Currently I’m engaged in what is considered ‘risky or reckless behavior’. You know what I’m talking about, doing things like driving to fast, doing to many drugs, having unprotected sex with a stranger, spending too much, etc. You get the idea. When I’m in this kind of mood I like to ‘push the edge of defiance.’ I don’t know why, it just feels right taking risk.
Like now, since it’s starting to get warm out, and I’m smoking weed again, I’ve been going in my garage around midnight to smoke and relax. The boys are sound asleep at that time, so they can’t walk in on me. Plus I leave the garage open so the smell doesn’t get throughout the house. But this is consider risky behavior by some, and I know this, still it feels right.
At least now that I’m smoking again, I don’t have as much intense anger as I was. I’m just kinda relaxed and laid back. Except for the paranoia that comes from smoking...but then a part of that is also enjoyable. Like the other night, I was almost caught by local law enforcement smoking outside. It gave me one hell of a rush. Why cut myself when I can get that feeling?
I’ve been reading about one of the first disorders that I was diagnosed with back in 1985.... Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s interesting because for the most part it does describe me pretty good. It said that individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may have a pattern of undermining themselves at the moment a goal is about to be realized such as dropping out of school just before graduation (I did that when I was attending Vo-Tech in 1987); regressing severely after a discussion of how well therapy is going (a therapist once told me therapy was going well, two hours later I tried to take my life by overdose.)
Stress is my big thing, when I get stressed, all I want to do is cut myself. Not to die, but just to make myself feel something different. So instead of cutting myself when I get stressed, for now I will just engage in risky behavior.