go, but what will I do when they are not there to keep me sane?

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Decompensation and Mental Illness

I didn’t get but a couple of hours of interrupted sleep last night. My thoughts just wouldn’t lay down and relax with the rest of my body.  I hate days like this.

My thoughts are drifting towards wanting to cut just for the soul purpose of achieving a forced chemical reaction in my brain. But I can’t because I have to go to court in a few hours for the dog ticket. ... You could just wear long sleeves. Nobody would notice since it‘s wintertime. ...  SHUT UP! I don’t want another scar. FUCK! I’m past forty years old, I’m not some young stressed out teen that doesn’t know a thing about life.

I attempted to send my focus elsewhere early this morning by checking out some of the links that people come from when they visit my site. One person linked back to my site quoting parts of my very first post....

“Antisocial personality with intermittent psychotic decompensation.”

They then wrote the following on their site...

“Decompensation or episodes of deterioration are quite common with mental illness. Decompensation means that when a person is stressed out, they withdraw from the situation. Decompensation and mental illness go hand in hand. In decompensation, the person loses control even when they are trying to be on their best behavior. The signs and symptoms of mental illness then keep them from working and they end up having repeated episodes. They show less fear of punishment, and seem to need to do things that excite their nervous system, such as thrill-seeking behaviors.”

Guess whoever this person is, they are using me as an example. It does describe me well, but I won’t follow their suggestion.... Medication and therapy. I refused to take anti-psychotic pills and I don’t have the money for therapy. Besides this is my therapy. It’s worked so far. I’ve been on here for a little over 4 years now and I haven’t killed anyone or myself. I still think about doing so quite frequently, but as long as I continue to seek out other alternatives that excite my nervous system, no one’s life will end today by my hands. Unless of course some jackass at court pushes my wrong damn button.  

Monday, February 08, 2010

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional

There are moments when my mind misses a few beats, and days pass without remembering the events. I find myself in mid-step or mid-breath, feeling as if being delivered abruptly into my body after a long absence. Spent where, I couldn’t really say, it’s sorta like being in a long, dreamless sleep. I had one of those days today. Bad weather or not, I forced myself out into the world for a walk to restore my self and maybe find a little .... something.... I just don’t know what it is yet.


Let’s free the mind with a little nonsense writing, even if it will only make sense to some.


My Crazy Day

This morning when I first stumbled out of bed, I stubbed my big toe on the edge of the bed, which sent waves of unpleasant sensations throughout my already aching body. Blood immediately pooled under the nail, and then oozed out the corners onto the carpet. It was only a small dose of what my day would entail.

I sat in my dark bedroom, drinking my morning obese cup of French vanilla coffee, listening to Headline Morning News as I nursed my aching big toe, when the power suddenly went out. It was another random blackout that had been occurring daily for the past couple weeks. I cursed loudly as I blindly finished wrapping a large Band-Aid over the top of my toe, and then I carefully slip on my shoes. As I stood to feel myself along, the sound of the TV return and I could feel the fan blowing again, but I could see anything. The power was all back on, but I was partly blind, able to only see outlines of harsh images.

I experienced this moment of raw terror, and I felt around for the phone. I was feeling an overwhelming need to call work and let them know I would be late. Only, I couldn't remember the number. And, even if I could, I didn’t think I could remember the layout of the numbers on the keypad.

Fear of losing my job overtook my mind, because we all know what happens to people who lose their jobs, so I didn't hesitate. Fortunately, my purse and keys were near the front door, so I able to easily locate them. I then stumbled out my apartment door. I felt along the railing until I came to the stairwell and eased myself down along each step.

I was down about 8 steps when suddenly this thing slammed me up against the wall and licks me across the face. I open my mouth wide as I let out a loud ear piercing scream, and it jams its tongue right into my mouth. Gagging for air, I bite fiercely down on the tongue and feel metal with my teeth. My thoughts run to whatever this is, it was into body piercing.

