Monday, June 30, 2008

New Plans

Most of the time I tend to only write when I’m feeling stressed, or sad, so when things are going good, I just don’t really feel the need to say anything. I guess that’s how it’s been the past week or so. Things are finally going good...anyway at least for the moment. Plus I’ve been really busy putting my plan in motion...hehe.

I was finally able to get all my legal problems taken care of so I can be ‘legal’ again. No more sneaking around, wondering if at any given moment I would be arrested. It was hard to breathe’s much easier now. I’m able to take in deeps breaths one at a time, and enjoy it while I’m relaxing. I’m no longer carrying a weapon with me at all times, like I have for the past three years. It actually feels good going out and not thinking about it always being there to comfort me.

Cutting has become an addiction for me since the first time I laid open my skin when I was only 12 years old. At 40 years old, I still get the same rush that I got from cutting my very first time. But now that I’ve put my plan in gear, there will no more cutting, no more marijuana, and hopefully no more arrest. I’m too fucking old to keep getting locked up over dumb shit.

I now feel like I’m a part of my boys life again, and I don‘t want to mess that up. I’m spending more time with them and enjoying what little bit of time that I may have left. This next week I’m taking them to Lake Keystone for a day at the lake to let them just be boys for their last few remaining years before they become fully grown men and leave home. It feels good being able to do things for them again.

I finally had a CT scan done last week, not surprisingly, everything thing looked okay. But I already had the feeling it was going to come out okay, because I felt I had figured out what the problem was. I wasn’t having symptoms until an hour to two after taking some meds in the evening. My hearing loss was almost at complete loss on my right side. For some reason, I suspected it was the Zyrtec that I was taking, and I was right. It took me about a week to get it all out of my system, but my hearing returned to normal, my depression felt better, I didn’t feel dizzy, and I didn’t feel as hungry as I did after taking the Zyrtec. I still have to have a few more test done, but I think they are going to turn out just fine.

Right now, I feel good. I’m down 16 pounds. That’s not much, but it’s a good start. I guess three years of inactivity will do that to a person. I just have to really watch myself now, because I keep spending a lot of time outside in the pool, causing myself to get sun burnt several times now. My white ass burns too damn easy.

The other thing is...I won’t be spending as much time online posting crazy ass stories and enforcement should be happy. I’ll be outside enjoying what little time I may have left on this earth.

It's time for the other person inside of me to step to the front of the class.

Hope everyone has a great week!!!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The End

Click Picture to Enlarge

Monday, June 23, 2008

I can't sleep because....

I got a bad sunburn today...I'm such a dumbass!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Tea for Two

It had been unsettlingly easy to get hold of a gun, Sandy thought. The new gun laws were supposed to stop people like Sandy from owning hand guns, but all she had to do was go to one of the seedier areas of Tulsa, find an alone pawnshop owner, and show a little cleavage and the gun was hers.

The shop owner hadn't asked any questions or for any identification and within minutes, after letting him squeeze her breast, Sandy had left the shop with the gun weighing heavily in her coat pocket. What had just happened and what was yet to come, weighed heavily on her mind. Her friend Anna of course was there by her side. There was no getting away from Anna, or her actions.

The cold steel of the weapon felt alien beneath Sandy’s strong, yet petite fingers, and contrasted strangely with the warm color and texture of the wooden hand-grip. Sandy slowly turned the cylinder of the revolver, her fingers brushing lightly over the head of each bullet in turn until she came to the chamber with the spent round.

"That's four hundred dollars well spent little darling,” the pawnshop owner had said as he handed the gun towards Sandy and placed the money in his pocket. Sandy had reached for the gun but Anna had picked it up.

"That's a sweet forty five.” he said grinning as Anna slowly loaded the pistol. "Just like "Dirty Harry had in the films." Anna thumbed in the last bullet and spun the cylindrical chamber.

"You shoot someone with that young lady and they won't cause you no more trouble,” the pawnshop owner said smiling. Anna had smiled to. Then she raised the gun and fired.

“No more trouble,” Anna mumbled and put the gun in Sandy’s coat pocket then she reached over and recovered the money, now damp with the pawn shop owners blood.

