Saturday, December 13, 2008
I get a funny feeling,
it comes from deep inside.
I get all mad and angry,
wanting to go and hide.
My doctor calls it depression,
my dad says it's just me.
But the thoughts and feelings,
no one will ever be able to see.
Some say I'm psycho,
some say I'm just weird.
It's like I'm a different person,
and the old me just disappeared.
I get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide real bad.
Then I get a headache,
followed by feeling sad.
I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
it will some day.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that writing can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.
When you look back on your life, will you regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did?
Life...Look at it and really see it...live it...and never give it back.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
so what if I’m a little bit crazy.
All alone in the rain.
I’m going under.
Sometimes I feel so frozen.
Trying not to hear what they are saying,
But they are talking so loud.
Everyone around me thinks I’m going crazy.
It’s draining all of me.
But I just don’t care what they say.
I can take a lot of pain.
All I have to do is laugh a little too loud.
I never meant to cause any problems.
I only want to be seen laughing in the rain.
I’ve had enough.
I’m letting myself go.
That’s what I had to deal with today. FUCKING Morons!!
Last week I was stopped by a really nice officer from Glenpool, for not signaling soon enough. OKAY. He was very polite as he waited on the call back to make sure my warrant, that he helped arrest me for, was all taken care of. OKAY. I told him that it was totally cleared up, but I couldn’t help but flash on the fact that the night before I had looked up my case online and saw it said, “T.C.M.W.P. NOTICE NON-COMPLETION - PART OF SENTENCE - FAILED TO REPORT”.
Of course I knew this information was incorrect, so the next morning, I called my attorney, and spoke with a lady who answered his phone. She told me that she would have my attorney call me back. (Which he never did.)
As I’m sitting there looking in the mirror at Officer G, I’m thinking I’m about to go to jail, so I start telling my 18 year old son, who is sitting next to me, what to do with the money in my purse just in case.
A few minutes later Officer G comes back up to my window, and hands me back my license, as he again apologizes. He informs me that my warrant is all clear. To nice. I smile, and he asks one last question. You know....the ‘do you have any weapons, knives, or drugs in the car?’ kind of question. I quickly respond with a no...thinking in my mind there better not be, because it’s my sons car. But he does have a couple friends who smoke marijuana, so I get a little adrenaline rush for just a moment. Then I tell him no again, because ‘I don’t smoke any more.’ Apparently, that’s not what he’s heard.
He apologizes once again, and tells me to have a nice day, without a ticket or a search of the car. (You would have wasted your time, there was nothing in the car...relief for me to.)
Now this is the difference that I’m talking about, Officer G was professional without being a dickhead. Even if it was a fucked up reason to stop me. (I needed a little boost of adrenaline, so I can’t complain.) Smile and I’ll smile back, but be a fucking AssClown and I will unleash my feral impulses. I’ll call you every name I can think of, and try to degrade you in any way possible. (Ask Officer C Smith about that one.)
The next day after the stop, I called someone at the court clerks office and talked to them about what was posted on the site: http://www.oscn.net/applications/oscn/casesearch.asp , which says that I hadn’t completed everything required of the court. I just wanted to make sure that a few months from now this all didn’t come back on me, and I get arrested for what is posted, even if it’s not correct. I’ve been through this court shit before and all it takes is one fucking moron to deliberately not put the correct information into the system, which is what I believe has happened this time.
After talking and almost arguing with a woman at the court clerks office, she finally told me I had to speak with someone in the Work Program and they would have to remove it from the system. Okay. So, I call and leave a message. No one calls back.
Today I decided to try and get this resolved once again. I was trying to speak once again with someone at the court clerks office in Tulsa, about what was posted on the site, and how to get it removed. I was told someone from the work program would have to send up some paper work to let them know that it was all clear, since they were the ones who sent the paper work stating I hadn’t done the work hours. I tried to explain this to some asshole named Curtis, but all he wanted to do was be an AssClown. Saying things like, ‘yeah sure, I’ll get right on that...’ In the most derogatory tone, that I instantly knew he had no plans of doing anything.
I became so frustrated that I hung up on him, calling him the asshole that he is, which led to him calling me back. He said he was going to do it, but after my attitude, he wouldn’t....and at that point I broke in and screamed at him, ‘no you weren’t. I could tell by the way you were talking you aren‘t going to do anything asshole. He continued to talk, I hung up, but not before screaming ASSHOLE... Into the phone. I’ve probably got a warrant now, just because this asshole thinks he better than me, and get’s off on degrading individuals. Fuck off you stupid ass bitch before I jump stupid and show you how much of a psycho I can really be.
All I've got to say is if I get arrested for this fuck-up, I will sue the shit out of this stupid bastard.
Friday, October 31, 2008
1. Back in 1990, after running errands in the car with my firstborn son, who was only a few weeks old at the time, I saw, to my horror, that he had ridden the whole way home without the seat belt fastened in his child-safety seat. My sleep-deprived self had forgotten to buckle him in. Instantly, visions of all that could have been ravaged my already-fragile mind. That one still scares me.
2. My second son scared me half to death when he was about 6 months old. Earlier that day, he had managed to cut his mouth on a Zweiback biscuit while he was with a baby sitter. Later that afternoon, while driving to Grandma’s house I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my baby’s face covered in blood. It was like something out of “Carrie,” half of his face was bloody! I thought he was hemorrhaging or throwing up blood or something equally horrifying, so I made a quasilegal U-turn and beelined for the emergency room at quasilegal speeds. I frantically ran into the hospital with my bloody child, big brother in tow. When I finally saw a nurse, she pretty much laughed at me and my hysterical mommyness. It turns out that mouth cuts always look worse than they really are. Most folks manage to swallow the blood when the have a cut in their mouth — most folks who aren’t babies, anyway. Oh.
3. Once, when I was backing my car out of the driveway, after dutifully checking my mirrors and watching out the rear window, I felt the car bump over something. Immediately, I hit the brakes; the only thing that stopped faster than the car was my heart. My thoughts went something like this: OMG!!!, I just killed something! Oh, please, don’t let it be a person! Or the dog! Please don’t let it be the cat! What did I just do? I checked. I looked and there was nothing there! What did I hit?
OMG!!, did one of the kids come out of the house? They were supposed to be inside with their father! How did they get out here so fast? No, they couldn’t have. OMG! Did I run over someone else’s kid??? I waited for my heart to start beating again, albeit not regularly, and managed to haul my paralyzed-with-terror self out of the car to witness the carnage. Ready to rush in the house and call 911, I looked behind my car and truly felt like an idiot — it was a plastic baseball bat. I ran over a baseball bat, and I killed it, too.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
She will be pacing the cold confines of the condemned cell, as the minutes slowly and sadly tick away, indignant and outraged by the injustice that put her there. Perhaps she will beat the unyielding walls and scream her innocence to the world. No one will hear her though; only the correctional officer standing outside her door, and he will have heard it all before from other ‘innocence’ people.
