According to the Twelve Step programs, we are as sick as our secrets. But if we can find a safe place to share our secrets we can begin to work toward healing. For centuries, Christian churches recognized the healing power of sharing our inmost struggles through the Rite of Confession. So, what do you do, if you are not a Christian, but you still feel the need to confess?
We can hide our secrets in tear-stained night for as long as we want to, but it is only when we chose to bring them out into the light that we can begin to heal.
I feel like I will be dead within a year. There’s no time for tears.
There is nothing more powerful than finding someone safe to tell "the secret" to. No one knows how hard it is, unless they've been there. Your heart pounds, your body is rock rigid, you grind your teeth, your mouth is dry. You think of all the excuses to keep your mouth shut. They'll get mad. They'll laugh. They'll reject you. They'll treat it like it was nothing and tell you to forget about it. Or worse: they'll be polite, nod their head like they understand, leave and not ever have anything to do with you again. But you have to tell someone, and oh God, please let it be the right one! Finding someone to tell, who's also been through it, is the most incredible healing thing, and the most rare.
I trusted someone with my writings and they read them and read things into them and used them against me.
Like so many of us, the relief of telling the secret was followed by a feeling of "I'm O.K. now that I talked, so it's over." So I told my friend to talk, and keep talking, talk to ME, I understand, and talk anytime you need to for as long as it takes. Don't bury it. You just scratched the surface. Open the wound and let it begin to heal.
I have finally opened the wound...Will it now begin to heal? Or will I just keep scratching at it, never letting the wound disappear?
You'll feel scared, embarrassed, angry and unsure when you first tell the secret to someone. But do it anyway. Those who've walked in your shoes understand the need to keep talking and that there's no shame for things you were too young, too scared, too vulnerable to understand, or to even stop.
Telling the secret is the only way to break the shame that binds your heart.
Its been a really bad week, and taking the Relgan isn't helping with my moods. I've been a fucking bitch to everyone. It's a long story, so maybe I'll post about it tomorrow...right now I want to try and get some sleep because I only got 3 hours last night. I feel like a fucking zombie walking around.
Nausea is tearing me up right now, so much so, that I gave in and took a couple Reglan. Now I remember why I quit doing the hardcore drugs years ago. It takes my body too damn long to recover now days. I’m finally starting to crash, and managed to eat a some crackers a few minutes ago, but still everything smells and taste like crap.
I want to use something to help me lose weight, but I’m not sure about using the hardcore stuff. Still, I think I dropped a couple pounds just being active for most of the night and day. Now though, my body is starting to feel like crap, and I have completely lost the hearing in my right ear. Don’t know if I’m going deaf, if its the drugs I did, vertigo, Ménière's syndrome, if its from all the ear infections I use to have while going up that went untreated or if its a combination of all the above. Whatever it is, it sure sucks, and is making me feel a lot worse.
From around the age of 8 to 16, I had probably around 40 to 50 ear infections from going swimming in the summertime. I was told by a relative that I probably had swimmers ear, which causes repeated ear infections. Problem was every time I got one, my parents wouldn’t or couldn’t afford to take me to the doctor to get it treated. Many nights during the summer I would stay awake all night holding my ears, crying because the pain was intolerable. The only thing my parents would say was to tell me to stop my damn crying, because they didn’t want to hear me.
Well, I’ve got to try and get some sleep, the boys will be back tomorrow, so I have to pull myself together. Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day.
It's around 9am and I still haven't been to sleep...and honestly I don't feel like I need sleep or food. The boys are with their dad for the weekend, so I don't have to worry about them seeing me looking all stung out...so that's a good thing.
This shit fucks up my mind, but I feel like I've already drop a few pounds. My friend is staying for the night, providing all the free stuff I want...so what the hell...might as well have some fun. At least shit is getting done.
I'm still awake and have decided I don't need no fucking sleep.
A friend of mine saw I was online and hit to tell me she had some really good gogo, and wanted to know if I wanted some. She knows I've been struggling to lose a few pounds so I told her why not. She should be here in a little while and we'll probabaly be up the rest of the night smoking meth. At least I won't be eating for a while.
I can’t sleep. At all. So what am I doing instead?
I tossed. I turned. I grumbled. I surfed the web. I read for a while. I roamed the house pacing like a crazed animal frustrated... "if I went to sleep right NOW, I'd get 5 hours" ...then 4 hours... then 3 hours..
Then fuck it. Why bother at all?
No sleep + no food + diet pills, er I mean "vitamins" = has me on some kinda jacked up buzz that is bordering on delirium.