I fight hard to free myself from this things painful clutches. The pain was mixing with the throbbing of my big toe, making my head spin. It’s nails penetrated my flesh as it held me firmly in place. It reeked of rotting meat, making me feel ill. Then, abruptly it jammed it’s tongue into my right ear and held me firmly in place. I could hear a weird noise in my right ear as if someone was playing a tiny drum set in a sewer pipe. Next, I heard what sounded like someone shooting a gun nearby, and the thing let me go.

I stood back and shook my head, and that was when my eyesight returned. I looked around and saw no one or anything, and decided to go onto work. I made it in the front door just in time to see the boss standing near the time clock. I casually stroll his direction, and he eyeballs me in a strange way. I freeze, expecting him to say something, but he makes a grunting sound and walks back to his office.

I clock in and then go to my cubicle and sit down in the overly stuffed office chair. It feels foreign, or unreal like. I look around and notice I don’t recognize anything or anybody. I can’t shake the feeling and quickly make a beeline to the bathroom. I see myself in the mirror and I look horrible. The front of my white blouse was spotted with blood as if I had fallen on a bed of needles. A gel like substance oozed from my right ear, dead leaves were stuck to my shirt, and other various small pieces of debris was stuff into my hair.

I cleaned myself the best I could, and then returned to my corner. I couldn’t believe the boss didn’t say anything. I work my way through lunch without a break, and then stayed a little past five until everyone had left for the day. By the time I was ready to go home, my right ear finally stopped hurting, and the gel substance stopped flowing from inside.

So, as you see it’s been a fairly normal day, apart from the vomiting fit which kicked in just after I got home. I spent half an hour vomiting up blood, and once again, there were those little white spiders mixed in that run around in circles shouting the words crazy. The right side of my face is now numb, and I can still feel a couple of the critters crawling around somewhere behind my eyes. I think they are painting something hateful. It's really annoying as hell,and it's driving me crazy.

Except that I won't go crazy. That's one thing that's become plain. Nobody goes crazy. They just are or aren’t. Stone cold sanity. That's what we endure.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

In Need of a Distraction

All my life I’ve had to deal with depression or some other disorder of the mind. I’ll be the first to admit there are days when I feel like death would be a better option. Then there are the days when everything is beautiful and I just have to giggle at the world we live in. Those are the days that I reach out for, grab onto and put in my pocket for later.

When my mind set turns dark, and I just can’t seem to force myself out into the sunlight, I look for other distractions such as cleaning long ago forgotten corners of my house. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve lived in one house for any extended amount of time, you never know what you might find in your quest to clean out clutter. Such as a missing sock that you were sure the washer or dryer ate or carried away to another land never to be seen again.

Over the years I’ve discovered when I have my first thought of suicide, that very first moment of thought when my world feels dark, if I will instead seek out some sort of distraction, a little sunlight can shine through the tiny holes in the foil that covers my windows.

I believe each person has their own reason to feel like giving up on some days, and each person has to discover their own distraction that works for them. If you’ve read much of my blog you will see where I have tried numerous options. Some traditional, like going for a walk, while others options that I have chosen over the years maybe be extreme for most., such as my ‘stalking’ of police. The point is you have to find what works for you. Even if it is as simple as taking a walk, going to see a movie, reading a book, re-arranging a room for just the right look, cleaning, or relieving your mind through writing. Find what works for you, but don’t stop trying.

A really good one is meeting new people and finding out what’s going on in their lives. This sometimes helps me see my own life a little clearer. My problem is sometimes my disorders kick in and I can’t force myself outside to meet the sunlight, let alone another human being. On these days, I turn to my computer. I secretly read about what others have wondering around in their minds, but if I’m feeling really bold, I sign up at some site or forum and be someone I’m not. Someone I would maybe like to be. No one but me has to know the truth. One day maybe I’ll return to these sites as the real me and thank them for keeping me distracted enough to live my life one more day.