Eventually, as her final moment approaches ever nearer, she will quietly lay on her hard bunk, and anger will be replaced by a far greater emotion: terror. She will know pure liquid fear as her mind enacts the ultimate moments; the trembling walk to the room to be strapped down, the strong arms supporting her at both sides as she takes each faltering step up to the platform, the blackness as a mask is place over her head and steals her last sight of the world around her. Will she be one of those that stand firm and proud as she feels the rough sting of a needle being placed in her arm? Defiant at last in the face of the inevitable, determined to make her exit dignified and ladylike? Or will she succumb to basic animal panic and have to be dragged kicking and screaming, begging and pleading, weeping and crying, to end her days as a cowardly wreck?
Jenny will be praying now, praying as she never has before, praying desperately for the last-minute reprieve that will never come. Every tissue of her being will be fervently hoping that the true guilty one will step forward, remorseful, and conscious-stricken that another is being punished for her crime.
But it will not happen.
A woman in my position must be seen to be above reproach, to be beyond criminality. I must adhere impeccably to the law. The scandal would be enormous shout it become know that it was I who kill James.
I had to take his life. If only he could have been content to let our affair remain a secret. I thought that I had convinced him that it was for the best that we continue as we had for all those months. However, that night, that last night, when we met at his house while his wife Jenny was attending one of her many late-night sessions at a local bar. No amount of reasoning or persuasion from me would sway him; he loved me and he wanted the world to know. He was leaving Jenny. He had even written a letter telling her so. What could I do? How could I allow it to be discovered that I had been conducting a long-standing affair with the husband of a local well-known politician.
I am noted for my calmness and passivity, it is necessary in my work, but that night when James showed me the letter with my name in it like an accusation, I snapped.
When the police arrived at the neighbors house, they found Jenny standing over the body of her husband spread out on the bed, and the stocking I used to strangle him still clutched in her hand. The evidence against her, though circumstantial, was damning.
At the trial, the housekeeper and other witnesses revealed the graphic details and the constant bouts between the couple and Jenny’s violent behavior toward her husband after coming home drunk from the bar. When it was further exposed that she had been conducting an affair (one of many) with the bartender, from whose bed she had come home that night and with whom she had often discussed how much she despised James, the jury had little hesitation in finding Jenny guilty. No one was aware that the real culprit was viewing the whole procedure from the back of the courtroom.
It is almost time now. The door of the condemned cell well be swinging open to admit the escort who will accompany Jenny on the long walk to her final rendezvous. What exquisite dread she must be feeling. I know I wouldn’t wish to be in her shoes.
“We’re ready for you now, Ms. Smart.”
“What? Oh, I’m sorry officer, you startled me; I must have been daydreaming. I was just giving the equipment a final check. Everything seems to be in order.”
“Oh, I’m sure it must be, madam; I’ve never know you to make a mistake. Very professional you are, if you don’t mind me saying so. Though I couldn’t do your job for a million bucks. Dirty work it is, being the one who put’s the needle in someone’s arm.”
“Why thank you, officer; that’s very kind of you. You’re right, it is dirty work, but you know what they say; someone has to do it.”
“I suppose so, madam. Oh well, it sounds like they are bringing Jenny in now.”
Dirty work indeed, but I make sure Jenny Smith’s execution is as clean as all the rest. One should always take pride in one’s work.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Back then, and I guess still today, I feel there is a way to make the world a better place. Nothing too big; just a helping hand to someone in need, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, even $5.00 to the drunk guy on the corner, because I feel even people like him, sometimes need a little a little help.
But how do you know when the help has gone to far? At what point to you step back? And realize you are causing more harm than good.
At 9 years old, I figured this out. It was a hard lesson taught, but one I have never forgot.
It was a warm spring day, and we were out of school for summer break. I was out wondering around the 1200 acre property, in the woods behind our house, when I heard a chirping sound coming from a small tree just a few feet in front of me. Being the curious kid that I was, and a part of me fearing that something was wrong and I would somehow be coming to the rescue of something in need, I quickly shimmed my way up the tree.
In the middle of the tree, close to a v-shape branch, sat a nice, newly built birds nest. Inside I could see 3 small eggs, one of course was where the noise was coming from. In my heart I felt the bird was crying out to me, asking for my help to free it from the confines of its shell. The mother or father bird, was no where in site, so I felt I had to help. I gently picked up the egg with the birds beak sticking out and began removing pieces of the shell.
I quickly removed all the shell, doing all the work for it, and when I did the bird stopped chirping. I was happy, thinking that I had just saved it's life. I gently sat it back down in its nest, but it just laid there. I didn't understand why it wasn't moving. I had freed it from its struggle. I continued to watch the baby bird for almost an hour, poking at it occasionally to see if it would move more, but didn't, it just laid there, and I finally had to walk away.
The next day I returned to find the baby bird laying dead on the ground near the tree. In the nest above I could hear the chirping of the other two birds that I had not helped. Later I found out that it is necessary for the baby bird to struggle out of the shell alone; that is what makes them strong enough to be able to one day fly.
Some people tend to forget this lesson in life, or never learn this one, but sometimes we have to let other people struggle alone, if they ever want to fly.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Sorry everyone for not posting much recently, but it's FUCKING SUMMERTIME!!!! Anyway I guess that's the reason I haven't been on much recently. Plus I just don't really have much to say or have the time to sit down and type. I've pretty much been going non-stop since I started driving again. DAMN it feels good!! FUCK YOU RANDY little bitch RAINS!!! Okay I'll admit...I've been drinking a little tonight. A good friend returned home tonight from a week and half vacation, and she brought back some 6-point beer, so I've had a couple. I wanted to make myself go to sleep early tonight because the boys want me to take them to the lake again. We are going to do the same thing we did last time, get up around 9am, leave by 10 to 10:30 and be at Sand Springs Wal-Mart around 11:30 to pick up some lunch, and then it's off to the lake for a couple hours of swimming and baking in the sun...LOVE IT!!!
I have a new hair style since I last went, so that feels really good, and I look ALOT different. Hopefully nobody knows who I am...hehe.
We went to the Jenks Aquarium a few days ago...the boys and I had a wonderful time and took several pictures. I’ll post a couple below.
Click on Picture to Enlarge
Everyone have a wonderful day, and I’ll try to post more next time.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
The great time continued near dark when my boys, their friends, and several of the neighbors shot off fireworks this year. Guess we should thank Chief Waller and all those in charge for the privilege...I hope we can do it again next year.
Tomorrow the boys decided we needed to go to the lake since we didn’t make it last week. My older son doesn’t have to work, so I told them I would take them and a couple friends. We haven’t been to Keystone this year, so everyone is really looking forward to spending the most of the day there. Hope I don’t get too burnt...hehe.
We are getting up early, and getting there hopefully on a day when there are very few people. In the past when we went early in the morning and on a weekday, the boys and I mostly had the entire lake to ourselves. I’m going to try and leave by 8 or 9am, then swing through SandSprings and stop off at the Wal-Mart there and pick up some lunches and snacks for everyone. I was going to pick up everything tonight, but the boys want to do the ‘traditional’ thing...hehe...like I use to do a few years ago. They love and still remember all the days and trips we made to the lake back in 2005. I don’t want to do anything that will take that away from them again.