I even took a pic of myself with my new camera in my bathroom mirror. I was gonna post it here with a clever caption saying "this is your brain with no sleep" but no way am I posting that here... I look like I'm strung out on crack or something.
Wow! It has been crazy this past week. This is going to be a long post, so get yourself some popcorn and sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
Tuesday I woke up with what I first thought was a severe case of Vertigo. If you don’t know what that is look it up, but basically it is a inner ear imbalance, which causes nausea, head spinning, and other symptoms that basically will put you on your ass until it passes. I’ve had it in the past and had to go the ER, but this time I decided to fight it alone.
Problem was this time the symptoms were a little worse and now I’m beginning to believe it might be Ménière's syndrome. I had a complete loss of balance, severe hearing loss in my right ear, along with a loud ringing sensation. Whenever I stood I felt severe dizziness, things seem to be spinning around, I was also had nausea and I broke out in a hard sweat. Guess I should have went to the Doctor, but after two days it finally went away after I took a few Benadryl for sinus and cold, my symptoms ease up enough that I could function.
Thursday I was finally feeling well enough to make it to Wal-Mart to do a little grocery shopping. Since the boys were out of school for the summer, I knew I would have to pick up few extra groceries to keep them fed. Still, before I left the house I decided to take a Reglan to help with the nausea I was still having. Dumb ass me, I forget that the Reglan causes muscle contractions and helps to empty my stomach quicker. So, I’m walking through Wal-Mart and I’m just about finished with my shopping when a cramp slams my lower stomach. It feels like a fart so I begin thinking I can just ease it out while I’m walking down one of the isles. I get about in the middle of one isle and I don’t see any one else, so I start to ease it out, when suddenly an elderly couple begin walking my way. I squeeze my ass cheeks together tightly and continue walking on around to the next isle.
Ahhhh, I think, this isle is completely abandoned, so I secretly smile to myself and walk to the middle of the isle and begin once again to slowly ease out a massive fart that is building deep in my gut. I give a little push and nothing happens, so I try to push a little harder and I suddenly realize... IT IS NOT A FART!! I felt my eyes go wide, and my mind begins screaming RETREAT!! RETREAT!! Now instead of pushing out, I’m trying to suck it back up inside my stomach.
I have just two more isle to go and I’m finished with my shopping, so dumb ass me decides I can wait, but my stomach has another idea. I’m at the fruit isle when my stomach screams at me telling me I need to find a bathroom now!! Ignoring the rest of my shopping I make it as quickly as possible to the front of the store. I see the bathroom sign and begin walking in still tightly squeezing my ass cheeks together. I’ve never been in this bathroom and notice there are two ways I can go, so I begin wondering am I walking into the men’s room? Then my body reminds me of what I’m there for and tells my mind, “ I don’t care if this is the men’s room....YOU HAVE TO SHIT NOW!!”
I hate taking a dump in another toilet other than my own at home, but in an emergency you do what you have to do. One quick push and it was all out and my stomach cramps retreat. I finish and walk out to wash my hands and see another woman, so I smile to myself, thankful that I hadn’t walk into the wrong bathroom.
When I get home from Wal-Mart I find I have a house full of teenage boys. Most of them I knew, but a couple of them were strangers. At first my mind begins thinking, this can’t be good, and what kind of trouble might suddenly happen with that many teen boys. But then my 15-year-old son ask me if it’s okay for them to fill water balloons. My mind relaxes knowing at heart he is still my little boy. They filled up over 200 water balloons, which probably cost my 20 dollars, but they had fun.
After they all got soaked, they came in, changed into dry clothes that they had brought with them, and sat down to play video games. About an hour later after everyone leaves, I get a call from one of the new boys mom who wanted to meet me...before her son spent the night at my house. Even though my son hasn’t said anything to me about someone spending the night, I figure why not...I didn’t know what else to say. I tell her sure it will be okay, and then she goes on asking me one hundred questions. She then tells me her son, who is 16, has never spent a night away from home. WOW!! And I always thought I was protective of my boys. She finally agrees that it will be okay, but she still wants to come by and meet me.
Ten minutes later she shows up and I invite her in. She looks around like she’s expecting to see something horrible, but after a long look around she smiles and agrees that it will be okay for her son to stay the night at my house. I felt like I was being inspected. I guess its good to know that my house was proper enough for her. We step back outside and continue talking about the boys for another 15 minutes before the rest of the boys return with their with camping gear and over night bags. This is when I’m finally told by my son that all his friends want to spend the night in tents in the backyard. I have the hardest time saying no to people, especially my boys, and so I agreed.