Recently I came across a really great site. There are a bunch of great normal guys that hang out there and talk about coin collecting and whatever else their mind concocts. It’s a wonderful place for a good giggle or two, and you might find this distraction to be just what your mind needed. If you ever feel the need to hide out somewhere and make a few new online friends go visit:

Open Forum Refuge

Tell them MsPsycho said hello. You never know, I might be hanging out there myself.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Son-of-Bitch! I Got a Speeding Ticket

Son-of-bitch! I got a damn speeding ticket for doing 50mph in a 25mph zone while driving past the police department. I was on my way to the school to pay money on my son’s lunch account on Thursday, when suddenly the extreme urge to relieve the 4 cups of coffee and 2 diet cokes I had consumed since 9am that morning washed over my body. It brought out the little nine year old girl in me that stands there jumping up and down holding her hands between her legs trying to prevent herself from peeing everywhere.

I pushed the gas pedal down a little faster, and at some point I’m not really watching my speed any longer. My brain is repeating the words, ‘you need to pee‘, ’you need to pee’, then my mind flashes again on a little girl bouncing up and down, squeezing her legs together. I turn the corner with a half pause and roll on quickly past the school.

I look up and notice lights in my rearview mirror. My mind runs full throttle trying to figure out where the hell he came from. The need to urinate was ruling my thoughts enough that I guess I just didn’t look in my rearview mirror. My reaction was to quickly pull over, because at first I thought the officer was on a call and I just needed to move out of his way so I could circle back around to my house. Wrong!

He whips in behind me, and my heart races when I realize he is stopping me. For what I didn’t quite know yet, but I knew it was going to be for something that was later going to cost me a lot of money and time. He told me I was doing 55mph in a 25mph zone. Wow! Really wasn’t paying much attention. Then he ask if there was a reason I was going so fast. I didn’t lie. I told him I had to pee really bad, and then I began bouncing up and down again like that nine year old girl.

I don’t know the officers name, but at least he was pleasant and wrote me out the ticket quickly. Maybe it’s because they all know I’m a teeny bit psycho, and they would rather not stir up any problems. Who knows... When I think about it now, all I can see is that hidden grin they all have when I look them in the face. Maybe its the sex stories....hehe.

Anyway, now I have to figure out how to come up with the money to pay this damn ticket and the dog ticket. Looks like I’ll be doing a lot of dick sucking for awhile, or else I’ll have to call thief out of hiding and let her take control for a brief period of time. Shit!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm Going to Commit Murder!

All my life I’ve had a dog of some sort. Most all of them have been mixed breed dogs that someone was wanting to give away, and me being the nice person that I am, I gladly take the dog into my home. I provided everything I possible could to make their lives, and mine, enjoyable. I also like having a pet around for protection and entertainment.

After my boys reached a certain age they of course wanted a dog, and again I gladly gave into their adorable little 5 year old smiles. But then something would happen, like the dog running away, it gets hit by a car, or someone steals it, etc...Then there have been a few dogs that have crossed my path, that have caused a part of me to loathe dogs on the most extreme level. That is where MsPsycho took over and did what had to be done.

Okay, so let me step aside, and I’ll let MsPsycho’s invade your world for a few minutes. Warning MsPsycho tends to use profanities quite frequently, so if you are offended by someone using vulgar language, I suggest you read no further.


I can’t fucking stand dogs! And I’m going to tell you why! First of all, they stink! No matter how often, or what type of dog shampoo you use, in the end they all still smell like something crawled onto their bodies and died. Next, dog hair everywhere! It’s on my floors, carpet, rubbed against the side of my sofa (since I don’t fucking allow them on the couch), all over the bathroom where they’ve been giving a bath, and sometimes I even find the shit on my kitchen countertops! Guess who has to clean all this shit up! ME! It doesn’t just magically disappear on its own!

