Some days I feel like sitting in a darkened corner, and simply muttering incoherent thoughts to the wall. Today this blog is my wall.
I’m tempted to write some far-out, freak-imaged, kill-all nonsense, while patently being uncaring about what others think or how they respond. I stopped posting a lot of my more atypical stories, mostly because of my last tryst with law enforcement. Since I’m fairly sure they still occasionally return, I‘ve been trying to hold back on the bizarre thoughts of wanting to psychically hurt Officer .... Why? Because the other day while I was in the process of returning something my son didn’t need, officer ... felt the need to stare me down. Why? I wasn’t doing anything illegal! He followed me to the return counter and waited until I got my refund, then he walked up to the lady behind the counter and spoke to her about something. Maybe it was just my untrusting side, or my deeply rooted hate towards law enforcement that sent my mind digging around in the mud, but my thoughts are turning intrusive, which only means one thing.... It’s time to kill Officer ... then steal everything he has.
I believe as high as 90% of people have thoughts about killing someone at some point in their lives. It’s like crawling into the heart of darkness and you no longer think rationally. The brakes fail, and the sudden impulse to kill enters the mind. Different people have different reasons for crossing that line, but usually it is because of one of the reasons such as extreme hate, they are experiencing envy, some do it for the money, jealousy over what the other person has that they don’t, revenge is always a good reason, and then there are the ones who are just plain psychotic and do it for the thrill or notoriety.
The first time I crossed that line, it was because my emotions overcame my ability to reason. At the point of the kill, my judgment was set aside, and I was utterly oblivious to the consequences of my actions. There was never any plan, or time to prepare scenarios for the different possible outcomes that I later discovered would happen when taking a persons life.
Weeks later, I began entertaining thoughts of what it would be like to kill someone that involved taking a bigger risk. I repeatedly prepared scenarios, going as far as acquiring a weapon, stalking my possible target, selecting the best time, making sure I had an alibi, and lastly how to dispose of the body. My first kill was completely disorganized, but by the time I had killed more than one person I had learned how to plan for the possible different outcomes.
While I deliberated on who to kill next, I would have vivid and recurrent homicidal fantasies that would reach such an intense peak, that the brakes on my murderous impulses could not be stopped. My thoughts invariability precede the deed. After many years of not getting caught, I began going longer and longer in-between kills, until I was able to turned those thoughts off.
They say our nature is shaped by outside forces such as teachers, parents, peers, society, media, and culture. So, what happens to an individual when all these outside forces respond with nothing but negativity towards this person? Teachers treat the student with no respect, parents abusive, peers repeatedly tease, society laughs and mocks. Does this person one day just snap, and lose touch with all reality?
A few years ago I was pulled over for improper lane change by a local officer. The officer said I didn‘t signal quick enough before I got over in the other lane. I was in a bad mood, my blood sugar was really low, and I thought it was a ridiculous reason to stop a person and give them a ticket. But I knew the real truth, he didn’t like me, and I was fully aware that he thought I was nothing but a waste of sperm, so I had no respect for him. What pushed me over the edge was when he called me fat and stupid. At that moment it didn’t brother me as much as it did later when I was alone and thought about his actions. I wanted nothing more than to hunt him down at that moment and take his life for making me feel worthless. He did what many others had done to me throughout my life, he undermined my self-esteem, making me believe that I would never feel wanted by anyone.
After years of not killing, I once again grappled with my thoughts, going as far as tricking someone else into finding out where he lived. When I found out where his apartment was in Tulsa, I stalked him for a few days, discovering his daily routine. While I sat nearby and watched his place, I began entertaining alternate solutions of how I could keep a fantasy from turning into reality. Eventually I decided on another plan that didn’t involved killing him, but would still cause problems in his life. I still have an assortment of opportunities, but instead I choose to deliberate, for years if necessary. Maybe again someday my emotions will overcome my ability to once again reason.
My next story will be for the officer who stopped me last night at the football field. Smile for me, because I know you really can't stand me...hehe.