Well, with my weird sleeping pattern, I probably won’t get any sleep, but it will be worth seeing the smiles on the boys faces, and knowing these memories they will remember forever. I hope this week turns out as good as this past week.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
I was finally able to get all my legal problems taken care of so I can be ‘legal’ again. No more sneaking around, wondering if at any given moment I would be arrested. It was hard to breathe then...it’s much easier now. I’m able to take in deeps breaths one at a time, and enjoy it while I’m relaxing. I’m no longer carrying a weapon with me at all times, like I have for the past three years. It actually feels good going out and not thinking about it always being there to comfort me.
Cutting has become an addiction for me since the first time I laid open my skin when I was only 12 years old. At 40 years old, I still get the same rush that I got from cutting my very first time. But now that I’ve put my plan in gear, there will no more cutting, no more marijuana, and hopefully no more arrest. I’m too fucking old to keep getting locked up over dumb shit.
I now feel like I’m a part of my boys life again, and I don‘t want to mess that up. I’m spending more time with them and enjoying what little bit of time that I may have left. This next week I’m taking them to Lake Keystone for a day at the lake to let them just be boys for their last few remaining years before they become fully grown men and leave home. It feels good being able to do things for them again.
I finally had a CT scan done last week, not surprisingly, everything thing looked okay. But I already had the feeling it was going to come out okay, because I felt I had figured out what the problem was. I wasn’t having symptoms until an hour to two after taking some meds in the evening. My hearing loss was almost at complete loss on my right side. For some reason, I suspected it was the Zyrtec that I was taking, and I was right. It took me about a week to get it all out of my system, but my hearing returned to normal, my depression felt better, I didn’t feel dizzy, and I didn’t feel as hungry as I did after taking the Zyrtec. I still have to have a few more test done, but I think they are going to turn out just fine.
Right now, I feel good. I’m down 16 pounds. That’s not much, but it’s a good start. I guess three years of inactivity will do that to a person. I just have to really watch myself now, because I keep spending a lot of time outside in the pool, causing myself to get sun burnt several times now. My white ass burns too damn easy.
The other thing is...I won’t be spending as much time online posting crazy ass stories and such...law enforcement should be happy. I’ll be outside enjoying what little time I may have left on this earth.
It's time for the other person inside of me to step to the front of the class.
Hope everyone has a great week!!!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The shop owner hadn't asked any questions or for any identification and within minutes, after letting him squeeze her breast, Sandy had left the shop with the gun weighing heavily in her coat pocket. What had just happened and what was yet to come, weighed heavily on her mind. Her friend Anna of course was there by her side. There was no getting away from Anna, or her actions.
The cold steel of the weapon felt alien beneath Sandy’s strong, yet petite fingers, and contrasted strangely with the warm color and texture of the wooden hand-grip. Sandy slowly turned the cylinder of the revolver, her fingers brushing lightly over the head of each bullet in turn until she came to the chamber with the spent round.
"That's four hundred dollars well spent little darling,” the pawnshop owner had said as he handed the gun towards Sandy and placed the money in his pocket. Sandy had reached for the gun but Anna had picked it up.
"That's a sweet forty five.” he said grinning as Anna slowly loaded the pistol. "Just like "Dirty Harry had in the films." Anna thumbed in the last bullet and spun the cylindrical chamber.
"You shoot someone with that young lady and they won't cause you no more trouble,” the pawnshop owner said smiling. Anna had smiled to. Then she raised the gun and fired.
“No more trouble,” Anna mumbled and put the gun in Sandy’s coat pocket then she reached over and recovered the money, now damp with the pawn shop owners blood.
"We should leave now," she said with a grin and hurried from the shop taking Sandy with her. All the way to her car and for the rest of the drive home to her apartment, Sandy listened for the sound of sirens telling her that Anna's crime had been found out. But there had been none, and as the door to her apartment closed behind them, she had finally relaxed enough to allow herself to think about what had happened. Anna's laughter rung in her ears as she leaned over the toilet vomiting violently.
Sandy laid the gun down on the bedside table and walked across to the window. The darkness outside seemed to huddle in corners, away from the street lights as if trying to shelter from the heavy rain falling upon the city. The water poured down to one side of the window where the gutter was blocked with muck and filth. Storm clouds gathered overhead as if promising that this was just a sample of the dark times ahead. Anna smiled as the first of the lightening cut through the sky.
“This is my kind of weather,” she said with a big grin. Sandy just closed her eyes on the scene.
"Why did you kill that pawnshop owner Anna?" she asked, her voice no more than a whisper containing no emotion, just a great sense of weariness. Anna snorted in derision.
"You know exactly why I did it," she muttered. "I did it because you couldn't."
"But why Anna?"
Anna sighed in exasperation. “Because he was scum Sandy! The dregs of humanity. All the stuff in that shop, all the rings, the watches, the televisions, were stolen. Either stolen directly and fenced through that slug or stolen by him for a pittance from people who couldn't afford not to sell. The man was a leech, a parasite. He deserved what he got!”
Sandy sighed. She found it so hard to argue with Anna sometimes. All to often when she looked inside herself she found that she agreed with the sentiments, if not the methods.
Sandy reached out and drew the curtains closed, blocking out the world outside for a while. Moving over to the bed she laid down and stared silently up at the cracked and crumbling ceiling above her. Slowly her mind sorted through the events of the day again, searching, questing, probing for what? For something, for anything that she could hold up before Anna to stop what she knew was coming, but there was nothing.
Anna was right. The pawn shop owner got what he deserved. And as she decided this a tear gently rolled down Sandy's cheek and she wept for her own morality. Sometimes she really hated Anna.
Sandy turned to look upon the gun. Anna’s instrument of retribution. It would be so easy she thought. So easy to reach out and take the gun. To take the gun and kill Anna. But she knew she would not. Sandy knew that in Anna’s death lay her own demise. They were together now as they had been since Anna had first appeared in Sandy’s life. A day that would burn forever in her mind.
The jeers of the other children had rained down upon her with almost as much force as the fists and feet that struck her. She had tried to flee, to escape the torment but had been tripped and as her head struck the concrete they had closed in with the eagerness of the ignorant.
Then Anna showed up. Most of Sandy’s tormentors fled with minor injuries. One had received a broken arm. Two others had been hospitalized. Sandy had been expelled. Anna went with her to her new school though. And again to the next after a similar incident. After that there had been no more trouble. Rumors about Sandy began circulating around, and all the time Anna kept Sandy safe from harm.
“They deserved it too, Sandy,” said Anna her voice perhaps a little softer for just a moment, then back to its normal harsh self. Sandy sighed. Anna always knew what she was thinking.
"They were evil," yawned Anna, as she turned towards the gun. Reaching out a hand Anna caressed the cold metal and smiled darkly as the weapon glittered in the light of the bedside lamp.