"We should leave now," she said with a grin and hurried from the shop taking Sandy with her. All the way to her car and for the rest of the drive home to her apartment, Sandy listened for the sound of sirens telling her that Anna's crime had been found out. But there had been none, and as the door to her apartment closed behind them, she had finally relaxed enough to allow herself to think about what had happened. Anna's laughter rung in her ears as she leaned over the toilet vomiting violently.

Sandy laid the gun down on the bedside table and walked across to the window. The darkness outside seemed to huddle in corners, away from the street lights as if trying to shelter from the heavy rain falling upon the city. The water poured down to one side of the window where the gutter was blocked with muck and filth. Storm clouds gathered overhead as if promising that this was just a sample of the dark times ahead. Anna smiled as the first of the lightening cut through the sky.

“This is my kind of weather,” she said with a big grin. Sandy just closed her eyes on the scene.

"Why did you kill that pawnshop owner Anna?" she asked, her voice no more than a whisper containing no emotion, just a great sense of weariness. Anna snorted in derision.

"You know exactly why I did it," she muttered. "I did it because you couldn't."

"But why Anna?"

Anna sighed in exasperation. “Because he was scum Sandy! The dregs of humanity. All the stuff in that shop, all the rings, the watches, the televisions, were stolen. Either stolen directly and fenced through that slug or stolen by him for a pittance from people who couldn't afford not to sell. The man was a leech, a parasite. He deserved what he got!”

Sandy sighed. She found it so hard to argue with Anna sometimes. All to often when she looked inside herself she found that she agreed with the sentiments, if not the methods.

Sandy reached out and drew the curtains closed, blocking out the world outside for a while. Moving over to the bed she laid down and stared silently up at the cracked and crumbling ceiling above her. Slowly her mind sorted through the events of the day again, searching, questing, probing for what? For something, for anything that she could hold up before Anna to stop what she knew was coming, but there was nothing.

Anna was right. The pawn shop owner got what he deserved. And as she decided this a tear gently rolled down Sandy's cheek and she wept for her own morality. Sometimes she really hated Anna.

Sandy turned to look upon the gun. Anna’s instrument of retribution. It would be so easy she thought. So easy to reach out and take the gun. To take the gun and kill Anna. But she knew she would not. Sandy knew that in Anna’s death lay her own demise. They were together now as they had been since Anna had first appeared in Sandy’s life. A day that would burn forever in her mind.

The jeers of the other children had rained down upon her with almost as much force as the fists and feet that struck her. She had tried to flee, to escape the torment but had been tripped and as her head struck the concrete they had closed in with the eagerness of the ignorant.

Then Anna showed up. Most of Sandy’s tormentors fled with minor injuries. One had received a broken arm. Two others had been hospitalized. Sandy had been expelled. Anna went with her to her new school though. And again to the next after a similar incident. After that there had been no more trouble. Rumors about Sandy began circulating around, and all the time Anna kept Sandy safe from harm.

“They deserved it too, Sandy,” said Anna her voice perhaps a little softer for just a moment, then back to its normal harsh self. Sandy sighed. Anna always knew what she was thinking.

"They were evil," yawned Anna, as she turned towards the gun. Reaching out a hand Anna caressed the cold metal and smiled darkly as the weapon glittered in the light of the bedside lamp.

"That's what they said about you after what you did to them," accused Sandy but with little conviction. This conversation had played through to often and she knew both sides of it by heart. But then, deep down, she always knew what Anna was going to say. Anna just laughed.

“That isn't what they said and you know it,” Anna retorted with a wicked grin. Sandy lowered her gaze from the gun.

"No," she breathed, her voice no more that a whisper. "They said that I was evil. No one ever blames you."

Anna shrugged. "Can I help that?" she asked with a smile. Sandy fell silent.

For several long minutes there was silence. Anna reached out and picked up the gun. “Time to get started,” she muttered, her voice suddenly serious.

Sandy rose from the bed and walked over to the window and peered out through the crack in the curtains. "Why us?" she whispered, staring out at the rain soaked streets as another round of thunder rolled across the city.

