Thursday, March 09, 2006

Suicide: I'm six feet from the edge.

If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself, but to put myself back together again.

Today I decided on my suicide plan. I’ve never really thought about one before, and I’m not fully sure why I feel the need to have one now, but I can’t put it out of my mind.

I somehow hope that by writing it down and posting it will help me free my mind. Anyway that’s what different therapists have told me over the years, but damn I didn’t even want to talk about the things that happened in my past, let alone write them down and let people from around the world read how fucked up my life was/is. But shit if I don’t get this stuff out of my head I think I’m going to explode.

I’ve been thinking about the past too much over the past 2 years, trying to get everything out of system so that I can supposedly recover from all my unwanted feelings. Writing about things that happened to me in my past sometimes, no most of the time, made me ill to my stomach. And after writing about something really difficult, I barely slept that night, but I somehow managed to write it all down. I’m not sure if I feel free yet, but now I don’t think about the things that were done to me every moment of my day. I’ve let some of it go.

Every time I injured myself in some way in the past, I was usually reacting on the spur of the moment because of some stressful situation that I was facing. I guess that’s where I’m at again, trying to look for the light through the pouring rain. I feel like a failure, and at 40 I’m not sure if change will ever be possible. Sometimes you dig to deep of a hole, you can’t crawl out anymore. Dirt is starting to cave in around my head. I’m tried of fighting, I’ve been fighting depression for years, and I don’t have any fight left.

Now back to my plan. I purchased a large quantity of heroin. I can’t believe how much that shit cost for what little bit you get now days, but I guess it has been almost 20 years since I’ve done any. I almost wasn’t sure it was heroin at first, but after studying it more closely I know it will do the job I want done. The time is not now, so I’m just holding onto it, studying it, wondering. Hell, who knows maybe I’ll just flush it down the toilet, or maybe one morning I just won’t wake up. I think as long as no one tries to force my hand, I’ll be okay. I just want to be left completely alone for a little while.

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