"That's what they said about you after what you did to them," accused Sandy but with little conviction. This conversation had played through to often and she knew both sides of it by heart. But then, deep down, she always knew what Anna was going to say. Anna just laughed.
“That isn't what they said and you know it,” Anna retorted with a wicked grin. Sandy lowered her gaze from the gun.
"No," she breathed, her voice no more that a whisper. "They said that I was evil. No one ever blames you."
Anna shrugged. "Can I help that?" she asked with a smile. Sandy fell silent.
For several long minutes there was silence. Anna reached out and picked up the gun. “Time to get started,” she muttered, her voice suddenly serious.
Sandy rose from the bed and walked over to the window and peered out through the crack in the curtains. "Why us?" she whispered, staring out at the rain soaked streets as another round of thunder rolled across the city.
“If not us, then who?” growled Anna, her voice low and menacing. “The law doesn't work and the police can’t deal with the spreading evil.” Anna raised the gun. “Only you and I know how to fight evil, and that is to fight it on it's own level. Our evil against the evil out there.” Anna gazed out of the window, her eyes looking like pits of darkness in the shadows of the room.
Sandy sighed weakly, again feeling the weariness of her spirit, but knowing there would be no rest for her now. Slowly she moved over to the mirror and gazed at her reflection.
“I won't kill,” she said with a voice that was resigned but resolute.
“You won't have to,” replied the reflection of Anna. “I'll do it for you.”
“As long as we are clear on that,” whispered Sandy with a nod at her reflection. In the mirror Anna nodded back.
Sandy reached out with her empty hand, picked up her coat and put it on. Anna removed a bullet from the pocket and replaced the spent round with a new bullet. Sandy pulled up the collar. Anna put the gun in the coat pocket and smiled. Sandy took one last look around the dingy flat. Then Anna stepped out into the night and Sandy went with her in silence.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
It’s now almost 4 am and I am still awake. I tried to lay down earlier, but all I did was toss and turn. I should have been able to sleep like a lamb, because my day in court went like I was expecting. I had to pay around $400 dollars and that closed the case. YEAH!!! I don’t have to fucking go back to court on this charge every again!!! I have to still attend court on something else in August, but I don’t want to have to think about that until then.
I have a couple more things I have to take care of, pay some other mother fuckers some money, and then its time to put my plan in motion.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
I had a big long rant that I was going to post, but I just really don’t feel like it now. I have other stress going on in my life at the moment, but I don’t have to start worrying about it until August. At least for now this charge will be out of my way.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I've been struggling with an illness,
At least that's what I'm told.
It seems that no one can agree,
And I'm just getting old.
It's only supposed to matter
How I really feel, they've said.
But somehow without a label
I'm lost inside my head.
I guess I'll keep on trudging
And dutifully swallowing the pills.
Until somehow they find a "cure"
For whatever are my ills.
Where does one call truce
in the battle with the mind,
forever tweaking medicines
to improve the
quality of life?
When does one settle
for a shell of a former "you,"
and stop striving to improve the
quality of life?
I raise the white flag
I am so tired...
Dark, cold, black, tranquil….
It calls to me like an old friend.
The darkness should frighten me…
Run, flee, far away from the evil one.
My legs are filled with lead.
I remain, knowing what is ahead.
Too weak to fight,
Finally, it comes.
Tender arms engulfing me,
Floating, no pain.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
over here typing because my head is screaming angrily at me
trying to rally other parts of my brain to shout the voices down
I hate myself for thinking like this.
I hate my mind for working this way.
inability to conduct coherent conversations
do excuse me if I go quiet,
or chuck a half-assed rant your way sometime soon.
I'm not feeling so good recently. My mood has switched into something nameless. I can’t describe it; a kind of shaky deadness. It is so strange how you can be okay for a while, enjoy life, live normally, and then, just when you breathe, overnight it all comes back. You’re crazy again, hurt again, suicidal again.
When I am stable, I don’t think about my mood every day, every hour, every minute. When I fully recover from a mood episode, I am horrified at myself, the monster that took over my body for a while. I think back to my meticulous suicide plans and all of the details and it is as frightening to me as if I had planned a murder. And how I acted. The shame, so much shame. Worse than being drunk in front of everyone, but similar in tone.
A few rough days and nights, a heat wave, exhaustion, the mood swings again, and I am back to wishing I weren’t alive. Moreover, I’m so restless and so very fucking angry that I can’t help thinking about jumping off buildings, a giant fuck you to the universe, for giving me everything except the ability to live with it. And for some quiet. To know that I will never, ever, have to do anything I don’t want to do again.
When every moment of every hour of every day consists of something you don’t want to do, and everything you see in the possible next ten years is more of the same.
Do you ever get the urge to run and run and then run some more? I’m not necessarily thinking of the Forest Gump type of leaps and bounds, but just something to shake off the feeling I have right now. I feel so restless that I wish I could be in a field and just run to the mountains, and never look back.
But it’s dark, and 2 in the morning. Besides the roaming bears, wolves, coyotes or cougars would consider me fair game and probably find me hard to resist.
So I think a shot or two of Jack is in order and then it’s time for bed.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Recently this noise has slowly become a roar, and now it’s a pulsating washing machine sound. Kinda like blood being pumped by your ear. In the morning it’s not very bad, but by night time, it has intensified to the point that it causes me to have nausea and makes me feel dizzy. I’ve had vertigo before, so I have already ruled that out. I thought it might be Meniere’s syndrome, but now I’m not sure what to think.
I broke down last Friday and went to the doctor, who did exactly what I figured she would, put me on more medicine, and even increased what I was already taking. But the worst part was after I told her all my symptoms, she thinks I might have a tumor. I guess maybe that explains why here recently I suddenly get a sharp intense headache for no reason. She says it could also be that I had a mild stroke, or my heart could be giving me problems. Whatever it is, she wants me to have several test done within the next week or so.
Yesterday I went in for blood work and urine test. My symptoms were so severe that she wanted me to go to the ER and get fully checked out. But that would mean getting admitted to the hospital. Fuck that!! I don’t feel like spending hours in the ER and then days in the hospital just so they can run some test quicker. I have learned how to live with the lower sound, I will just have to deal with this louder sound until the doctor’s nurse makes me an appointment somewhere in Tulsa in the next couple of weeks or so. Until then, it’s time for a song or two....three....four.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. -- Thomas Edison
Saturday, May 31, 2008
We can hide our secrets in tear-stained night for as long as we want to, but it is only when we chose to bring them out into the light that we can begin to heal.
I feel like I will be dead within a year.
There’s no time for tears.
There is nothing more powerful than finding someone safe to tell "the secret" to. No one knows how hard it is, unless they've been there. Your heart pounds, your body is rock rigid, you grind your teeth, your mouth is dry. You think of all the excuses to keep your mouth shut. They'll get mad. They'll laugh. They'll reject you. They'll treat it like it was nothing and tell you to forget about it. Or worse: they'll be polite, nod their head like they understand, leave and not ever have anything to do with you again. But you have to tell someone, and oh God, please let it be the right one! Finding someone to tell, who's also been through it, is the most incredible healing thing, and the most rare.