“If not us, then who?” growled Anna, her voice low and menacing. “The law doesn't work and the police can’t deal with the spreading evil.” Anna raised the gun. “Only you and I know how to fight evil, and that is to fight it on it's own level. Our evil against the evil out there.” Anna gazed out of the window, her eyes looking like pits of darkness in the shadows of the room.

Sandy sighed weakly, again feeling the weariness of her spirit, but knowing there would be no rest for her now. Slowly she moved over to the mirror and gazed at her reflection.

“I won't kill,” she said with a voice that was resigned but resolute.

“You won't have to,” replied the reflection of Anna. “I'll do it for you.”

“As long as we are clear on that,” whispered Sandy with a nod at her reflection. In the mirror Anna nodded back.


Sandy reached out with her empty hand, picked up her coat and put it on. Anna removed a bullet from the pocket and replaced the spent round with a new bullet. Sandy pulled up the collar. Anna put the gun in the coat pocket and smiled. Sandy took one last look around the dingy flat. Then Anna stepped out into the night and Sandy went with her in silence.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Nothing But Constant Sorrow

God Fucking Damn!!! Why in the hell is it so fucking hard to go to sleep? It’s not like I’ve been sleeping a lot. Last night I only managed to get maybe three hours of sleep, between thinking about going to court and the storms in the area, sleep never really found a home.

It’s now almost 4 am and I am still awake. I tried to lay down earlier, but all I did was toss and turn. I should have been able to sleep like a lamb, because my day in court went like I was expecting. I had to pay around $400 dollars and that closed the case. YEAH!!! I don’t have to fucking go back to court on this charge every again!!! I have to still attend court on something else in August, but I don’t want to have to think about that until then.

I have a couple more things I have to take care of, pay some other mother fuckers some money, and then its time to put my plan in motion.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

I'm Not Mooning You

I'm turning the other cheek!!!

And this is what I think of you!!!

Just a friendly hello from some of my friends...hehe

June 15, 2007

I go to court in Tulsa, tomorrow morning at 9am for hopefully the last time, on the possession of marijuana charge from over 3 years ago. I’m a little stressed about it, but the Lortab and Zanax that I took about an hour ago seems to be helping enough that I’m not really feeling much of anything. According to my Attorney, nothing serious should happen. They will give me a fine, I will pay it, as long as it’s not more than $400, and it should all be over. NO MORE going to court for this stupid ass will hopefully finally be over with and I can get my life going a different direction once again.

I had a big long rant that I was going to post, but I just really don’t feel like it now. I have other stress going on in my life at the moment, but I don’t have to start worrying about it until August. At least for now this charge will be out of my way.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Manic Thoughts

I've been struggling with an illness,
At least that's what I'm told.
It seems that no one can agree,
And I'm just getting old.

It's only supposed to matter
How I really feel, they've said.
But somehow without a label
I'm lost inside my head.

I guess I'll keep on trudging
And dutifully swallowing the pills.
Until somehow they find a "cure"
For whatever are my ills.

Where does one call truce
in the battle with the mind,
forever tweaking medicines
to improve the
quality of life?

When does one settle
for a shell of a former "you,"
and stop striving to improve the
quality of life?

I raise the white flag
of surrender.
I am so tired...

Dark, cold, black, tranquil….

It calls to me like an old friend.

The darkness should frighten me…

Run, flee, far away from the evil one.

My legs are filled with lead.

I remain, knowing what is ahead.

Too weak to fight,


Finally, it comes.

Tender arms engulfing me,

Floating, no pain.

No light.

No sound.


Peace…….at last.

If you're overly excited, You're happy;
If I'm overly excited, I'm manic.

If you imagine the phone is ringing, You're stressed out;
If I'm imaging the phone is ringing, I'm psychotic.

If you're crying and sleeping all day, You're sad and need time out;
If I'm crying and sleeping all day, I'm depressed and need to get up.

If you're afraid to leave your house at night, You're cautious;
If I'm afraid to leave my house at night, I'm paranoid.

If you speak your mind and express any opinions, You're assertive;
If I speak my mind and express my opinions, I'm aggressive.

If you don't like something and mention it, You're being honest;
If I don't like something and mention it, I'm being difficult.

