Thursday, February 02, 2006
The World is an Ugly, Ugly Place
Daddy told me I was an evil child and needed to be cleansed. I believed him. For 10 years I believed him! A part of me will always believe him.
If there is no report- there was never a crime.
I pretended to be a sleep.
I soon learned to control my crying so that it would be over sooner. I tried so hard to make myself feel clean but it never worked. I could feel him on me, smell his breath and feel the pain. I always felt filthy. I have nightmares, emotional mood swings, and so much anger.
I went home, drank a lot of milk, because I thought he peed in my mouth and brushed my teeth for an hour. The next few weeks he began to give me drinks and when I was drunk he would take me outside and forced me to do oral sex with him. I vomited sometimes I had tears in my eyes all the time, but I listened to him and his instructionsI lost my ability to breathe. Then I realized I was probably going to die and suddenly I was ok with it. Suddenly I realized that the world is an ugly, ugly place, and this is my chance to leave it, so why don't I just relax and go with it? I had accepted death