I trusted someone with my writings and they read them and read things into them and used them against me.
Like so many of us, the relief of telling the secret was followed by a feeling of "I'm O.K. now that I talked, so it's over." So I told my friend to talk, and keep talking, talk to ME, I understand, and talk anytime you need to for as long as it takes. Don't bury it. You just scratched the surface. Open the wound and let it begin to heal.
I have finally opened the wound...Will it now begin to heal? Or will I just keep scratching at it, never letting the wound disappear?
You'll feel scared, embarrassed, angry and unsure when you first tell the secret to someone. But do it anyway. Those who've walked in your shoes understand the need to keep talking and that there's no shame for things you were too young, too scared, too vulnerable to understand, or to even stop.
Telling the secret is the only way to break the shame that binds your heart.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
I want to use something to help me lose weight, but I’m not sure about using the hardcore stuff. Still, I think I dropped a couple pounds just being active for most of the night and day. Now though, my body is starting to feel like crap, and I have completely lost the hearing in my right ear. Don’t know if I’m going deaf, if its the drugs I did, vertigo, Ménière's syndrome, if its from all the ear infections I use to have while going up that went untreated or if its a combination of all the above. Whatever it is, it sure sucks, and is making me feel a lot worse.
From around the age of 8 to 16, I had probably around 40 to 50 ear infections from going swimming in the summertime. I was told by a relative that I probably had swimmers ear, which causes repeated ear infections. Problem was every time I got one, my parents wouldn’t or couldn’t afford to take me to the doctor to get it treated. Many nights during the summer I would stay awake all night holding my ears, crying because the pain was intolerable. The only thing my parents would say was to tell me to stop my damn crying, because they didn’t want to hear me.
Well, I’ve got to try and get some sleep, the boys will be back tomorrow, so I have to pull myself together. Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
This shit fucks up my mind, but I feel like I've already drop a few pounds. My friend is staying for the night, providing all the free stuff I want...so what the hell...might as well have some fun. At least shit is getting done.
Can't sit still...gotta go.
Everyone have a great Memorial day weekend.
A friend of mine saw I was online and hit to tell me she had some really good gogo, and wanted to know if I wanted some. She knows I've been struggling to lose a few pounds so I told her why not. She should be here in a little while and we'll probabaly be up the rest of the night smoking meth. At least I won't be eating for a while.
She's here...everyone have a safe night.
I tossed. I turned. I grumbled. I surfed the web. I read for a while. I roamed the house pacing like a crazed animal frustrated... "if I went to sleep right NOW, I'd get 5 hours" ...then 4 hours... then 3 hours..
Then fuck it. Why bother at all?
No sleep + no food + diet pills, er I mean "vitamins" = has me on some kinda jacked up buzz that is bordering on delirium.
I even took a pic of myself with my new camera in my bathroom mirror. I was gonna post it here with a clever caption saying "this is your brain with no sleep" but no way am I posting that here... I look like I'm strung out on crack or something.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Tuesday I woke up with what I first thought was a severe case of Vertigo. If you don’t know what that is look it up, but basically it is a inner ear imbalance, which causes nausea, head spinning, and other symptoms that basically will put you on your ass until it passes. I’ve had it in the past and had to go the ER, but this time I decided to fight it alone.
Problem was this time the symptoms were a little worse and now I’m beginning to believe it might be Ménière's syndrome. I had a complete loss of balance, severe hearing loss in my right ear, along with a loud ringing sensation. Whenever I stood I felt severe dizziness, things seem to be spinning around, I was also had nausea and I broke out in a hard sweat. Guess I should have went to the Doctor, but after two days it finally went away after I took a few Benadryl for sinus and cold, my symptoms ease up enough that I could function.
Thursday I was finally feeling well enough to make it to Wal-Mart to do a little grocery shopping. Since the boys were out of school for the summer, I knew I would have to pick up few extra groceries to keep them fed. Still, before I left the house I decided to take a Reglan to help with the nausea I was still having. Dumb ass me, I forget that the Reglan causes muscle contractions and helps to empty my stomach quicker. So, I’m walking through Wal-Mart and I’m just about finished with my shopping when a cramp slams my lower stomach. It feels like a fart so I begin thinking I can just ease it out while I’m walking down one of the isles. I get about in the middle of one isle and I don’t see any one else, so I start to ease it out, when suddenly an elderly couple begin walking my way. I squeeze my ass cheeks together tightly and continue walking on around to the next isle.
Ahhhh, I think, this isle is completely abandoned, so I secretly smile to myself and walk to the middle of the isle and begin once again to slowly ease out a massive fart that is building deep in my gut. I give a little push and nothing happens, so I try to push a little harder and I suddenly realize... IT IS NOT A FART!! I felt my eyes go wide, and my mind begins screaming RETREAT!! RETREAT!! Now instead of pushing out, I’m trying to suck it back up inside my stomach.
I have just two more isle to go and I’m finished with my shopping, so dumb ass me decides I can wait, but my stomach has another idea. I’m at the fruit isle when my stomach screams at me telling me I need to find a bathroom now!! Ignoring the rest of my shopping I make it as quickly as possible to the front of the store. I see the bathroom sign and begin walking in still tightly squeezing my ass cheeks together. I’ve never been in this bathroom and notice there are two ways I can go, so I begin wondering am I walking into the men’s room? Then my body reminds me of what I’m there for and tells my mind, “ I don’t care if this is the men’s room....YOU HAVE TO SHIT NOW!!”
I hate taking a dump in another toilet other than my own at home, but in an emergency you do what you have to do. One quick push and it was all out and my stomach cramps retreat. I finish and walk out to wash my hands and see another woman, so I smile to myself, thankful that I hadn’t walk into the wrong bathroom.
When I get home from Wal-Mart I find I have a house full of teenage boys. Most of them I knew, but a couple of them were strangers. At first my mind begins thinking, this can’t be good, and what kind of trouble might suddenly happen with that many teen boys. But then my 15-year-old son ask me if it’s okay for them to fill water balloons. My mind relaxes knowing at heart he is still my little boy. They filled up over 200 water balloons, which probably cost my 20 dollars, but they had fun.
After they all got soaked, they came in, changed into dry clothes that they had brought with them, and sat down to play video games. About an hour later after everyone leaves, I get a call from one of the new boys mom who wanted to meet me...before her son spent the night at my house. Even though my son hasn’t said anything to me about someone spending the night, I figure why not...I didn’t know what else to say. I tell her sure it will be okay, and then she goes on asking me one hundred questions. She then tells me her son, who is 16, has never spent a night away from home. WOW!! And I always thought I was protective of my boys. She finally agrees that it will be okay, but she still wants to come by and meet me.
