Monday, June 12, 2006

Today, I cut myself.

I need to empty my mind again so here goes my ramblings, and we’ll see if it helps me to sleep a little better.

Last week I had appointments set up to once again to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I went to Parkside (our local nut house) and saw a intake counselor to ‘evaluate’ my needs. I already knew what I needed, it was just the going through the process to get the help that I need that really sucks.

Part of getting my license back is going to intensive outpatient treatment, so I want to do that but also I know inside I need some sort of ‘intervention’ again.
After 2 hours of being asked ever question about my state of mind, the counselor set me up into the outpatient drug treatment class, which wasn’t going to cost me a dime, that’s why I decided to go there. He also set me up with a psychiatrist and therapist, one appointment after the other. The only catch was the appointments weren’t for a couple of weeks. I thought okay great, I can wait that long, because I know when I finally tell more of my secrets I’m going to feel some relief….Right?
Things never work out right for me.
The counselor told me the out-patient drug treatment could start the next week, but the problem was the only time the they held the class was from 9:00am to 12noon, and I couldn’t find a way to get there. The more I thought about it, the more I decided to just wait until the kids go back to school then I try again. The next day the therapist I was going to see calls me, and I tell her I have to wait because I don’t have transportation during the morning hours. Somehow she took that as I wasn’t going to come to any of the appointments, and she cancels both of my other appointments without telling me.
As the day nears to my appointment I’m actually feeling some sort of relief knowing that I’m soon going to be emptying my mind. The morning of my appointment I’m up early and go out to get the mail from the previous day that I forgot to get, and there’s this letter from Parkside. I’m thinking they are just confirming my appointments, but I open it and it states that my case has been closed.

WTF? So I call Parkside and ask what’s going on. The therapist that I’m supposed to see isn’t in her office, she’s gone for the day. I then ask about the appointment for the Psychiatrist and of course he is already gone for the day. I’m thinking, okay this must be fate. Or something. Every time I try to see someone it never works out. Why?
I was glad the boys were gone to the pool, but then again if they would have been there I probably wouldn’t have cut myself. I never do things like that when they are around. It was nothing serious, just enough to bring a little blood, and give me a feeling that helped to temporarily wake me up. I had to do something or I might have done something that I would have really regretted.
I need to collect my thoughts.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Geez what a dumbass - I hope those "boys" are not your kids!

MsPsycho said...

Yes, 'those boys' are my kids, and they are perfectly fine. They are 13 and almost 16 years old, and will have a better life than I could have every possibly imagined. Nothing that I secertly do interfers with their life. These are my secrets and not for them to know about. Besides what does me cutting myself have to do with their well being?

Anonymous said...

Are you serious? What does it have to do with their well being? How about having a mother who is stable? Do you think they don't possibly pick up on "your secrets?" Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. I haven't even read your blog, just the part that I responded to, but I'd like to tell you to get over your self pity, and grow up.

MsPsycho said...

You really should read a lot more of my blog before you decide how horrible of a person I am.

Have you ever heard of split personalities? I have done a lot of research and I believe I fall into that catagory. Which in a strange way it has helped me to be as normal as I can possibly be around my boys.
Like now they are in the back yard with their friends in our small pool having a great time. Later we will play video games, do a few chores, watch some TV, talk and just be normal. Earlier today I took them and our dog to the park for a walk, tomorrow we will go to the lake for several hours. When they are worn out for the day, I will tell them I love them and then put them to bed.
Now it's late at night, they have been asleep for over an hour, and it is my time to become the other person that I keep so well hidden from everybody around me. It is a time to free my mind of all the crazy thoughts that I have kept inside since childhood.
I learned how to do this when growing up, when things got bad I just went somewhere else and became someone who could deal with what was going on.
The worst my boys will ever have to deal with is being yelled at a little too loud when they don't do something they were told to do, or they get grounded for something, just like any other teenage boys.
The things I write about on my blog they will never know about or expereince until they are grown enough to fully understand.

Anonymous said...

Have you sought professional help? I am an RN and have worked in the psychiatric field. I also am a person who suffered abuse of all kinds: sexual, physical, mental...and swore to myself that I would never let that define me or determine who I would be when I grew up. If horrible things were done to you as an innocent child, they are over now. Don't let your tormentors win. Be strong, be in control, and be healthy. Please, if you haven't sought help before, do it now. ps - I still haven't read your blog - but I will. I am praying for you...dumbass! ;-)

MsPsycho said...

Read my blog and you will see that I have tried many times to seek professional help. It never works out.
I figured out a long time ago this is who I am...I just have to learn how to live with it.

I don't think praying for me will help. You of all people should know that....did God ever help you just one time when you were being abused as a child?
I cried out to God so many times. After years of not getting an answer I finally gave up on God and discovered my life really wasn't any different with God in it or not.

Three times in a row, in less than 3 months of trying in get help and it has failed each time. I give, and choose to live this way. The best that I possibly can.

Anonymous said...

That is a lie. I have prayed to god many times before and he has helped me greatly.

MsPsycho said...

If there is a God...he forgets about me everyday.

Anonymous said...

God forgets about NO ONE.
______

Anonymous said...

What you need to do is: no matter what, allways trust in Him.

MsPsycho said...

How can you trust in someone that you have cried out to many times, and they did not respond?

