Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Return of the Psycho Thoughts

Some days I feel like sitting in a darkened corner, and simply muttering incoherent thoughts to the wall. Today this blog is my wall.

I’m tempted to write some far-out, freak-imaged, kill-all nonsense, while patently being uncaring about what others think or how they respond. I stopped posting a lot of my more atypical stories, mostly because of my last tryst with law enforcement. Since I’m fairly sure they still occasionally return, I‘ve been trying to hold back on the bizarre thoughts of wanting to psychically hurt Officer .... Why? Because the other day while I was in the process of returning something my son didn’t need, officer ... felt the need to stare me down. Why? I wasn’t doing anything illegal! He followed me to the return counter and waited until I got my refund, then he walked up to the lady behind the counter and spoke to her about something. Maybe it was just my untrusting side, or my deeply rooted hate towards law enforcement that sent my mind digging around in the mud, but my thoughts are turning intrusive, which only means one thing.... It’s time to kill Officer ... then steal everything he has.

I believe as high as 90% of people have thoughts about killing someone at some point in their lives. It’s like crawling into the heart of darkness and you no longer think rationally. The brakes fail, and the sudden impulse to kill enters the mind. Different people have different reasons for crossing that line, but usually it is because of one of the reasons such as extreme hate, they are experiencing envy, some do it for the money, jealousy over what the other person has that they don’t, revenge is always a good reason, and then there are the ones who are just plain psychotic and do it for the thrill or notoriety.

The first time I crossed that line, it was because my emotions overcame my ability to reason. At the point of the kill, my judgment was set aside, and I was utterly oblivious to the consequences of my actions. There was never any plan, or time to prepare scenarios for the different possible outcomes that I later discovered would happen when taking a persons life.

Weeks later, I began entertaining thoughts of what it would be like to kill someone that involved taking a bigger risk. I repeatedly prepared scenarios, going as far as acquiring a weapon, stalking my possible target, selecting the best time, making sure I had an alibi, and lastly how to dispose of the body. My first kill was completely disorganized, but by the time I had killed more than one person I had learned how to plan for the possible different outcomes.

While I deliberated on who to kill next, I would have vivid and recurrent homicidal fantasies that would reach such an intense peak, that the brakes on my murderous impulses could not be stopped. My thoughts invariability precede the deed. After many years of not getting caught, I began going longer and longer in-between kills, until I was able to turned those thoughts off.

They say our nature is shaped by outside forces such as teachers, parents, peers, society, media, and culture. So, what happens to an individual when all these outside forces respond with nothing but negativity towards this person? Teachers treat the student with no respect, parents abusive, peers repeatedly tease, society laughs and mocks. Does this person one day just snap, and lose touch with all reality?

A few years ago I was pulled over for improper lane change by a local officer. The officer said I didn‘t signal quick enough before I got over in the other lane. I was in a bad mood, my blood sugar was really low, and I thought it was a ridiculous reason to stop a person and give them a ticket. But I knew the real truth, he didn’t like me, and I was fully aware that he thought I was nothing but a waste of sperm, so I had no respect for him. What pushed me over the edge was when he called me fat and stupid. At that moment it didn’t brother me as much as it did later when I was alone and thought about his actions. I wanted nothing more than to hunt him down at that moment and take his life for making me feel worthless. He did what many others had done to me throughout my life, he undermined my self-esteem, making me believe that I would never feel wanted by anyone.

After years of not killing, I once again grappled with my thoughts, going as far as tricking someone else into finding out where he lived. When I found out where his apartment was in Tulsa, I stalked him for a few days, discovering his daily routine. While I sat nearby and watched his place, I began entertaining alternate solutions of how I could keep a fantasy from turning into reality. Eventually I decided on another plan that didn’t involved killing him, but would still cause problems in his life. I still have an assortment of opportunities, but instead I choose to deliberate, for years if necessary. Maybe again someday my emotions will overcome my ability to once again reason.


My next story will be for the officer who stopped me last night at the football field. Smile for me, because I know you really can't stand me...hehe.

Monday, October 19, 2009

ROAD TO HAPPINESS: (Under Construction)

First off, update on my spider bite. My regular doctor sent me to a specialist at the Women’s Breast Center, where they removed a piece of dead tissue about the size of a half-dollar from my left breast. I now have a open wound that will heal shut with time, but it will leave a scar. (Pictures at the bottom of post.)

On to a thought or two...

Time has a sneaky way of slipping past a person when they aren’t looking. When you are young, you’re carefree, frolicking through the life with no thought to the next moment. As a teen you become invincible, and somehow you know the answers to everything. In your 20s and 30s you don’t really have much time to think about anything, you just move along, trying to make it to the next day. When you hit your 40s, something changes and you realize you are probably at the half-way point in your life. It’s that mid-life crisis thing, and you’re convinced everything from there on has to go downhill. Anyway, that’s how my life has been.

Some of the more recent things that have happened in my life has caused me to seek out old companions, just to see where their life is now compared with mine. It’s been interesting reacquainting myself with some of the people I went to high school with on facebook, but its also sad thinking about the fact that it has been 25 years since I saw any of them. Time has blinked away, leaving nothing but memories...some good, some bad.