Ten minutes later she shows up and I invite her in. She looks around like she’s expecting to see something horrible, but after a long look around she smiles and agrees that it will be okay for her son to stay the night at my house. I felt like I was being inspected. I guess its good to know that my house was proper enough for her. We step back outside and continue talking about the boys for another 15 minutes before the rest of the boys return with their with camping gear and over night bags. This is when I’m finally told by my son that all his friends want to spend the night in tents in the backyard. I have the hardest time saying no to people, especially my boys, and so I agreed.
They set up the tents, then play a little basketball in the backyard before coming inside to play video games and munch on some pop and chips. Around this time my next door neighbor calls me and wants to know if I want a frozen margarita...sure bring one over I tell her. I finish my drink in about 20 minutes, and my head is already being to feel the effects. She asks if I want another, and decide why not, so we head over to her place for another one. The boys are old enough and I felt they could safely keep themselves entertained for a little while, so I stay at her house and finish off a second drink.
The second one was stronger than the first one, plus I’m drinking it through a straw, quickly so I can go back and check in on the boys. I stumble over to my house and look in to see them all still playing videos games. Back to my friends house I went, for yet another drink and to smoke in her backyard. By the time I finish the third drink, I beginning to notice my face feels numb, and everything is suddenly funny as hell.
When I do drink, I usually stay in a good mood as long as there is no jackass around to put me in a bad mood. Between the drinking and smoking, I begin telling my friend about my little problem I had a Wal-Mart. We both begin laughing so hard, that if the neighbors had been awake they would have heard our roars of laughter clearly. My friend then tells me she had the same problem the other day, but when she pushed a little too hard she made a nasty mess on herself. Again the laughter rang out loudly throughout the night air, and I didn’t care that all the laughing was making my sides hurt and my cheeks to ache...it felt great.
We went inside for a 4th drink, when a Junebug landed on my exposed big toe. I immediately sling my foot skyward, sending the little bugger flying across the room, smacking into the cabinet with a loud thud. We roar with laughter. It amazes me how little things like that are so funny when intoxicated.
Around 2:00am, I cautiously make it back to my house to put the boys in their tents for the night. And of course my drunk mind thinks it will be cool to get online and post some crazy shit. I posted one blog without correcting any of my mistakes and decided to leave it up, but just a couple minutes after that post, I thought of more shit to say. Problem was, it was some things I should have really kept to myself. I’m sorry if I pissed anyone off, I was just drunk and talking crazy shit. When I read that post this morning I quickly removed it, before anyone else could read it. In all there were only 8 other people who read the post, and only 3 were from around in the Tulsa County area. If you were one of the people I mentioned in the post...forgive me...I meant no harm...it was just the drunk in me letting off a little steam.
I have more to say, but I’ll save it until the next post, this one has already gotten to be too damn long. Hope everyone has a safe holiday weekend.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Jen you are one cool ass person...I hope th bitch rots in hell for what she did to you.
Man my stomach is rocking right now...I know I'm going to be throwing up in a few hours. Last time I got this drunk I puked for two days. I'm burping Pringles exytreme kickin cheddar chips...god I know I'm going to be throwing up in a couple hours. fuck!!!
And this is the wrong damn night to be doing this shit. I have 5 teenage boys staying at my house tonight. And all their parents trust me to watch them. shit I'm a fuck up. but people seem to like me alot once they get to know me.
My face is numb and I'm fuckinhg hot!!! I hate the goddamn summer time. I wish I was living somewhere where the weather is around 60 year round. I hate talking to my boys when I'm drunk...but I needed to get drunk...its been too damn long.
Gotta go lay down. Drunk...shit.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I didn’t make it to sleep last night until the sun started shinning through the small pin holes in the foil that covers my bedroom window. Then I woke right back up around 8:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I just laid there staring at the sun brightly beaming its way just over my head to the wall on the other side of the room. Around 10:30 I forced myself into the shower and got ready to take my older son to graduation so he could play for the band.
I dropped him off and then headed to the Cricket store to return/replace his phone that he bought just one month ago. He bought it in Glenpool, but was told that they couldn’t replace it, even if it was still under warranty, but he could get a new one or have that one fixed if it took it to one of the many places in Tulsa. This was when my frustrations first began. The first store at 21st and Yale was busy, but the worst part was a couple of men in front of me were exchanging heated words with the bitch at the counter.
I went ahead and waited several minutes while they exchanged words, only to find out when it was suppose to be my turn, I was then told I needed to take a number and wait. Knowing that at least 15 other people had come in after me, I said fuck it and walked the hell out. They should have had a sign up near the door that tells people to take a number then wait!!
Took a couple deep breathes and headed off to the next store at 31st and Sheridan. There they couldn’t do anything about it, and told me I would have to take it to another store on down at 31st and Mingo. I get there and once again a long line. I wait and wait for over 30 minutes and they still haven’t finished with the first customer that was in the store when I first walked in! Finally another person shows up to help customers, but only with making a payment. ONE fucking person steps over to her, and that is all she is going to fucking do! I finally step to her and interrupt her speech about she was only taking payments, and quickly say, “I just need to ask a question.”
I quickly tell her the problem and she tells me I’ll have to take it to the another place and pay to have it fixed. Fourth stop!!! They can’t do anything, but they might be able to order some parts and it will cost around $45.00...STILL it might not fix it completely!! By now I’m ready to fucking scream at the top of my lungs, launch my sons damn phone against a wall or up against the sorry ass mother fucker who sold him the fucked up phone.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
I stop off at a friends house to calm myself down with a joint or two, which actually turned into a blunt and 3 joints. After getting high, we started talking about how my last court date went, when he broke in and started telling me he has a $10,000 dollar warrant for his arrest. I begin to lose my high when I realize how easily I could be caught up in some shit if the boys in blue come knocking on his door. I swear I have no fucking friends who are straight! He went on to tell me the warrant was for domestic violence from when he broke up with his last girlfriend and beat the shit out of her causing her to lose the baby she was carrying. What a fucking dumbass!!
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Safely got away from that side of town and headed back towards Warehouse Market for a little grocery shopping. I go to pull into a parking spot and this fucking white CUNT bitch pulls in front of me from the other direction, taking the spot I was about to pull into. I swear to God I wanted to pull the stunt Kathy Bates did in Fried Green Tomatoes when she ram into two bitches car that had pulled in front of her. That’s when the first thought hit me strong...I wanted a fucking gun so I could walk up to the bitch, put the gun to her fucking head and say, “So you think you’re fucking cute?!!? You are nothing but a rude as bitch that needs to be laying dead in a ditch somewhere!! FUCKING CUNT!!!”
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Stopped off at a pawn shop to check and see if they had any TV’s that were reasonably priced. BAD mistake! The second I stepped in the door the line was right there where you could barely even step in the door. I thought well I would just go ahead and take a quick look at what they had, and stepped around a young black girl that was waiting in line standing right in front of the door. I stepped around her, but brushing up against her lightly. Immediately her ignorant nigger ass starts loud talking how I touched her and didn’t say excuse me. I ignore her at first and look around as she continues calling me a bitch.
