Wednesday, February 06, 2008

It tastes like suicide

I’m trying my best to pull the chair up to the desk and write here just so I don’t lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling.
My brain is becoming incredibly noisy again. I don’t feel I can even properly articulate myself today as I can’t make sense of what is going on.

Recently the noise has been turned up again. It’s almost white noise; a rush of thoughts that flood in and swirl around. I have trouble coping when my mind is like this; I can’t get my thoughts straight and it makes it difficult to sleep or hold a conversation. It’s distracting and depressing. Depressing because the thoughts are almost wholly negative, but so very fast. Distracting because I can’t focus on the same thing for more than a few seconds before my mind takes me elsewhere.

What is also bothering and scaring me are “intrusive thoughts”- not the type you get with OCD. This is something I’ve lived with for years but they still frighten me and make me incredibly anxious and uncomfortable. They come from absolutely nowhere, quite suddenly and I feel like I don’t have control over them. I don’t want them and the things that I think of are things I do not want to do or see. I get images, like flashbacks, that strike out from the mess. Horrible things, like rotting images of my father, of myself, violent thoughts, thoughts of suicide, images of death and dying and decay. There are words and phrases too that stick in my mind and start skipping like a faulty record. I find it so hard to get past it that I either start writing, saying or forcefully thinking of something else. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t and drives me to frustration. It happens when I’m trying to sleep too so I have to talk myself down from complete panic.

When I’m out and about, if someone is near me, I have this thought that they’re going to hurt me, so I get panicked and have to get away, somewhere lonely and safe. I get convinced that they have a knife or gun or are looking at me oddly. I freeze and then begin to get anxious. And run off, or walk quickly away.

These thoughts have been keeping me awake recently and making me burst into tears. Sometimes I wish I had a dial I could use to turn down the volume.

When I die and my life flashes before me, I wonder if it will be worth watching.
Suicide---Don’t do it...Why make all your enemies happy?

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