They set up the tents, then play a little basketball in the backyard before coming inside to play video games and munch on some pop and chips. Around this time my next door neighbor calls me and wants to know if I want a frozen margarita...sure bring one over I tell her. I finish my drink in about 20 minutes, and my head is already being to feel the effects. She asks if I want another, and decide why not, so we head over to her place for another one. The boys are old enough and I felt they could safely keep themselves entertained for a little while, so I stay at her house and finish off a second drink.
The second one was stronger than the first one, plus I’m drinking it through a straw, quickly so I can go back and check in on the boys. I stumble over to my house and look in to see them all still playing videos games. Back to my friends house I went, for yet another drink and to smoke in her backyard. By the time I finish the third drink, I beginning to notice my face feels numb, and everything is suddenly funny as hell.
When I do drink, I usually stay in a good mood as long as there is no jackass around to put me in a bad mood. Between the drinking and smoking, I begin telling my friend about my little problem I had a Wal-Mart. We both begin laughing so hard, that if the neighbors had been awake they would have heard our roars of laughter clearly. My friend then tells me she had the same problem the other day, but when she pushed a little too hard she made a nasty mess on herself. Again the laughter rang out loudly throughout the night air, and I didn’t care that all the laughing was making my sides hurt and my cheeks to ache...it felt great.
We went inside for a 4th drink, when a Junebug landed on my exposed big toe. I immediately sling my foot skyward, sending the little bugger flying across the room, smacking into the cabinet with a loud thud. We roar with laughter. It amazes me how little things like that are so funny when intoxicated.
Around 2:00am, I cautiously make it back to my house to put the boys in their tents for the night. And of course my drunk mind thinks it will be cool to get online and post some crazy shit. I posted one blog without correcting any of my mistakes and decided to leave it up, but just a couple minutes after that post, I thought of more shit to say. Problem was, it was some things I should have really kept to myself. I’m sorry if I pissed anyone off, I was just drunk and talking crazy shit. When I read that post this morning I quickly removed it, before anyone else could read it. In all there were only 8 other people who read the post, and only 3 were from around in the Tulsa County area. If you were one of the people I mentioned in the post...forgive me...I meant no harm...it was just the drunk in me letting off a little steam.
I have more to say, but I’ll save it until the next post, this one has already gotten to be too damn long. Hope everyone has a safe holiday weekend.
I am so fucking drunk right now that I can barely stand. /A good friend invited me over to her house for a couple drinks, the next thing I knew we had finished a fifth of tequila plus some other that she had left over. oh yeah, her husband is cool. Shit! I haven't been this drunk since my dad died several years ago. Fcuk him he was nothing but an asshole!! I hope he is reotting in heall. Damn I can't spell. Shit someone just came online that I know....but I don't want to talk to him right now.
Jen you are one cool ass person...I hope th bitch rots in hell for what she did to you.
Man my stomach is rocking right now...I know I'm going to be throwing up in a few hours. Last time I got this drunk I puked for two days. I'm burping Pringles exytreme kickin cheddar chips...god I know I'm going to be throwing up in a couple hours. fuck!!!
And this is the wrong damn night to be doing this shit. I have 5 teenage boys staying at my house tonight. And all their parents trust me to watch them. shit I'm a fuck up. but people seem to like me alot once they get to know me.
My face is numb and I'm fuckinhg hot!!! I hate the goddamn summer time. I wish I was living somewhere where the weather is around 60 year round. I hate talking to my boys when I'm drunk...but I needed to get drunk...its been too damn long.
Today I understood why a person like me should not be allowed to legally have a gun, because if I had one, I would have unloaded every fucking bullet into a few sorry ass mother fuckers who call themselves human. Plus throw in a lack of sleep and I was ready to take a persons life without even a second thought. I would have loved to unload several rounds into their body and then one finally bullet to their head as they lay there reconsidering how they might have treated me a little different.
I didn’t make it to sleep last night until the sun started shinning through the small pin holes in the foil that covers my bedroom window. Then I woke right back up around 8:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I just laid there staring at the sun brightly beaming its way just over my head to the wall on the other side of the room. Around 10:30 I forced myself into the shower and got ready to take my older son to graduation so he could play for the band.
I dropped him off and then headed to the Cricket store to return/replace his phone that he bought just one month ago. He bought it in Glenpool, but was told that they couldn’t replace it, even if it was still under warranty, but he could get a new one or have that one fixed if it took it to one of the many places in Tulsa. This was when my frustrations first began. The first store at 21st and Yale was busy, but the worst part was a couple of men in front of me were exchanging heated words with the bitch at the counter.
I went ahead and waited several minutes while they exchanged words, only to find out when it was suppose to be my turn, I was then told I needed to take a number and wait. Knowing that at least 15 other people had come in after me, I said fuck it and walked the hell out. They should have had a sign up near the door that tells people to take a number then wait!!
