Tuesday, February 28, 2006

If someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

Have you ever gone to sleep late and then had to get up only a few hours later? Disturbed. No sleep. Voices. I don’t trust anyone. I Your mind then feels fuzzy all day, like you’re high on some type of drug, but you’re not really. And your head continues to hurt even though you’ve already taken more than the maximum amount suggested on the bottle of Tylenol. That’s how I’m feeling today. Incomplete. Pain. 1 2 3 4 Insomnia. Stress. Battles in our own minds.
I stayed up until 4am finishing a writing project that has taken me longer than expected to get done. Everyone around me has more confidence in what I’m doing than I do, I think I can, but I just don’t believe. I feel stressed to get it done before everyone around me starts calling me nothing but a total loser. Which I already feel like, they don’t need to help me out any there. I don’t think they would call me a loser as much as I would just feel like one. I feel like if I don’t get this done and get it done right, I will always remain a nobody, and will always feel like I’m nothing but a drain on society. I’ve felt that way about my life for years. So now this is my one chance, my five minutes of fame, my moment; I just have to see if I’m able to grab hold. I’m working hard as hell to get beyond my past and become more. Damn! At 40 years old can that be done? Grief. Frightened. Agitated. Worried. Insanity. Dread.

I mailed my life story today to Hawk Publishing in Tulsa. I don’t know if my writing is good enough to get published, but as a friend once said, I’ll never know unless I try. I know I’ve got a story to tell, but then I think maybe everybody does. Each of us in our life experience our own traumas and private hells, it’s the support and how we are able to handle the bad days that make us who we are when we get older. I didn’t start getting the help I needed until it was too late and my thinking was no longer clear. When your life becomes that way it’s hard to recognize the need to get help from some other source. But if you don’t you will forever stay locked into a dreadful life filled with many days of total agony. Writing about my life was my way of freeing those types of feelings that I was having. My thoughts still sometimes drift towards suicide, but I’ve learned how to recognize those patterns before they become so severe that I re-act on one of my many bizarre thoughts. LIFE is a BITCH!! But until the good Lord calls me home I’ll be here tomorrow waiting on God to hand me my next big struggle to overcome.

Guess I better get some sleep now…Have a nice life.

3 comments:

Encarna said...

Fuck....I just read ur entry on trhe cop & am totally stunned. Babe..excuse me for saying so..but U need to do something about it...if not to file a complaint, then atleast to get some counselling or whatever to help u deal with what happned. As for the drugs...I'm a recovering addict myself, so i know what thats like..& all I can say is that when u want a change...when u really really want to change...u'll do the things that u need for the change. Just be honest, & open to whats really ahppening with u...coz there is ALWAYS a way out...even out of ur won dark, self. Believe me...I've been there & infact, still do from time to time.
Hugs

MsPsycho said...

Thank you for your concern, but this happened to me over 20 years ago. This is just the first time I've ever wrote about, or let anyone know the horrible details.
This blogger is my way of freeing my mind of all the devasting secrets that I've kept locked away for years. Someday I hope to be okay. I think that time will come when I finally able to tell the whole world my story. Hopefully I will then feel free, even if no one knows my real name.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

i remember feeling that alot of times, and it was really unbearable, i couldnt take it and i just felt like i just wanted to be gone from this world, i cant say that it doesnt happen anymore but at times those thoughts and feeling creep up on me and im left hurt. i started taking my church more seriously and have heavily relied on God to help me more in my life. im not giving you that Jesus story to turn you christain but God has made a difference in my life and i feel like he carries me in his arms everyday, its the most wonderful feeling in the world, especially when life seems like its one big storm, let God take everything off your shoulders and pray, i used to think that he didnt love me and didnt really think i would need to do anything with religion but he has worked, i too used to live a life with partying and drugs for years and found no happiness, that is till i decided to get real with God through Jesus and he free'd my mind of everything and i feel complete and full in everyway possible, he is the perfect Comforter and makes life worth living and he renews your spirit, God Bless You