Allergies! I hate sneezing all the liquid out my nose after they’ve been in the house rolling around on my carpet. Then I can’t breathe right until I’ve taken some type of pill that is more than likely going to leave me feeling ‘not quite right’ for the next few hours.

So, you say just leave them outside... Right? Wrong! Outside all they do is bark when the wind blows a little too hard! Then they start digging at the ground and the fence trying to get at whatever they are barking at. Eventually they make it out on a day when nobody is at home, and I get a fine for DOG BEING AT LARGE. There goes a fucking $100 dollars and time spent in court!

After their little escape to freedom, I get both Labs back inside my privacy fence, and almost pass out from the horrendous smell that is now on my hands from touching them. I know they’ve been doing that upside down back rub across some animal that has been laying dead in the street for days. Maybe that makes them feel special when they do that? Fucking stinks to me bitch!

I give them food and water, and then proceed for the billionth time to replace the broken boards to the back fence. There goes money for food, new boards and nails for the fence, dog shampoo for the bath, water to wash them both, carpet cleaner and carpet shampoo to get rid of the smell they brought back with them that lingers like a huge TURD that just won’t flush. And I still have to pay the fucking court ticket!

Oh, and don’t forget about all the time this is consuming!

Since I have a male and female, I have had to deal with puppies. Which is fun to a certain point, but even that becomes a pain in the ass when the puppies reach a certain age and you have to find homes for all of them. To make sure this doesn’t happen again, I have to come up with money to have my dog spayed. She comes in heat two days before the surgery, and I have to make sure - Mr my dick is so hard that I’m going to fucking die if I don’t get to fuck that female bitch,- my male dog doesn’t get her pregnant before I have a chance to get her fixed.

TWO days of him howling to get inside. I throw water on his face, smack him with a broom handle, threaten him with my voice, etc.. NOTHING WORKS! I’m thinking about a shock collar, but is that too cruel? At this point, I don’t give a damn.

Finally the day of surgery. After only a couple hours of sleep, I get up at 5:30am, get dressed, load the dog into my car, and drive to a clinic on the other side of Tulsa to drop her off at 7am. I’m told it won’t be until around 4 or 5pm before she will be ready to go home, so I spend the day out picking up a few Christmas leftovers in Sand Springs. (I don’t live in Sand Springs, but I love stalking a few people over there.)

Around 2pm, I return to the house. I go into psycho mode the moment I walk in the door and see what my male lab has done to my backdoor. He has spent the entire day chewing and gnawing at the solid wood door until he had managed to make a hole large enough for him to squeeze his 90+ pound body under the door. When he sees me, he knows he’s in trouble, and immediately goes to his doghouse and lays down inside with only a part of his face sticking out to look around.

The temperature that day was below freezing, and inside my house the heater was blowing full blast, but it had little effect on the temperature of the room. I left my jacket on and found what I could to block the cold air from turning my fingertips blue. I made a quick dash to the lumber store and brought a large piece of metal to cover the opening, and then went to pick up my female lab who had come through surgery okay.

After making the needed repairs that evening, I laid down for some much need rest, leaving my male dog outside and the female inside for one week. Since she is still in heat, I have to keep the two dogs separated so he doesn’t cause her serious injury after the surgery. The next morning I was awaken by the sound of my female lab barking loudly in the other room. I jump up quickly thinking she may need to use the bathroom, and walk into the front room. There stands my male dog! He has cuts all over his face and paws where he dug, bit, pawed at the metal on the door until he was able to rip it open. Just to get to the PUSSY!

Another trip to Sutherlands! This time for more metal, new boards, screws, etc.. To complete the job. It was that, or spend a hundred dollars for a brand new door, and hope like hell I could put it up by myself. God only fucking knows, NOBODY else but me, is going to fucking fix the goddamn thing!