At this point I am on the verge of wanting to grab this fucking bitch around her throat and strangle her until she can no longer breathe!! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate black people, but I hate fucking people who act like niggers. Like the white bitch in the parking lot, she is a fucking nigger too!!! And the God damn ignorant non-English-speaking Spanish bitch from the Cricket store. FUCK!!! This has just been a small part of my day. Tomorrow had fucking better be a little more calm, or I swear to God I’m going to buy an illegal gun and go around killing up some stupid mother fuckers!!!
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Friday, May 16, 2008
I was just thankful that when Monday rolled around I didn’t have to go to court. It cost me $375 for an attorney , but he went to court for me. I’ll have to appear sometime in June, but for now I don’t have to worry about anything. It’s not going to be bad anyway, I already found out that I should just have to pay a fine and it will be over with, so I’m not really concerned about the outcome.
I still haven’t gone back to taken Reglan yet. My mind feels better and my depression isn’t weighing on me as heavy as it was before, but now my stomach is tearing me up most days. It’s kinda like having monthly cramps everyday without the pain and bloating letting up. I may need to go back to the doctor, but I hate going to them, because every time they want to put me on something else and not tell me about all the possible side effects. I hate feeling like a guinea pig.
One thing that I was reminded of when I went to meet/speak with my attorney, was my right to freedom of speech. While talking about my case, I had to go back to the beginning and tell why I was originally arrested and what all took place. In the end, it was all linked back to this blog and the things I have posted on this site that led law enforcement to my house. Pointing this fact out and staring it squarely in the face, I have to ask myself if I should continue to post on this blog. I didn’t mind to much when it was a stranger reading about my crazy thoughts, but when people who know who I am began reading the blog, I felt like I lost a little of my right to free speech. I began censoring myself, afraid of what people who know who I am, think about me.
So I can continue my struggle to find myself, I started another blog under one of my other screen names, so I will once again enjoy my right to free speech. If you are a good detective, you can find the other blogs ...maybe. Today, I don’t care what others think, or if you think I’m crazy, insane, and in need of medication. These are my psycho thoughts, and I have every right to put out there for the world to see, anything that my mind creates.
A little over two years ago when I started this blog, I kept it private where only I could read what was posted. But then I began exploring the internet and talked to many people who suggested that by telling my story, instead of keeping it to myself, I could and would begin to heal and recover from my past trauma. At first I was really embarrassed letting people know, even if they were strangers online, what was going on in my mind some days. Letting strangers glance into a small part of my life, has helped me to understand that I am not alone, and other people have trauma or drama also in their lives. More important was the fact that these people who also suffered, were able to make it to another day. And I guess that’s all I really have to do, is make it to the next day. I don’t know about the day after, or a month from now, but for right now I’m just trying to make it till tomorrow.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
- Robin Williams
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
- Katharine Hepburn
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I Read Banned Books
Free Speech...Don’t Get over it.
Thou shalt not taser thy brother.
Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.
Censorship is for Pussies and cry babies.
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a person hits their thumb with a hammer.
I have a 500 thoughts running through my head, but none of them are connected.
When life gets you down, step on a slug barefoot. It'll make everything else seem trivial.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
No more can I fight.
I just want to kill you
I want to end it tonight.
Your voice is like nails
On a chalkboard in my brain,
It pushes me to slit your throat,
Finally ending this fucking pain.
You bring memories to mind,
That I’d rather forget,
Hatred; rage; fear,
You aren’t clear of me yet.
Each action; each word.
Simply drove me insane,
I tried to resist,
But my effort was all in vain.
It’s finally over,
My burden is lifted,
But basking in blood,
My mind’s quickly shifted.
Undeserved fate for one not all bad,
Now turn the knife to myself,
I’m so fucking sorry and sad.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
I didn’t go out tonight like I had planned, because last night I re-injured my right knee once again. I had went outside to check on the storms and noticed some of my trash had blown out of the trashcan. I was picking it up, when my right foot slid on a wet, slimy area near the sidewalk and down I fucking went like a brick being dropped from a 50 story building. At first the pain was so intense that I thought I would have to lay there until someone came along, but that soon turned into an embarrassing thought.
Took me a minute to recover enough to drag myself up off the ground and into the garage. After making it into the house, my only happy thought was that it was around midnight and no one hopefully saw it happen. I made it to my bedroom where I quickly found a pain pill and swallowed it without a drink.
Today I’ve been walking around slowly, but at least its not quite as bad as I first thought it was going to be. My calf muscle feels like I’ve walked 20 miles without stopping for a break, and there is some swelling behind and around my knee. It’s enough pain that I won’t feel like moving around much for a couple days.
Guess it’s just another one of God’s hands slapping me in the face...or knee as the case may be. He must really hate me.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Anyway, about 10 days ago, I stopped taking the medicine, mostly because I was too fucking lazy to get off my ass and get the prescription filled again. After not taking the medicine for three days, I noticed a drastic change in my mood. Most of my suicidal thoughts that I’ve been having for around two years now, disappeared. At first I thought it was just because I was about to go through another manic phase, but it felt very different this time.
As more days pass the better my moods seem to be, and I feel my mind is a lot clearer now. The best part is my insomnia seems to be disappearing...well at least for now anyway. I’m not totally sure it’s because I stopped taking the Reglan, but I’m going to go without it for another week and see if it continues to make a difference in how I feel daily.
Before I posted this I decided to google Reglan and see what I could find out...guess I might be right. I found out that it can cause depression, and since I already have depression its making it worse. The other thing I found out is that I should have only taken the medicine for 12 weeks...I’ve been on the shit for 2 fucking years!!
Here is some of the things I found out:
Most important fact about Reglan (in big bold lettering)
Reglan may cause mild to severe depression. If you have suffered from depression in the past, make sure your doctor is aware of it. Reglan may not be the best drug for you.
Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Stop using Reglan and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
tremors, or restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck;
mask-like appearance of the face;
fever, stiff muscles, confusion, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats, rapid breathing;
depressed mood, thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself;
hallucinations, anxiety, agitation, jittery feeling, trouble staying still;
swelling, fluid retention;
jaundice (yellowing of your skin or eyes); or
feeling restless, drowsy, tired, or dizzy;
headache, sleep problems (insomnia);
breast tenderness or swelling;
changes in your menstrual periods; or
urinating more than usual.
Okay, so I now have this choice to make, stay on the drug to help with calming my stomach down, but I would still have to deal with all the side effects. On the other hand, I do without the drug and let my stomach do whatever it wants and not have to deal with all the side effects. I’m just not sure what I should do. For now it feels good to not have sucidial thoughts.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The sun arises in the early morning sky.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I wasn’t going to write about my weekend adventure, mostly because I haven’t felt like writing, or doing anything else for that matter. So hopefully this will help to bring me out of deteriorating mood that I’ve been in the past couple of days.
People having been telling me if I get out and do things that will make my moods better, so when a friend called and wanted to know if I wanted to go riding around with them, I thought why not I wasn’t doing anything else, except for sitting on my fat ass staring blankly at the dingy white walls around me.
