Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Ride is Over

I’m moving out of the manic phase into the worst parts of my OCD, with a little extra depression thrown in there just to keep things interesting. Here is a site that explains my OCD better than I can.... I think I’ve posted the link before...I don’t really remember. My problem is very similar, but with a slight twist, and I haven’t figured out a way to handle the ‘thoughts’ yet. I just don’t fucking understand why my mind and body has to respond in this way. I’m not doing anything different than I was just a few days ago, but it’s like overnight my moods all changed without warning. My hours of sleep have increased to 9 hours now, but I feel like I want to sleep even more. I’m forcing myself to get out of bed, forcing myself for the past 3 hours to write this down, forcing myself to push through feeling all these voices in the back of my head, run around to the front and out the opening in the front of my face. I have to force myself to be. FUCK!

Feeling closed off from the rest of the world.

Everyone has got to be looking at me like I’m crazy.
I’m trying not to listen to voices around me, but they are all talking so loud.

What really sucks is if the pattern stays the same, the manic feelings leave my body, next comes the OCD, and then for God only fucking knows why, the depression sets in for a long stay.

Hold onto something, this is going to be a bumpy ride.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I fully understand the rollercoaster ride you are on. I have suffered with the same problems for years. It partly seems to be centered around my monthly cycle. On the times that I have a really heavy period, the two weeks before that my moods are off the fucking chart, and all I can think about is killing myself, or other people. Then the times when I skip my period or have a light one, my moods are not as bad two weeks before I start. Weird, but I guess it's due to my body chemistry. Sometimes the weather can also affect my moods. I use to post my charts online and then go back and read it all later, marking down the good and bads on my calender until I found a pattern. It still doesn't stop me from 'not feeling normal', but at least now I know what is about to happen and I can somewhat be prepared.

Good luck girl.