High school was rough. Not just on me, but others had their own demons to deal with. I guess I was just to busy dealing with my own demons to notice how the smartest kid in school had parents that were janitors at the school, and he felt shame because of that. He pushed himself hard after high school, fearing he would turn out to be no better than a janitor or a dishwasher. I never really noticed or thought it was that big of a deal, but it was to him. That’s why he fought hard to become someone better, someone who ran his own company, and then paid others to clean up after him. It took him 25 years of fighting to keep the demons at bay, but he finally won. He says he’s now truly happy.

There are days when I wish I could find the kind of happiness that he proclaims he is now experiencing. When I really think about it, my life hasn’t been 100% horrible, tragic, or devastating beyond recovery. I have had my days when I wished to end it all, but somehow I made it past those days, and was later truly thankful that I did. I will probably always have psycho thoughts, but I will deal with them when they occur. For now, things are quiet.

Spider bite before dead tissuse was removed.

After dead tissue was removed.
Picture from 2 days ago.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Living With Harmful Creatures Everywhere


I seem to have developed a new disorder, but at least this one I understand why. Last Sunday evening, around 7pm, I had just returned home from a long day. Wanting to relax, I took off my shirt for a more comfortable, older, I’m at home kind of tee-shirt. I then turned on the TV and laid back on my bed with a half-joint that I had gotten from a good friend. By the time I began to finally relax, I began feeling odd. My heart rate was racing too fast, I was beginning to itch everywhere, I was having a difficult time taking in a deep breath, and then I started coughing and coughing.

One hour later, my coughing finally begins to cease, but now the middle of my chest is on fire, and I’m getting the hot and cold chills. At my age, I freak out a little bit, and decide to go online and read about the symptoms of having a heart attack. (Instead of going to the ER right then and there....dumb me!) The main pain at the time was staying in the center of my chest and not spreading outward, so my thought was it was just from all the coughing I had done. And it was only hurting when I moved or twisted, so I felt safe that it wasn’t my heart, but something was wrong.

By 11pm, I was down. My body was completely drained and I could barely move. It was then that I noticed the large area on the underside of my left breast was swollen and discolored. On the right side there was a small, but still very red, irritated area. I still wasn’t putting it all together that I was having a reaction to being bitten by anything, let alone a Black Widow Spider, and decided I could ‘sleep it off. ’ I was quickly asleep, but within a short time, I was having the most extreme pain (rated it right up there with child birth) in my left breast.

Still, I kept thinking it would just go away, because I really didn’t have time to deal with what was happening. I was suppose to ride along with my older son the next day to show him how to get to his college campus at Spartan. He has never drove in the area, and was afraid of getting lost, plus I needed to come along and fill out more financial aide papers. Problem was by morning, my body had begun to shut down.

I couldn’t force myself out of bed, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I slept until 5 p.m. before a friend bought me some soup and water. I only managed to get down a couple bites of soup and a sip or two or water, before the nausea slammed my body. With the urging of my good friend, I got dressed and went to the ER.

By the time I arrived, the pain was unbearable. I only waited a few minutes, but it seemed like forever. I remember thinking, that I wished I had been brought in by ambulance so I could receive faster treatment. Finally, the nurse called me back and began asking me several questions and took my vital signs, which weren’t very good. My heart was racing 158 beats, my temperature was 103*, my blood pressure was high, and I was sweating. I showed her the spot on my breast, and told her my chest was hurting. She quickly got a wheelchair and took me to a room.

Everyone quickly rushed around me and began hooking up monitors, blood pressure cuff, oxygen, EKG, while one nurse hooked up a IV in a vein that kept collapsing. They gave me morphine for the pain, which helped for my chest, but the pain in my left breast was steadily intensifying. They then gave me more pain medication, and began running numerous test and x-rays.

My entire body ached from head toe, and it was very difficult to move or breathe comfortably. Inside my breast, it felt like someone was squeezing the inside tissue with a handful of needles, every few minutes. A little after midnight, they took another large vial of blood, to make sure no damaged was being done to my heart.

Around 1am, my son came to pick me up after they decided it was safe enough to release me. They gave me a round of steroids, more pain medication, a heavy duty antibiotic, and the scripts to get more filled. I crashed hard the minute I got home, but sleep was never deep. I repeatedly had fears of being bitten again, because I hadn’t found what bit me, and along with all the pain, sleep was not an option.

At least I now fully understand what the deal is with steroids, and why men like them so adamantly. But damn, it doesn’t let me sleep much, and I think I’m eating way too much. Still, if that is what I have to do to deal with this infection, then I’ll just worry about how I’m going to react to coming off of them later. (Watch out police department...just a joke....or is it?)

Tuesday I went to see my own doctor who put me on even more steroids and stronger antibiotics, along with what I’m already taking. I developed a severe rash from the pills, but if I can’t take them, then it means going to the hospital for IV antibiotics, so I’m fighting through the horrible itching.
Anyway tomorrow is day 7, and the wound looks horrible. I’ve been doing some research on what is expected to happen, but my doctors reaction alone tells me, its not going to be better for a very long time.

So, I now have arachnophobia... A extreme fear of spiders.
(To my followers...please forgive me if I'm not around for a little while...thanks for stopping by.)

Warning graphic photos:

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4
Day 5