I chain my male lab up outside near his doghouse, and have to listen to him howl like someone is beating him with a hammer for the next five days! I want to end this dogs life! I have had NO restful sleep! Sleep a minute, listen to him howl, yell at him to shut up and go lay down. Sleep for two minutes, howling begins again. Let him howl until I’m sure the neighbors will soon be complaining. Fuck them! I’m complaining! I get up and toss a glass of water in his face and tell him again to be quiet. Nothing works!

I’m so exhausted I’m beginning to have some more than usually fucked up thoughts tossing around in my brain. If I don’t get some god damn sleep soon, I don’t think I’m going to be able to hold back my impulses. FIVE DAYS of this bullshit! I want to end this mother fuckers life with my bare hands.

And I would if it were up to me, but the owner of this body might really be upset if I were to do something psycho that caused her to do jail time. So, for now I will retreat back behind the black curtains until I’m needed again.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

HOW FAR WILL SHE GO?

Tayla ties the laces on her running shoes, and then jumps to her feet with a quick bounce. She has been training for months, getting into the best shape of her life, because she knows all eyes will be on her. She stares at her own reflection in the full length mirror and has doubts, but only briefly. Her glaring stare pushes her into side leg stretches, holding each one to the point of feeling pain. She then bounces up and down, stretching her shapely calf muscles as she pushes against the wall. She continues her routine by stretching her arms above her head, and rotating her neck until the bones inside sound off with a low crackle.

Standing in her loose fitting white tee-shirt and sweatpants, in the middle of the room she does several jumping jacks in a row until a bead of sweat forms on her forehead. She doesn’t want to her make-up to sweat off so she chooses not to exert herself any further. The urge to show off evaporates, and Tayla forms a plan in her head.

She looks again into the mirror and daps the sweat away with a white kitchen hand towel. She re-powders her face and applies a new layer of lipstick as she checks her hair. Suddenly, her lavender crisp lips spew out the most vulgar words, “Asshole! Bastard! Cocksucker! Pig! Fuck you! Die you son-of-bitch!”

The more words she shouts out loud, the more pumped up she becomes, until she is shouting so loud her voice begins to crack. She is ready. A long ago forgotten song plays in the background, matching her confident stride as she heads out the front door of her small apartment building.

The sunlight shines brightly in the mid-day afternoon, but a light breeze keeps it from being overly warm. In the background the music grows louder. Tayla’s old warn out green 1990 Bonneville sits near the curb with a parking ticket tucked under the windshield wiper. The playing music comes to a screeching halt.

She grabs the ticket and sits down in the drivers seat. She leans over and opens the glove box to shove the ticket inside with all the others. The music begins playing again with a loud pumping bass. She drives just a few blocks and pulls over in front of several businesses when she spots a tall, thin dark haired police officer filling out a parking ticket for some other helpless victim.

Tayla steps out the old car, shoving the door hard so that it shut correctly, and struts towards the officer.

The tall, dark haired officer slaps the ticket under the strangers windshield, letting it snap loudly back in place. The music fades to a low hum.

With a big smile on her face, Tayla extends her index finger and pokes the officer in the middle of his back, causing him to quickly turn around.

“Fucking bastard!” Tayla shouts looking him squarely in the face.

The officers eyes open wide as he turns to look at the tall blond, blue eyed woman. His eyebrows lower, “What did you say?”

“Cocksucker!” Tayla shouts loudly, and then smacks the officer across his left cheek. She smiles widely and then turns to flee as the officer steps toward her. She quickly picks up her running pace as the dark haired officer follows close behind her talking on his radio.

Just a block away, Tayla running full speed, spots an husky, six foot officer talking to two people who are having a domestic dispute. She increases her speed, taking long steady strides and runs straight for the husky officer. Without losing a step she smacks the officer on the back of his head, and runs off with her middle finger sticking up in the air. Victorious music playfully rings out in the background.

“Shit!” the officer yells as he checks the back of his head.