If you get angry, You're considered upset;
If I get angry, I'm considered dangerous.

If you over re-act to something, You're sensitive;
If I over re-act to something, I'm out of control.

If you don't want to be around others,
You're taking care of yourself and relaxing;
If I don't want to be around others,
I'm isolating myself and avoiding.

If you talk to strangers, You're being friendly;
If I talk to strangers, I'm being inappropriate.

For all of the above, you're not told to take a pill or be put in the hospital;
But I am.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The much shame

Tonight I’ve got suicide on the brain
over here typing because my head is screaming angrily at me
trying to rally other parts of my brain to shout the voices down
I hate myself for thinking like this.
I hate my mind for working this way.
inability to conduct coherent conversations
do excuse me if I go quiet,
or chuck a half-assed rant your way sometime soon.

I'm not feeling so good recently. My mood has switched into something nameless. I can’t describe it; a kind of shaky deadness. It is so strange how you can be okay for a while, enjoy life, live normally, and then, just when you breathe, overnight it all comes back. You’re crazy again, hurt again, suicidal again.

When I am stable, I don’t think about my mood every day, every hour, every minute. When I fully recover from a mood episode, I am horrified at myself, the monster that took over my body for a while. I think back to my meticulous suicide plans and all of the details and it is as frightening to me as if I had planned a murder. And how I acted. The shame, so much shame. Worse than being drunk in front of everyone, but similar in tone.

A few rough days and nights, a heat wave, exhaustion, the mood swings again, and I am back to wishing I weren’t alive. Moreover, I’m so restless and so very fucking angry that I can’t help thinking about jumping off buildings, a giant fuck you to the universe, for giving me everything except the ability to live with it. And for some quiet. To know that I will never, ever, have to do anything I don’t want to do again.

When every moment of every hour of every day consists of something you don’t want to do, and everything you see in the possible next ten years is more of the same.

Do you ever get the urge to run and run and then run some more? I’m not necessarily thinking of the Forest Gump type of leaps and bounds, but just something to shake off the feeling I have right now. I feel so restless that I wish I could be in a field and just run to the mountains, and never look back.

But it’s dark, and 2 in the morning. Besides the roaming bears, wolves, coyotes or cougars would consider me fair game and probably find me hard to resist.

So I think a shot or two of Jack is in order and then it’s time for bed.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Think of the worst, wish for the best

I have had a off and on ringing noise in my right ear since I was a teen. A lot of people have this’s tinnitus I thought, so no big deal...I just have to learn how to deal with the noise. Most of the time to combat the ringing sound I usually blocked it out with loud music, or at night have the sound of a fan in my ear. That’s why I usually drive around town with my music in my car louder than what most people would. If you had this problem you would understand, and maybe even ask to turn the music up a little louder. When I was a teen, I couldn’t fall asleep unless I had the sound of a radio playing in the background. Slowly, I’ve just gotten use to the noise.

Recently this noise has slowly become a roar, and now it’s a pulsating washing machine sound. Kinda like blood being pumped by your ear. In the morning it’s not very bad, but by night time, it has intensified to the point that it causes me to have nausea and makes me feel dizzy. I’ve had vertigo before, so I have already ruled that out. I thought it might be Meniere’s syndrome, but now I’m not sure what to think.

I broke down last Friday and went to the doctor, who did exactly what I figured she would, put me on more medicine, and even increased what I was already taking. But the worst part was after I told her all my symptoms, she thinks I might have a tumor. I guess maybe that explains why here recently I suddenly get a sharp intense headache for no reason. She says it could also be that I had a mild stroke, or my heart could be giving me problems. Whatever it is, she wants me to have several test done within the next week or so.

Yesterday I went in for blood work and urine test. My symptoms were so severe that she wanted me to go to the ER and get fully checked out. But that would mean getting admitted to the hospital. Fuck that!! I don’t feel like spending hours in the ER and then days in the hospital just so they can run some test quicker. I have learned how to live with the lower sound, I will just have to deal with this louder sound until the doctor’s nurse makes me an appointment somewhere in Tulsa in the next couple of weeks or so. Until then, it’s time for a song or two....three....four.


Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. -- Thomas Edison