Took a couple deep breathes and headed off to the next store at 31st and Sheridan. There they couldn’t do anything about it, and told me I would have to take it to another store on down at 31st and Mingo. I get there and once again a long line. I wait and wait for over 30 minutes and they still haven’t finished with the first customer that was in the store when I first walked in! Finally another person shows up to help customers, but only with making a payment. ONE fucking person steps over to her, and that is all she is going to fucking do! I finally step to her and interrupt her speech about she was only taking payments, and quickly say, “I just need to ask a question.”
I quickly tell her the problem and she tells me I’ll have to take it to the another place and pay to have it fixed. Fourth stop!!! They can’t do anything, but they might be able to order some parts and it will cost around $45.00...STILL it might not fix it completely!! By now I’m ready to fucking scream at the top of my lungs, launch my sons damn phone against a wall or up against the sorry ass mother fucker who sold him the fucked up phone.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
I stop off at a friends house to calm myself down with a joint or two, which actually turned into a blunt and 3 joints. After getting high, we started talking about how my last court date went, when he broke in and started telling me he has a $10,000 dollar warrant for his arrest. I begin to lose my high when I realize how easily I could be caught up in some shit if the boys in blue come knocking on his door. I swear I have no fucking friends who are straight! He went on to tell me the warrant was for domestic violence from when he broke up with his last girlfriend and beat the shit out of her causing her to lose the baby she was carrying. What a fucking dumbass!!
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Safely got away from that side of town and headed back towards Warehouse Market for a little grocery shopping. I go to pull into a parking spot and this fucking white CUNT bitch pulls in front of me from the other direction, taking the spot I was about to pull into. I swear to God I wanted to pull the stunt Kathy Bates did in Fried Green Tomatoes when she ram into two bitches car that had pulled in front of her. That’s when the first thought hit me strong...I wanted a fucking gun so I could walk up to the bitch, put the gun to her fucking head and say, “So you think you’re fucking cute?!!? You are nothing but a rude as bitch that needs to be laying dead in a ditch somewhere!! FUCKING CUNT!!!”
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Stopped off at a pawn shop to check and see if they had any TV’s that were reasonably priced. BAD mistake! The second I stepped in the door the line was right there where you could barely even step in the door. I thought well I would just go ahead and take a quick look at what they had, and stepped around a young black girl that was waiting in line standing right in front of the door. I stepped around her, but brushing up against her lightly. Immediately her ignorant nigger ass starts loud talking how I touched her and didn’t say excuse me. I ignore her at first and look around as she continues calling me a bitch.
At this point I am on the verge of wanting to grab this fucking bitch around her throat and strangle her until she can no longer breathe!! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate black people, but I hate fucking people who act like niggers. Like the white bitch in the parking lot, she is a fucking nigger too!!! And the God damn ignorant non-English-speaking Spanish bitch from the Cricket store. FUCK!!! This has just been a small part of my day. Tomorrow had fucking better be a little more calm, or I swear to God I’m going to buy an illegal gun and go around killing up some stupid mother fuckers!!!
This past week has really sucked. Last Friday night my throat began feeling scratchy, and by the next morning I was running a fever and had a really bad headache. By late that night I was sneezing, coughing, had body aches, and overall feeling like shit. The next day, I took some cold/flu medicine and slept for most of the day.
I was just thankful that when Monday rolled around I didn’t have to go to court. It cost me $375 for an attorney , but he went to court for me. I’ll have to appear sometime in June, but for now I don’t have to worry about anything. It’s not going to be bad anyway, I already found out that I should just have to pay a fine and it will be over with, so I’m not really concerned about the outcome.
I still haven’t gone back to taken Reglan yet. My mind feels better and my depression isn’t weighing on me as heavy as it was before, but now my stomach is tearing me up most days. It’s kinda like having monthly cramps everyday without the pain and bloating letting up. I may need to go back to the doctor, but I hate going to them, because every time they want to put me on something else and not tell me about all the possible side effects. I hate feeling like a guinea pig.
One thing that I was reminded of when I went to meet/speak with my attorney, was my right to freedom of speech. While talking about my case, I had to go back to the beginning and tell why I was originally arrested and what all took place. In the end, it was all linked back to this blog and the things I have posted on this site that led law enforcement to my house. Pointing this fact out and staring it squarely in the face, I have to ask myself if I should continue to post on this blog. I didn’t mind to much when it was a stranger reading about my crazy thoughts, but when people who know who I am began reading the blog, I felt like I lost a little of my right to free speech. I began censoring myself, afraid of what people who know who I am, think about me.