“Fucking pigs!” Tayla shouts and bolts off in the other direction.

The dark haired officer comes sprinting around the corner past the tall, husky officer. The husky officer then joins the pursuit, and they both break into a fast paced leg race trying to catch the fleeing woman. She turns several corners with the officers just a few seconds behind her.

At the end of the block, Tayla sees the coffee shop that she had visited the day before when she was preparing for her run. Outside on the patio, sits two off-duty officers having donuts and a hot cup of coffee. Tayla sprints towards the officers and swipes one of the officers donuts and takes a bite. As she continues to run, she throws the rest of the donuts over her shoulder towards the officers, making them dunk as it comes flying in their direction.

“Cocksuckers!” she shouts triumphantly through her donut filled mouth.

The two officers swiftly stand, knocking over their chairs as they promptly join in on the pursuit. Fast paced music rings loudly.

With all four officers pursuing her, she runs faster than she ever has in her life. Around one corner and then another. She darts around cars and other buildings, until she runs into a unfamiliar area and instantly realizes she has made a wrong turn from the path she had chosen the day before.

She attempts to backpedal, but it only leads her straight back into the awaiting arms of the law.

They grab her by the hair and throw her to the ground as they shout obscenities at her. Each officers then kicks and stomps at her helpless body laying on the ground. Tayla covers her head as she continues to shout degrading names at each of the officers.

“Ass munchers! Pigs! Bastards! Cock suckers!”

The sound of Tayla’s voice is drown out by approaching sirens. She hears the screeching becoming louder, and then the sound of a vehicle hurriedly coming to a halt. The four officers stop their assault and step aside as a older, higher ranking officer leaps from his patrol car.

He leans downs and sees blood dripping from Tayla’s face and forehead. He radios for an ambulance when she lets out a low moan. The officer leans towards her and touches Tayla in a reassuring manner, “Don’t try to move or talk. Help is on the way. You’ll be okay, I promise.”

Tayla uncovers her face and stares the officer in the eyes. Then she manages to get out the words, “Fuck you pig.”

The high ranking officer appears stunned.

From out of a white van, jumps a young, handsome man with a microphone in his hand. “Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have another winner!’ the man bellows.

“Tayla you’ve just won a brand new car and ten thousand dollars cash!”

Music swells in the background as a shiny new car appears along with a woman holding open a briefcase full of cash.

Paramedics arrive and place Tayla onto a stretcher. Bright lights from a camera douses her sweat filled face and torn shirt. She looks toward the camera and gives a thumbs up to the viewers at home, “I’m okay everybody.”

The title of the show flashes across the TV screen: WHAT ARE THEY WILLING TO DO?

The program credits roll as the music plays in the background.

“Tune in next week when Joey White goes for his dream home!” The host flashes a big smile and gives a low laugh, “Hey, America, is there a doctor in the house?”

After 8 hours of watching TV, Sandy picks up the remote and turns the channel.

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Well, that's it. Not sure if I like the title, so if you have a better idea, let me know. Have a great day!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Wintertime Blues or is it a little Major Depression Kicking in?

I would give anything right now for a tiny bit of mania. I’ve got brain fog going on, and all I want to do is sleep and eat. For the past few days all I've done is hibernate like a bear in the winter. It’s too cold to go outside and do anything, and everything inside makes me feel sick to my stomach, so I’ve just been sitting around or laying around doing nothing.

I’ve been trying to do some of the things that shock my brain enough to bring me back to reality, but those are failing, and this time I feel like saying fuck it... I don’t really give a damn.

They say women are effected more by the wintertime blues than men, because basically woman start off in life with less serotonin in our brains than men, so wintertime can be very rough on people like me. Gee thanks... one more disorder I have to deal with.

I forced myself up out of bed around 1pm today, (woke up at 10am, just didn’t want to get up) and tried to do a little exercising like they suggest when a woman feels this way, but that did nothing but make my head hurt more than it already was. Instead I got online and surfed around to a few different blogs, which is sometimes a good distraction at least, but not today.