What can God do for me that I can not do for myself?

I have nothing against those who believe...if they feel the need to believe in something to make their lives better...then go for it. I just don't believe that praying to a unseen person in the sky is going to make my day any better.

Anonymous said...

Like I said: always trust in Him, even if it seems that He isn't lisning, He is, and He is always there for you.

MsPsycho said...

Tell me where he(God) was when I was being sexually, psychically, and mentally abused by my father at the young age of five? Where was he when I was being raped by a highway patrolman at age 18? Where was he all those times when I truely needed someone?

I noticed -anonymous- you are from the Tulsa, Glenpool area...Can I ask what brought you to my site?

And Why do you care if God is there for me? Just curious.

Anonymous said...

I care that God is there for you because I don't want you to go to hell. He is there for you, and I have been praying for you.




PS: not from Tusla.

MsPsycho said...

If you honestly believe that it will help...pray for me then...can't hurt at this point.
And as far as hell goes, I feel I live there everyday already.

P.S. I'm from the Glenpool area, maybe we've already met, and we just didn't know.

Anonymous said...

My state dosn't even border yours, so we could have never met. And I just want you to know: God is always there for you.




PS: you think your life is bad now... Wait till you get to hell.

MsPsycho said...

Hell can't be much worse than what I'm already going through. Maybe you've just never had to feel the type of pain that I've gone through and still live the pain every day.

If God is there for me, then He is going to have to prove it to me before I will ever believe.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that you beleve that.

MsPsycho said...

Just curious...what made you believer? Did you just grow up believing, or was it later in life that you found God?

And if you don't mind me asking, where are you from?

Anonymous said...

Well, I became a Christian when I was yong, but God has helped me many times in my life. I feel sory for you, and I want the best for you, that is why I am praying for you.All I can tell you is I live in one of the center states.

MsPsycho said...

Hi again anonymous...lol...hope you had a great Fourth of July.

I've been on vacation for the past few days...stayed at a cabin at Lake Keystone with my boys. It was the first vacation that I've been on in over 18 years. I've just never had the money before, and it will probably be the last vacation that I'll be able to take, because once again something 'bad' has happened in my life. My money situation has changed, and honestly unless someone ...God or whoever...feels that my writing is good enough to be published, I don't foresee me making any more money than I am now.
I prayed when I was younger for God to someday make me a great writer: I prayed to God asking him to please stop some of the emotional pain that I was feeling when growing up: I prayed more times than I can remember, but none of my prays were answered. I only received more heartache.

Pray for me if you think it will help...but pray for money...because that is the only thing that is going to keep a roof over my head. If I don't figure out a way by next month, I may not have a place to live. But that's okay...I'm slowly getting use to all the 'leg sweeps' that God or the Devil gives to me everyday.

Tell me about the ways that God has helped you...You can post it here or if you want you can send me an email...

fukitsacoldworld@yahoo.com

Take care...MsPsycho

Anonymous said...

Hey, Thank you... I had a great 4th. We shot of fireworks late at night. God has helped me when I was in time of need, when I was thinging bad thoughts, I prayed to God and he helped me. My sister was struggling, and my mother prayed and prayed... And now my sister has a nice place and a good job. I hope that you get some money in, and happy 4th of july!!!

Anonymous said...

That is: thinking. Sorry for the mispelling in that last comment.

MsPsycho said...

Hey don't worry about the spelling...I too sometimes hit the wrong key or just flat out spell something wrong...lol

Glad you had a great 4th...mine could have been a little better, but with my bad luck, I guess that was the best I could have hoped for.

Thinking bad thoughts, is almost a daily thing for me. It's hard trying not to think about all the horrible wrongs that have taken place in my life. I use to take medicine for the 'bad thoughts' but I stopped taking everything a few years ago. I decieded I would rather live with my depression, than to live with all the crazy side effects that come from taking some pill.

Who knows...maybe someday God will find me.

Anonymous said...

I've Been praying like heck for you.

Anonymous said...

You're full of fucking shit. And that cut is weak; it's just a scratch! You're too much of a chicken shit pussy to cut yourself like a REAL cutter. All you are is a whinebag manipulative fuck that needs to concoct excuses to justify your shitty actions. I don't believe you were raped or abused, I think you're just a poor white trash mudshark that needs reasons to justify your subhuman behavior!

MsPsycho said...

Well, for one that what not my cut...that was just for show...it's some pic I found online.

I did not want to show the real cut....it was bad, but has now long ago healed.

Quote: "I don't believe you were raped or abused"

Because of that kind of belief, is why I never wanted to tell anyone. All the abuse that I talk about happened before the age of 18.I'm not in my 40's.

MsPsycho said...

I meant to say that was not a pic of me being cut...

And if you think you know me so well, then tell me...do I have a prison record and for what? Do I have a brother in Prison for murder? Did my brothers get shot when they were younger? Did I threaten Baker or Dogboy?...hmmm...only with a fake gun...it wasn't real. I could never shoot another person. But I bet you could and would in a heart beat. That's why I like fucking with people like you...maybe you can do what I'm to 'chicken to do'.

I'll be the first one to admit that I'm a fucking chicken when it comes to killing myself. But really most of the time I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted the way I was feeling to go away.

Believe whatever you choose to believe.