My boys stayed with their dad, so I didn’t have to worry about them, even though they are old enough to be left alone for a few hours. My friends picked me up around 8 and we drove into Tulsa, after stopping off and picking up a 5th of Tequila from the local liquor store. We then stopped at my friends house, where we smoked a blunt and started in on the Tequila. I hadn’t smoked since I got arrested back on the 2 of April, so I quickly became high, which felt really great. Best mood I’ve been in for days.
There are some weeds when you smoke them they make you feel laid back and relaxed, where other weeds have the opposite effect, anyway on me they do. Well, this was one of the those other kinds of marijuana where when you smoke it, you want to get up and do a thousand things. You can’t sit still, you feel restless and most of the time I want to get up and clean something after smoking. Problem was I was at someone else’s house, so I had to sit there shifting back and forth in my seat while my friend made call after call. I was starting to regret coming, and thought about what I would be doing if I were at home....alone. Not a good thought, I was better off getting drunk and high. I took another huge drink.
Finally my friend hung up with a big smile on his face, and told us it was time to head out. While driving we passed around the bottle and enjoyed listing to the songs being played on the radio, until we made it to a house on the west side of town. My friend ran in and came back out just a few minutes later with a giant duffle bag. He quickly opened up the trunk of the car and sat the bag inside, then jumped back into the drivers seat. Immediately the strong odor of marijuana filled the car. Panic mode set in. Am I going to regret anything in the morning? Will I be waking up in jail cell? Little thoughts like these are scrambling around in my brain, making it hurt. I’m still in a little hot water for the other charge, so I damn straight didn’t want another one, or have to call another friend to come bail me out of jail. I sit back deep into the seat, take a few deep breathes and another sip from the bottle.
We safely made it back to his place, where he took the bag out and we all went back inside, sat down to smoke some more. It was then that I saw what all was in the duffle bag, over 5 pounds of bricked up marijuana. My mind begins racing, wondering what the fuck I was doing there at their house. I don’t want to be caught up in any crap, so I begin questioning, in my head, the friendship I have with them. I don’t have a lot of friends, but most of the friends that I do have are all drug addicts. I don’t have a single friend who is straight. So, if I decide not to hang around them, then I’m left alone with my crazy thoughts. Neither one is a good option, but in the end my mind thought, I would rather hang with someone than be totally alone. I just went along with things. Whatever happened would just have to happen.
After several rounds of drinks and joints being passed around, my friend broke down most of the weed into different bags and then placed it all back into the duffle bag. We then got back into the car and drove around to different places delivering the product to people he knew. While they went in the houses I just sat alone in the back seat cradling the bottle of Tequila.
Somewhere around midnight, we stopped at a place in Tulsa called Sharky’s. My friend told me he had to drop off one last package to someone inside, then we would head back to his place. At this point, I was so drunk I could barely stand, but I had to pee so bad I got out the car to go inside to the bathroom. From outside I looked in and saw my neighbor, and being drunk I thought I would sneak up on her and scare the crap out of her. Just for a little fun.
So, I’m tiptoeing drunkenly my way towards her, when I look up and notice who she is talking to. I damn near peed on myself! My heart felt like it was going to explode when I saw two local police officers standing there talking to her. They know who I am, and one of them I have been told is now working with the DEA. Shit! My mind screams. I backed off real fast. Even though they weren’t in their uniforms, and look a lot smaller out of their uniforms, they still scared the crap out of me. I quickly made it back to the car, praying they hadn’t they seen me.
I get into the backseat of the car, when suddenly in my mouth there is a party going on and everyone is throwing up. I promptly open the back door, and upchuck everything I had for dinner. When my friends all returned and see the puke beside the car, I requested that I be taken home for the night. I had enough excitement. And people wonder why I don’t want to leave my house some days.
The hardest thing I've had to learn in life, is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
After all the lawyers finished talking to the Judge, they called the people who were in jail, and then they finally started calling names of people in the courtroom. Four of the people they called had returned without lawyers, so they were told to have a seat in the jury box area. The woman Judge got pissed when one lady tried to explain why she wasn’t being represented by an attorney. “If you can bond out of jail, you can pay for an attorney. Now go sit in the jury box,” the Judge harshly said to her. Don’t know if she went to jail or not, I got to leave before anything happened.
As I sat in the courtroom waiting on my name to be called, I kept expecting something bad to happen. Like me being told to go sit in the jury box with the other 4 people, or ‘Baker’ would show up, since my neighbor seems to think he’s the one out to get me, as she put it. If I have pissed you off that much ‘Baker’ I’m sorry, forgive me.
The closer down the line of alphabetical names went, the more nervous I became. I hate it when it gets close to my name being called, my heart starts racing and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack, or I want to throw-up, but today I fought it off. When the Judge called my name I stood up, and she said, “Charges have been dropped. You are free to go.” I could barely believe what she had said and I almost wanted to turn to another person and ask them if that’s what she really said. (I hope that is what she said, and my mind wasn't playing games with me.) I walked out of the courthouse with the biggest smile I’ve probably had in months. It felt good.
Now I just have to worry about my other charge. I go back to court on May 12, with an attorney. I got a call back from one today, and she told me it would cost me $500, half now and the rest later. I’m going to check around with a couple other places and see if I can get one cheaper...probably not. At least I don’t have to worry about it for a few weeks yet.
Monday, April 21, 2008
I feel as though I will drown.
I feel as though I will explode.
Last attempt to communicate from a private hell
Razor cuts into the vein,
not to lose, not to gain;
simply just to ease my pain.
Others see me as a survivor
Who’s mastered all the pain,
But underneath the mask I wear
I think I’m insane.
The branches of my path
Are like shattered glass.
Tiptoeing through the grass
Trying not to think about my past.
Locked in my dark cage,
searching for the key,
waiting for someone
to please rescue me.
Lost in my chaotic mind
"God, are you real?"
"Am I wrong for asking?"
"Do you know how I feel?"
These voices inside they won't go away.
Try as I might there determined to stay.
It's an illusion a mask of shame.
They think I'm crazy but how can I make them see
This really is not me.
I’ve been referred to by hateful names,
At times my perception of reality,
Can be very different from yours.
To me it can feel like a nightmare,
I cannot awaken from.
I am feel buried alive
Inside the madness.
DIRTY! DECAYING! PUTRID! ROTTING FLESH! Rising up inside of me.
Currently on my other hand I have full-blown mania, which cause me to sometimes do outlandish, unpredictable, impulsive things with no thought for the consequences. On these days, I sleep very little, and even prescription sleeping medications have very little effect on me. I will also have increased difficulty in concentrating and paying attention to detail. But what I hate the most is the angry. It comes without warning, and I will explode with vicious, vulgar language at any given moment.
Sometimes I have wild aspirations of changing the world, thoughts racing at mach speed, starting numerous projects (and never finishing them!) then, crashing so low that nothing matters anymore.