Monday, April 07, 2008

When you hold onto the shame and guilt, you forget who you are.

I’ve been thinking for the past couple of days about no longer posting on this blog, since it is being watched by law enforcement. A friend suggested that I get rid of everything posted on here, but I’m fairly sure if there is anything on here that law enforcement want, they have already got it by now. For now, I’ve decided that I will continued to post on this blog and the other blogs that I have. This blog will continue to be for my psycho thoughts, whenever they occur and I feel the need to release to the world my demon thoughts, I will post them. Feel free to leave your opinions, but I will remove the post if I consider it trash talking.

If you want to read about good news, rainbows, butterflies, lollipops, little children smiling, jokes or anything else that makes you smile, you can go to this blog

A short part of my life story...

I was 18 at the time and continued to sleep in my Uncles garage. At night, I would go walking up town looking for someone or something that would make things seem better.

I walked into Roy’s Wreck center and saw Sammy sitting there talking to someone. I hadn't seen her in a few months and quickly went to see what she was up to. She said she was living in town now and wanted to know if I wanted to go riding around with her and the guy she was staying with. Eager to do something I quickly said yes.

His name was Larry and drove a red convertible car. I got in the back and we drove around through town acting like fools, yelling, drinking and just cutting up. After several hours of driving around drinking, we made a stop back at Roy's for a quick bathroom break. Sammy finished first and headed back to the car. When I finished and walked out a fireman who knew my name, stopped me and ask who the girl was I was with.

"Oh, that’s was just Sammy. She’s a friend of mine."

“Boy, she sure is fine. Those long legs of hers I would love to wrap around them", he said smiling big.

At first, I was surprised he was talking to me, but when he talked about Sammy, I understood why. Sammy was very pretty, skinny, long legs, long blonde hair, most men fantasized about her.

Laughing a little, I said, "I'll let her know."

"Oh no, don't say anything to her", he said with a boyish grin.

I smiled again and said I would see him later. Then I walked outside to meet with Sammy. Larry had bought a bottle from the liquor store and handed it to Sammy. She quickly opened it and took a big drink, then handed it to me and I did the same. After a couple hours, Larry was ready to go home, but Sammy and I weren't, so we had him drop us off up town. We walked through town several times, drinking and talking.

Around midnight we were stopped by a police officer that I knew. I could tell he liked Sammy by the way he talked to her. I didn't look at them in that way, but Sammy did. The only thing was she said she was a little frightened of them, so I agree to stay with her when she talked to them. I tried not to pay to much attention to what they were saying, and I couldn’t look him in the eyes. If I did for even a second I felt like I wanted to vomit, but Sammy was a good friend and I did it because I wanted to please her.

He wasn't the only one, over the next few weeks I was going with Sammy to their houses. At first I was having a hard time being so close to them, but Sammy was drawn to them as much as they were to her, so I began being able to tolerate them.

On different nights, we would go out drinking with whatever officer we had met earlier in the day. At first, I didn't want to go and let them know up front that they could go out by themselves. But Sammy always insisted that I go with her and of course the officer would invite me along, just so he could get a chance at being with her. I knew this and I didn't let it bother me. Still, I always felt out of place, but I went along because Sammy was my best friend.

The first officer Sammy dated came to picked us up after he had gotten from work. Sammy and I had already been drinking when he picked us up and planned on drinking even more. He stopped off and picked up a case of beer then we headed to Double Creek. We parked near the boat ramp and he got out and walked to the back of his truck. He took out a black suitcase that had several types of drugs inside. He took a few pills from a bottle and gave Sammy and me 2 each of the pills.

We talked and drank some more before heading back to his place. By the time we got there, my speech was slurred and on top of what I had already drunk I was feeling pretty good. Still at his place, we had a few more beers. It was really late and I was ready to lay down. Not really wanting to stay but, Sammy liked him and asked me to please stay. He said it was okay if I slept on the couch. I finally agreed and laid down while him and Sammy continued talking.

Even being drunk, it takes me forever to fall asleep. I silently lay there with my eyes closed for a least an hour every time I try to go to sleep. I can remember being this way since around the age of eight. I would always lay there, thinking, wondering, listening, being scared. Once I did get asleep, I would quickly wake back up in a short amount of time and it would then sometimes take me hours to go back to sleep. If that didn't happen and I stayed asleep, then I would awake very early in the morning at any sound that I heard.

This made me feel very jumpy all the time. I feel like jumping out of my skin if I'm confronted with anything that even remotely resembles a threat. I try to steer far clear from that type of danger or anything that reminded me of it. I was always told this was nature's way of teaching us a painful but important lesson, but my reactions sometimes would get out of hand.

This time I laid there on the officers couch, until I heard them go into his bedroom. A short time later I could hear them having sex. At first, I tried to blow it off and let them have their fun; after all, it was their business. For some reason, after a few minutes it began to really bother me. I opened my eyes and saw his picture on the wall in his uniform, and I began feeling uneasy and anxiety took over. I took several deep breaths repeatedly trying to calm myself, but I just couldn't relax.

I quickly and quietly put back on my shoes and walked outside heading back uptown. I stopped by a Quik-Mart and bought a single beer and a pack of cigarette's then headed towards my Uncles garage. I was almost there, when Sammy and him came driving up in his truck. Sammy rolled down the window and asked where I was going.


"Why?” Sammy asked puzzled.

I thought to myself for a moment then said, "Why? Because, you got what you wanted, so I wanted to go home. I didn't want to stick around. Just leave me alone, alright."

I really wasn't making a lot of sense. All I knew was I was done for the night and wanted to go home, away from him. Away from the way I was feeling. I felt I couldn't tell them the noise bother me, they would think I was nuts. Which as I walked on home, I thought maybe I was. Inside, I felt like I was falling apart.

Sammy stopped by the next morning and tried to convince me nothing had happened between him and her. I thought it was great that she was with him, it was just I couldn't be there. I still recalled vividly, the bad memories from around 9 months before, of my experience with the first LEO(law enforcement officer) I ever met face to face. The memories still haunted me.

I let her know we were still friends and I didn't care if that’s what she wanted to do, it was her own business. She said she was sorry but police officers turned her on, because they were hot looking, strong and fun to be around. I laughed and told her I was just having a hard time seeing them that way. She tried repeatedly to convince me that they were normal people, just like us. I wasn't seeing it yet, and I wasn't sure if I ever would.

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