I spent several hours reading other peoples blogs, and even more hours just sitting there playing Bejeweled Blitz. It kept me distracted for a few hours, but tomorrow I have to try something different. I’m going to try and get outside in the sun, even if it is only for a few minutes. If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what extremes I’ll be willing to try.

I know I won’t use any antidepressant or antipsychotic medications. I’ve tried a variety of drugs in the past, and each one failed in it’s own way. I just have to use what I’ve learned in the past to make sure I don’t do something really stupid tomorrow.

My court really sucked Thursday. Once again the court room was standing room only, even though I got there almost an hour before court started. I spent most of the first 2 hours reading a book and trying not to look around at anyone. Finally around 6:30pm, after the attorneys finished, the DA tells everyone to line up against the wall that wants to talk with him. FUCK! A line forms going out into the hall. Separately the Judge announces if anyone wants to plead not guilty, to step forward and the court date would be set for February. I was going to wait and talk with the DA, but changed my mind and quickly stepped forward. I gave my name and was told to return in February. I quickly left the courtroom, leaving everyone else standing there for the next couple of hours. Maybe I’ll come up with a good excuse and postpone my court date until March sometime. Maybe then it’ll be warm and I won’t feel the need to cuss someone out.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

It’s so cold out, the hookers are charging $25 dollars to blow on your hands

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation.

It looks like the forecast for my area is going to be a cold one for the next couple of days. We’re suppose to get close to the record in 1912 of -2 F. Damn that’s cold. The crazy part is just 2 years ago, in 2008, the temperature was around 75 degrees on this same day. Now that was nice!

A little light drizzling mist is falling right now, which is just the beginning of what is to come. I did the stupid thing like a lot of other people did, and waited until the last minute to stock up on enough supplies to stay indoors for the next couple of days. An one hour trip turned into two hours with the crazy traffic running through Tulsa and the insane amount of people that were in the stores stocking up.

Just as I turned onto 141st street a light mist met my windshield. A couple minutes later, with a smile on my face I pulled into my garage, thankful I had made it safely home before the snow and cold temperatures hit.

I hate going out in the cold now days, mostly because it makes my old bones hurt, especially in my knees. I also don’t relish the thought of maybe slipping and falling on my ass, or laying there like the old woman on TV screaming, ‘I’ve falling and can’t get up.’

I was hoping I could stay hidden for the next few days while the weather is bad, but unless I can come up with a good reason not to appear, I have to be in court tomorrow evening. Back in September my female lab escaped through a hole in my neighbors fence while I was gone. The way I understand, the dog catcher tried to catch her and she ran back into my yard. He then tried to get her out of my backyard, but my neighbor came over and said he would take care of the fence.

When I got home that day, there was a warning on my door, and my neighbor comes over to explain what happened. I thought that was the end of it, and my dog hasn’t gotten out since the fence was fixed. But I was wrong! TWO months later, I get a letter in the mail that I have to sign for. I open it and inside I find a ticket for my dog at large with the court date that has already passed. I get really pissed knowing my dog hasn’t been out, and that they are sending me a ticket with the court date wrong.

Eventually I get a hold of someone at the court clerks office and find out they forgot to include a letter telling me the court date had been changed. I was still pissed about the ticket, and began looking at it closer and realized it was for when she had escaped in September. I still don’t understand why he gave me a warning, and then two months later decides to send me a ticket in the mail. BET he likes fucking chickens. Psycho thoughts.... Walk away!!!!!

That’s as normal as my post is going to get today. I still feel the need to write about my last little drinking episode... But I’ll do that a little later. That’s twice this year I’ve been drunk...damn! This last time I didn’t get bombed, I got crushed into a thousand pieces. No more drinking for me, I would rather return to weed.

Hope everyone stays safe and warm.