Sunday, April 20, 2008

Force myself to smile

( Picture I took out my front door last week after some storms passed through. Click on picture to enlarge.)

Tomorrow I’ve decided I’m going to one of the parks around here and take a long walk. Maybe getting some exercise, and taking a few pictures will help to relax my mind before I go to court Tuesday. Things should go along fairly simple, but I’ve learned to always expect the unexpected.

My father taught me that well, you never knew what kind of mood he would be in, so I learned to always tread quietly around him and be ready for the unexpected at any moment. Especially in the summertime when he would sit bare ass naked in his recliner, rubbing his penis, and looking at me out of the corner of his eye. I didn’t dare walk past him when Mom wasn’t in the room, if I did, it meant being pulled down towards him, making my hand brush against his penis.

Mom never stopped him from sitting around naked, even when we became teenagers and wanted to invite friends over to our house. During the summer when he mostly did this, I didn’t invite anyone over to the house because I was afraid that he would do them the same way he did me.

I thought about calling Parkside, or somewhere I wouldn’t have to pay for outpatient treatment and see what they can do for me, but right now I don’t have a way to get there. I don’t have a car during the morning hours, or any one who could take me. And I can’t go in the afternoon, because I still don’t want the people around me to know. No one knows about the accident at jail, except for all the officers that were there, but not any family or friends. It’s just another one of my secrets that I wish to keep to myself at this time.

Today my mood has been pretty good. I went out shopping for a few things at Wal-Mart, and then helped my older son buy a new cell phone, which made him really happy. He has a part-time job working at Wal-Mart, so he will be paying for it himself, and so far he is doing good at saving the rest for a car. I just can hardly believe that he will be out of school next year. Time has really gone by fast.
Happy Thought for the day...
There is a big, beautiful world out there, and you deserve to experience it.

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