Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My Covert Activities

OMG!! Guess people were right...I’m a fucking stalker...damn!! more fucking disorder to deal with. I think it maybe my OCD mixed with a little wicked depression that’s making me do some of the dumb-ass shit that I’ve been doing for the past couple weeks. I hope writing again will keep me from obsessing and ruminating so much.

One of the things that helps to clear my mind is driving, but I really can’t do a lot of driving around my town, because of law enforcement who know me. They see me doing my obsessive driving and they think I’m MUST be committing some sort of crime. BUT I”M NOT!!! I’m just running around in circles like a insane dog trying to catch it’s tail.

I’m not completely sure why I do it, but I love watching people. Since, I can’t do this in my hometown, I find myself spending more and more time in another town...watching, following, spying on people through some high-end night vision super-stalker 3000 binoculars. I like following people from work, to gas stations, to grocery stores, to their friends house, drive back in forth in front of their house a thousand time, watching...The possibilities are endless!!

My OCD means that ANYTHING I do, or have an interest in, I become OBSESSED with it until my brain shifts in another direction. Which some obsession of mine can sometimes takes weeks , months, or even years before they halt completely. Sometimes I can force my obsessive mind to stop this, by getting a heavy dose of adrenaline.

Yesterday, while I sat in my car, watching law enforcement come and go from their police station, I began to ponder what it would be like to follow one of them around and just observe their activities. After thinking long about the possibilities, I began getting a short rush, so I randomly picked out an officer leaving the PD and I followed them for several blocks. I followed behind one officer until I was able to get close enough to see it was a female officer. I continued to follow her for several blocks, and then managed to get in front of her. Eventually she turned down a road to a boys detention center, and I kept going straight.

The rush was gone, so I decided to find another officer to follow and turned back around and went back the same direction I had came from. At a light, I saw another officer pulling someone over, so I quickly got in the turn lane and went to observe what was happening. By the time the light had changed the female officer that I had followed early was in line 2 cars behind me, which gave me a little rush. But it also changed my plans of observing the other officer, because instead of pulling over and helping one of her buddies, she followed me. Adrenaline is beginning to surge.

I’m a little scared when I noticed she was checking me out pretty hard, so I quickly pulled into Wal-Mart and look for a parking place. I see her right behind and my adrenaline peaks. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I feel alive. Normal. I park and go inside for a little shopping as I watch her sitting one lane over talking on her radio.

When I came out the storms had moved into the area and cleaned the air. It felt wonderful outside and so did I. The problem I’m facing now, is wanting, obsessing about returning tomorrow morning for another visit.(DAMN it I know I'm going to!!) I don’t want to get into trouble with law enforcement, I just need the adrenaline to feel normal, and this is what’s working this time. So, I’m sorry guys (LEO), I mean no harm. If you see someone in your rear view mirror that looks like they are stalking you, you maybe right, but remember you wear a badge, gun, and probably a taser, so you’ll be alright.

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