Saturday, March 29, 2008
Black, Thick Smoke in the Distance
I can feel it creeping in on me once again. It starts in my head and hands, then my jaw begins to tighten, and I bite back all the harsh words that want to come flowing freely from my lips. Tears try to form and I fight back, clenching my fist so hard that my fingernails leave marks in my soft skin.
The rage starts at one end of my body and eventually consumes my entire being with an unnatural but all too familiar stabbing thrust. Exhaustion then starts in my gut and slowly spreads throughout my body, taking over the anger. It leaves me begging for the moment that I can fall into bed for hours of nothingness, and sleep it all away.
Thursday was the first day I noticed the shift. I thought it was just because it was about to be another long boring weekend, but the feeling continues. I figured it was just my hormones when I slept for 10 uninterrupted, dreamless hours. I just started crying as I was beginning to fall asleep. Maybe I am a bad mother and don’t deserve to have my freedom, were the words that repeatedly danced through my head.
There will be only a few more days left before the darkness replaces the anger. The anger is not a bad place to be, because it at least means that I still feel something. I would like to know what others do when the darkness sets in? For me it can be weeks, months before I feel the blood pumping through my body again. Until then, it’s nothing but cold breathing.
I can feel it coming, and it scares me out of my fucking mind.
This disease is sneaky.
Frozen in misery and anger.
Crawling through dark caverns on my knees
Stagnant film covers my mind.
The sirens are singing
and I find myself drifting toward the song.
It’s too late to turn and run back.
Their song soothes me.
I’m at the crossroads
And I don’t know which way to turn.
It’s hard to see where the path
Leads through the damp, dense blanket-like darkness.
I’ll keep looking,
Right after I take a short nap.
I wish I had brought a blanket
It’s cold in here.
History is not destiny,
You just have to change the way the game is played.
It sounds so simple,
But all you have to do is survive.