So I can continue my struggle to find myself, I started another blog under one of my other screen names, so I will once again enjoy my right to free speech. If you are a good detective, you can find the other blogs ...maybe. Today, I don’t care what others think, or if you think I’m crazy, insane, and in need of medication. These are my psycho thoughts, and I have every right to put out there for the world to see, anything that my mind creates.
A little over two years ago when I started this blog, I kept it private where only I could read what was posted. But then I began exploring the internet and talked to many people who suggested that by telling my story, instead of keeping it to myself, I could and would begin to heal and recover from my past trauma. At first I was really embarrassed letting people know, even if they were strangers online, what was going on in my mind some days. Letting strangers glance into a small part of my life, has helped me to understand that I am not alone, and other people have trauma or drama also in their lives. More important was the fact that these people who also suffered, were able to make it to another day. And I guess that’s all I really have to do, is make it to the next day. I don’t know about the day after, or a month from now, but for right now I’m just trying to make it till tomorrow.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. - Robin Williams
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. - Katharine Hepburn
My insomnia seems to be sticking around like a starving dog I’ve taken in, but at least for now my moods seem to be stable. It’s now almost 2:30am and I’m wide awake as if I just woke up from 10 hours of undisturbed sleep. Maybe a little writing about my day will help.
I didn’t go out tonight like I had planned, because last night I re-injured my right knee once again. I had went outside to check on the storms and noticed some of my trash had blown out of the trashcan. I was picking it up, when my right foot slid on a wet, slimy area near the sidewalk and down I fucking went like a brick being dropped from a 50 story building. At first the pain was so intense that I thought I would have to lay there until someone came along, but that soon turned into an embarrassing thought.
Took me a minute to recover enough to drag myself up off the ground and into the garage. After making it into the house, my only happy thought was that it was around midnight and no one hopefully saw it happen. I made it to my bedroom where I quickly found a pain pill and swallowed it without a drink.
Today I’ve been walking around slowly, but at least its not quite as bad as I first thought it was going to be. My calf muscle feels like I’ve walked 20 miles without stopping for a break, and there is some swelling behind and around my knee. It’s enough pain that I won’t feel like moving around much for a couple days.
Guess it’s just another one of God’s hands slapping me in the face...or knee as the case may be. He must really hate me.
Since around January 2006, I’ve been taking a medicine my doctor prescribed for my diabetic ‘lazy stomach’ called Reglan or the generic name Metoclopram. It increases the muscle contractions in my upper digestive tract, which speeds up the rate at which my stomach empties into the intestines. It also helps with the nausea, vomiting, and heartburn, that taking some of my other medicines cause.
Anyway, about 10 days ago, I stopped taking the medicine, mostly because I was too fucking lazy to get off my ass and get the prescription filled again. After not taking the medicine for three days, I noticed a drastic change in my mood. Most of my suicidal thoughts that I’ve been having for around two years now, disappeared. At first I thought it was just because I was about to go through another manic phase, but it felt very different this time.
As more days pass the better my moods seem to be, and I feel my mind is a lot clearer now. The best part is my insomnia seems to be disappearing...well at least for now anyway. I’m not totally sure it’s because I stopped taking the Reglan, but I’m going to go without it for another week and see if it continues to make a difference in how I feel daily.
Before I posted this I decided to google Reglan and see what I could find out...guess I might be right. I found out that it can cause depression, and since I already have depression its making it worse. The other thing I found out is that I should have only taken the medicine for 12 weeks...I’ve been on the shit for 2 fucking years!!
Here is some of the things I found out:
Most important fact about Reglan (in big bold lettering)
Reglan may cause mild to severe depression. If you have suffered from depression in the past, make sure your doctor is aware of it. Reglan may not be the best drug for you.
Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Stop using Reglan and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
tremors, or restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck; mask-like appearance of the face; fever, stiff muscles, confusion, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats, rapid breathing; depressed mood, thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself; hallucinations, anxiety, agitation, jittery feeling, trouble staying still; swelling, fluid retention; jaundice (yellowing of your skin or eyes); or seizure (convulsions) feeling restless, drowsy, tired, or dizzy; headache, sleep problems (insomnia); nausea, diarrhea; breast tenderness or swelling; changes in your menstrual periods; or urinating more than usual.
Okay, so I now have this choice to make, stay on the drug to help with calming my stomach down, but I would still have to deal with all the side effects. On the other hand, I do without the drug and let my stomach do whatever it wants and not have to deal with all the side effects. I’m just not sure what I should do. For now it feels good to not have sucidial thoughts.